My heartfelt and heartbroken, confused dedication to John.


Whenever I play this song, which I heard Cher sing in concert, I think of you. Sometimes there is still anger, and often there is confusion and always lack of closure. And I still sometimes get sad… But these are the words meant for you, from me…from my heart.

I still care for you and wish you the best. I hope you find what you’re looking for…

For John Andrew Bodine

These clouds aren’t going nowhere darling,
Rain keeps coming down.
I just thought I’d try to call you,
‘fore you got too far outta town.

And I hope that you get this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words that I needed you to…

I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
I wanted you to know that.
And nothing’s gonna change that.
I hope you find it.

Am I supposed to hang around and wait forever?
That’s the words I said.
But that was nothing but a broken heart talking, darling.
You know it wasn’t what I meant.
Call me up, let me know that you got this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words I needed you to…

Whatever it is I have that you were missing here…
I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
I wanted you to know that.
And nothing’s gonna change that.

I hope you find it…

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The Circle of Life…it’s real! We have Huxley and a Christmas Cactus to prove it…


Some may accuse me of looking for signs when there is nothing there, but I do not believe in coincidences.  I believe the Universe (or God) has ways of showing us how connected we are to every living thing around us. In doing so, She reminds us that we are Children of God – beloved and cherished…every hair on our head is known and counted, and we are invited to embrace what is good, holy and full of life.

In January of last year, our mom died suddenly of a heart attack in her home.  It was a shock to the family.  In fact, she was succeeded by her  mother, for whom we had just celebrated her 100 birthday as an extended family just 2 months prior.  This in and of itself was a gift from the Universe – that we could gather and reconnect for a joyous occasion first, rather than find ourselves reunited only for mom’s funeral.

My newest nephew was also born in October of last year, the same month my 100-year-old grandmother made her transition to the other side to join her husband and daughter, just one month shy of her 101’s birthday.  What an awesome “Circle of Life” to have Huxley Brown Fuqua come into the world, as Bronisław “Blanche” Trybala Schneider passed on.

My mom loved travel – it was her “dance” as I shared in my eulogy.  So, as a group of siblings, we agreed to go on a cruise to celebrate her life.  As it turns out, we timed the cruise to also celebrate my 18-year-old nephew’s high school graduation and transition to Penn State University, as well as my 46th birthday.  My brother and his family weren’t able to attend due to work and the obligations of young children, but my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews and niece had a phenomenal cruise aboard the NCL Breakway, docking in Bermuda.  We sailed the day after my nephew’s graduation, which I was able to attend in State College, PA.  And we were able to visit some close friends of my mom in New Jersey before sailing.  All in all, a pretty special event.

If all of this wasn’t enough of a wonderful connection and “Circle of Life…”  I talked with my sister today.  My mom loved plants, and had an overflowing collection of Christmas and Easter Cacti and Orchids.  None of her kids got her “green thumb” so we gifted them to her close friends in New Jersey, including Carol Webster – her dearest and closest friend.  Well, the weekend that we gathered for Andrew’s graduation and then set sail to celebrate mom’s “dance,” Carol noted that mom’s Christmas Cactus bloomed…for the first time since she passed.  (For the non-gardners… Christmas Cacti generally bloom once a year...and even then, are VERY difficult to finesse into bloom.  I had one for years and it never bloomed…until I left it to a friend who had a green thumb.  Some of us have the gift…

In this case, not only did Carol have the gift, but I believe Mom looked down and held that cactus until our celebratory cruise to let us know that she and Mee-maw were smiling down on us.  I also think this was her way of smiling down on Carol Webster, thanking her for her many years of friendship…especially during the trying times of mom’s denial and battle with untreated alcoholism.  I know it was hard for Carol at times (as it was for all of us…) to be around mom’s disease.  So, I’m grateful mom closed the circle and sent Carol this special blessing.

I love you mom.  I will always be your little boy…

 

 

PS:  Now, would you please find a way to shake up your stubborn German-blooded brother, and bring healing to that relationship you left here on Earth.  He is in so much pain – and I know he grieves your passing while the two of you were not speaking to one another…a hateful sibling fight that should have ended here on earth.  Please mom…bless him with forgiveness and healing.  I know you understand now what you and he should have done while you had the time on earth…be an Angel for us, and touch his heart.

A grateful lepper at your feet…


Jesus, friend of sinners. We have strayed so far away. We cut people down in Your name, but the sword was never ours to swing…The world is on their way to you, but they are tripping over me…Open our eyes to the world at the end without pointing fingers…Help us to remember we are all the least of these…Nobody knows what we’re for, only what we’re against when we judge the wounded. What if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines and loved like You did? You loved every lost cause. You reached for the outcast, for the lepper and the lame. I was the lepper and the lost cause. I’m a grateful lepper at your feet.

Today is my 46th birthday. I just met Adam, whose barcode tattoo design is his clean date, above his mom’s initials in artistic formation. She died of alcoholism.

Adam's clean date in binary art, punctuated by the loss of his mom to the disease of addiction (her initials as a star point to his exclamation).
ADAM’S EXCLAMATION: Adam’s clean date in binary art, punctuated by the loss of his mom to the disease of addiction (her initials as a star point to his exclamation).

I’ve been in recovery since December 2009. I am on a cruise ship in Bermuda, celebrating my mother’s life, among other things. She was a master cruiser who went on over 70 cruises all over the world. That was her dance…

She also died last year at 71 from untreated alcoholism.

My first tattoo after her death has her Jerusalem cross, which I wore for the first year of mourning, mounted on a butterfly. Mom and I both shared a love of butterflies..

How similar our stories are…Adam, from the earth and me, Christopher Todd.

I was listening to this song by Counting Crows (meaningful lyrics above) when I looked up and saw Adam waiting for his partner. That moment, our conversation, his story, was a sign from my mom and the universe that she is smiling down on me on this birthday reminding me it is all good…better than good. Just for today.

I miss her, as horrible as it was to sometimes be with her and her disease…

I’m putting together a photo montage of tattoos and stories (I’ll post Adam’s when we are back in port.). But in a unique way, the universe opened my eyes so I could connect with Adam and share our stories. I’m crying tears of joy, sadness and gratitude.

I love you mom. I will always be your little boy…