Tag: honesty

Artistic Bio


I created a profile for an online photography community. It’s sometimes hard for me to describe where I’ve landed as an artist & human being, here on October 14, 2022. That will change radically, or slowly, or organically, or tragically. More organic, less tragedy please. #NotMyCircus

Here’s what I came up with:

My main studio is C Todd Creations, focused on headshots, performing arts events + digital art rooted in photography. I like to dabble in many things, and stay away from others. I love working with drag performers, dancers & show choirs. I love nature, macro photography and digital creations that start with one or more images of my own. This is my primary professional brand @CToddCreations. Welcome!

My speciality studio is C Todd Dudeoir focused on photography for men + art that is body positive and inclusive. How I see my art in this space evolves with each conversation & understanding. ‘As I heal, I create; as I create, I heal.’ I love to explore art that pushes the edge of gender expression & identity. I create best in a collaborative setting so I work well with other artists, models & performers. I finding an intersection with sex positive communities, including leather, BDSM, cosplay and fem boy to name a few. “Never yuck on someone else’s yum!” “I’ll shoot anything twice, more if I like it!” This is my speciality studio @CToddDudeoir. Welcome!

As an artist, I explore art as therapy with an emphasis on stigma & shame, flipped and rescripted to reclaim its grip on my identity and self-confidence. Yea, mental health shit. This shows up in the form of artivism, a concept a read about when I discovered Through Positive Eyes. It inspired and informed my creative introduction to artivism with #CelebrateUU, in parallel to learning about art therapy as a tool for mental health & trauma informed living using harm reduction. This shows up in fine art projects, community art and artivism tied to my main studio @CToddCreations, under the emerging educator/performer persona Professor Peacock and under the pen blog CToddBeNow.net. Welcome!

Artist’s Profile, October 2022

I use a 70/20/10 rule of thumb that is aspirational or intentional. I have less control than I wish but accept that on most days. I’ve learned to just go along for the ride! Abide by The Four Agreements as best one can on any given day. Live for and in today.

At this phase in life, I think my work is 10/70/20 across C Todd Creations, Artivism, and C Todd Dudeoir. Again. Aspirational subject to change depending on what the Universe sets before me and the choices I make thereof 😉

Thanks for listening. This was really more for me. (Is anyone listening?)

Keep tellin’ the story.

Sawubona

Professor C Todd Peacock III
Community Artivist, Connector, Storyteller & Healer

#GameOn #CBD #TraumaInformedArt #TraumaInformedLiving #CelebrateUU

The shortest day to recovery


Today I’m grateful for life itself, for this day – the shortest day of the year. 12 years ago today, I was going to end my life because of the deep shame I felt at my core for who I was. Decades of societal and religious messaging that being gay is an abomination, a sin, a brokenness that needed to be healed. I also realize now I had some deep unresolved trauma from my adolescent and young adult years.

In 1990, I moved to Indy for a job at Lilly after graduating from University of Michigan. I was largely closeted at first, living in fear of being found out. I ran from myself, pouring my energy into my career. I sold my soul to the devil of money, status, material wealth. I did well for the most part – but sacrificed intimacy, community and connection for the corporate ladder. Eventually the strain of living a compartmentalized existence caught up with me.

At 33, I started using drugs because the alcohol was no longer sufficient to numb the pain. Over the course of the 8 years, I became addicted to crystal meth. In the last year or two, I was using every day – sometimes even smoking at work on breaks in the restroom. I was a functional meth addict until I could function no more. I had become irritable and aggressive at work, stemming from my using, lack of sleep and depression.

On December 21, 2009, I decided to take enough meth to burst my heart by sticking a large quantity up my butt. Whether or not that would have worked is immaterial. In my mind, I wanted to die.

In a moment of clarity, I decided that wasn’t the answer. I knew I wanted help, but all attempts in the past had failed. I called 911 and reported a failed suicide by lethal ingestion of meth. I wanted to put into motion a plan that I couldn’t stop. I also called my pastor Mike Mather who brought a small contingent of reinforcements to be there with me. They met me at Greenfield ER and took me to Fairbanks for treatment. That act of presence is one I’ll never forget.

It would be another 8 years before I finally put the pipe down in 2018. In those 8 years, I wrestled with my demons. I also went through a series of losses. I was fired from my 19 year career at Lilly in 2010 because I was arrested based on what the police found that night I called 911. I blew a plea bargain and ended up with two felonies on my record in 2011. I was diagnosed with HIV In 2012. I lost my mom to a heart attack stemming from her untreated alcoholism in 2013. I was sexually assaulted once and robbed twice in 2014.

