Tag: early recovery

Celebrating my “second chance”


One gift I took from my Lutheran days in college is an appreciation of spiritual rituals and traditions — that the “outward and visible is a sign and shadow of the inward and spiritual.”

Remembering my baptism – celebrating bellybutton, ‘gotcha’ and recovery birthdays – these are examples of life milestones and anniversaries that I choose to make traditions in my life.

December 21st is also a significant milestone in my life of recovery – in my “second chance” gift to reconnect with my true self and my Higher Power. It’s the date when I hit my spiritual and emotional bottom, reached out to my Higher Power through loved ones in my life, and started my life-long road of recovery.

It is with humility and gratitude that I celebrate, honor, and remember the hope, gratitude, loss, grief and resurrection in this first milestone,

A close friend shared a book with me earlier this year – Praying our Goodbyes: A Spiritual Companion through Life’s Losses and Sorrows. It has been a tremendous source of inspiration and guidance. I will close for now with a short passage from its preface – for those who know the connection I have with butterflies, you’ll appreciate why it struck such a chord with me.

I remembered the necessity of eventually “letting go” and that the journey does not conclude with goodbye but is followed by “hello.” The pattern of growth as of one of “life, death, resurrection” provided both solace and hope…Like the caterpillar, our grieving thoughts and distressed emotions lead us to believe all is ended, but what is happening in the darkness of our grief and desolation of letting go is that our life is slowly being transformed. In the midst of our emptiness and bleakness of heart, God is nurturing and strengthening us for future growth.

May your days continued to be filled with hope and grace.

Living through my feelings


A friend checked in on me today and asked how I was doing.

I told him “Doing well. Some sadness this week but living through it.”

He asked me about the sadness. I told him it was about losses: house/home, relationship. I’m grieving stuff that either became more definite this week or about which I am finally allowing myself to feel sad. Some events that happened this week brought these to the forefront to feel.

So it’s healthy living life on life’s terms.

Just new for this addict. 🙂

The Hangman H-A-L-T


Hangman 3
Image via Wikipedia

They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired.  For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused.  (Just being honest!)  The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.

Today, I noticed all 4 building up.  I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.”  If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.

I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone.  Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape.  I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.  Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness.  Danger Will Robinson – Danger!

This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time.  I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel.  The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here.  The point is – what did I do?

I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.

I called my sponsor.  Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling.  There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up.  And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress.  I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone.  That’s impossible.  That’s insanity.

But, today, I got some help.  “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text.  I did.  And it was like reading it for the first time.  Words jumped out at me.  It resonated with me on a new level tonight.  It challenged me, and kicked my butt.

It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends.  I shoveled the walk for my roommate.  And made plans for next Saturday.

Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today.  I didn’t have to run from my feelings.  They are passing.  And, they will probably come back  That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.

Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.