The Hangman H-A-L-T

They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired.  For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused.  (Just being honest!)  The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.

Today, I noticed all 4 building up.  I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.”  If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.

I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone.  Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape.  I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.  Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness.  Danger Will Robinson – Danger!

This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time.  I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel.  The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here.  The point is – what did I do?

I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.

I called my sponsor.  Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling.  There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up.  And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress.  I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone.  That’s impossible.  That’s insanity.

But, today, I got some help.  “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text.  I did.  And it was like reading it for the first time.  Words jumped out at me.  It resonated with me on a new level tonight.  It challenged me, and kicked my butt.

It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends.  I shoveled the walk for my roommate.  And made plans for next Saturday.

Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today.  I didn’t have to run from my feelings.  They are passing.  And, they will probably come back  That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.

Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.