Looking back, that’s when I started rebuilding my life. Therapy has helped me deal with the shame and trauma, the isolation, the inability to feel anything other than loss and shame. I reconnected with my photography, and have fully embraced the artist and artivist in me.

In these past 12-18 months, I have found the three most important things I was missing: identity, purpose and connection.

Today I remember my roommate from Fairbanks who died from this disease. I remember my friend Graham Karwath who died from this disease. I know too many gay men who are addicted to meth. We don’t talk about it. We offer them black and white solutions that push them away. I was judged and ostracized when I relapsed. But I was also shown love, compassion, and grace.

If you or someone you know is struggling, tell them to hold on. Tell them you love them. Love them without condition or strings or expectations. Love them where they are at.

There is hope. There is healing. Find your way.

I’m here if you want to talk.

Thanks for listening.

Keep telling the story

Signed ever faithfully,

The Right Reverend Lord C Todd Peacock III

Life 5.3


I feel like an episode of Star Trek.

Captain’s log: Stardate 06272021, 53rd loop around the Sun.

Or The Twilight Zone! Or Big Mouth! Pick your series to binge. Here we are. The next episode of the next season of the new series by the same artist! Hold on for the ride.

Inspired by Julie, Julia and several other movies or songs that influenced me over the years, here I am. In early retirement. Or taking a year sabbatical. Or, as they say in some circles, a mid-life crisis. Or two. But so far, no sports car. Although…

Some might call this taking a year to find myself. Which, maybe I should have done at 22. or 18. or 43. Or 50. Or 2020. or 53. Wait…

Or maybe I did at 18, 22, 43, 50, 2020, 53. Like I do every year. It’s called Life.

So you see. It’s just another day, in another year. Not Life 2.0. Just Life.

What’s different? What’s the same?

Today, I’m able to make different choices. For that I’m grateful. Those choices sometimes mean changing the story in my head. Because THAT’s where I let myself down. And sometimes other people. Reliving the same story line, with different actors.

Sounds so cliche I know. Until it becomes one’s reality.

Anyway. (Awkward transition…)

Today’s Focus

So the words for today are:

  • Practice
  • Courage
  • Connection
  • Peace
  • Joy

And if I were running for office, or going into early retirement to live my life (what!? novel concept!), my platforms today would be:

  • The art of being human, especially intergenational ones in community
  • The practices of abundance, compassionate communication & ABCD
  • Sexual wellness, especially in repressive, conservative midwestern USA
  • Harm reduction as a form of long-term recovery from addiction & self-harm
  • The arts, including music, photography & performance art – especially spoken word, flow arts, and musical theater
  • Travel & storytelling

Words of Wisdom

And I’m reminded of the following tips I picked up along the way:

  • Wherever we go, there we are.
  • We are all doing the best that we can.
  • Show yourself some compassion & grace.
  • Show others some compassion & grace.
  • Don’t be stingy!
  • BE
  • Be you!
  • Everyone has a story.
  • Everyone hurts.
  • Hurting people hurt.
  • Maybe they are not the enemy.
  • We are all the villain in someone else’ story.
  • The power of a question.
  • Listen.
  • Not my circus, not my monkeys!
  • When in doubt, be kind.
  • I can choose to be right, or I can choose to be happy. I choose to be happy (most days).
  • Some forms of suffering are by choice.
  • People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
  • No, you’re not alone. Really.
  • You’re special, you’re just not unique. Or is that the other way around?
  • Don’t be The Dragon Lady. Just don’t. Move on. That’s so 90’s.
  • Velvet rage is a thing. But don’t let it consume you.
  • Focus on the connection in social media. Leave what doesn’t serve you. It’s not all evil & conspiracy. It is what it is.
  • That which you despise most in other people is in fact what you despise the most in yourself
  • What are you going to do about it?
  • All of my stories are true. Some of them actually happened.

I just keep finding new ways to express myself. And I’m ok with that. This year, it will be intentional, with purpose. Isn’t that what Life is supposed to be about anyway?

Today’s Inspiration

The best thing I’ve seen on social media this week:

May be an image of text that says 'Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. Author unknown'
Thanks Joshua T. for today’s inspiration!

Here is to a life of peeling back the layers of wallpaper, facades, masks, and personalities. And to choosing what story we are willing to share now.

Here is to rediscovering or discovering.

Here is to The Right Reverend Lord C. August Peacock III.

Keep tellin’ the story.

Indianapolis, IN. 27.06.2021