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Reflections on gay marriage from a groom to be…


In February of last year, my perspective on living changed…for the better.

We’ve seen the scene played out in movie after movie, story after story.  A couple is having a romantic dinner. The setting is picturesque. A seaside table at an Italian restaurant. Freshly lit candles. The moon and stars fill the night sky. A man pushes his chair back after uttering a couple of awkwardly rehearsed sentences and gets down on one knee. He smiles as he gazes in the deep, bright blue eyes of his lover. Words roll of his tongue – words he never thought in his wildest dreams could ever come of his mouth.

And, he said “Yes!”

And from that moment – very traditional in all respects except one – our perspective on living changed…for the better.

We are getting married!

The Happy Couple

He said YES! Wedding Ring

 

 

 

 

As our wedding day creeps closer and closer, I think I can speak for both of us when I say we have not a clue what we are doing!

You see, growing up as a gay man, facing exclusion, rejection, discrimination and a general lack of role models when it comes to relationships – this was never in the cards for “us.”  And our society as no experience with the unique opportunities presented when there are two grooms, not one…or two brides, not one. It’s both exciting and scary, familiar and unfamiliar, comfortable and uncomfortable.

And, that is life…in all of its complex glory!

It reminds me of how I experienced President Obama’s election and swearing in as President almost eight years ago. I was working at Lilly at the time – a conservative, mid-western company with very traditional “values” and deep Republican pockets. Even so, Lilly senior management understood the cultural and national significance of this particular swearing in. In the US, TVs were setup in conference rooms and public spaces to broadcast the ceremony. Everyone was invited to step away from their work and share in this once-in-a-lifetime experience that changed our country…for the better.

Looking back, that meant that we were in a room with friends and strangers from all walks of life. Older, younger, republican, democrat, black, white, gay, straight, bi, Thai… And for one moment, we were united in a common experience. The unexpected benefit of this setup was that I was able to share in a moment with colleagues who had faced exclusion, rejection, discrimination their entire life because of the color of their skin – who never thought that becoming President was in the cards for “them.”

From that point forward, future generations of Black Americans would never grow up being told, “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up…except becoming President…because only White folks make it that far.  It’s just the way it’s always been, and always will be…”  

A whole generation and beyond was giving hope…hope for a better world.

 

Last summer, I was at a Flow Arts Festival in Illinois with Brandon when the Supreme Court decision was made public regarding gay marriage in the US.  I’ll never forget that morning. I let out a loud, primal scream of joy. It felt like nothing else I had ever experienced.

My worldview had fundamentally changed…for the better.

The mood at festival was much like that Lilly conference room. With me were friends and strangers from all different walks of life. And for one moment, we were united in a common experience. The unexpected benefit of this arrangement was that others in the community were able to share a moment with me and Brandon and others who had faced exclusion, rejection, discrimination their entire life because of their sexual orientation – who never thought that getting married was in the cards for “us.”

From that point forward, future generations of gay, lesbian and bisexual Americans would never grow up being told, “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up…but you can’t get married…because only heterosexual folks can do that.  It’s just the way it’s always been, and always will be…”

A whole generation and beyond was giving hope…hope for a better world.

Is Race no longer an issue in America?  Of course not…but a “glass ceiling” was shattered and we are all better because of it.

Is Sexual Orientation no longer an issue in America?  Of course not…but a “pink ceiling” was shattered and we are all better because of it.

All because he said “Yes!”

Vision Boarding: creative art to identify and communicate one’s passions


I’ve been reminded of elements of my “personal brand” recently. These aren’t unique or even original. But, I knitted together my own thoughts and truths into a framework of living…a brand.  So far, in its second year, much hasn’t changed – which tells me it’s at the right level.

Large Corporations might need to create new objectives each year to keep their puppets motivated and focused on making shareholders money. But, my life isn’t that complicated. While change is a constant, I believe it makes sense to have some fundamental truths and beliefs which, while open to discussion and learning that might evolve or eradicate them, are nonetheless relatively constant compared to other daily activities or ongoing challenges.

When I first created my “brand,” I printed them and tacked them to the wall in my home office.  I then surrounded my wall clock and creative space with quotes, cards, photographs, letters, or other knick-knacks that meant something special to me. A letter from a friend during a tough time in my recent past; a birthday card from my mom, who died in 2013; a motivating front bulletin cover from Broadway UMC. These kept me grounded, motivated me, and called me to be myself and live fully.

While change is a constant, I also believe being flexible and “living in the grey” of life means changing things up a little, even if just to tell a story a little differently to keep things interesting. (I think I learned this at Broadway UMC, where we are often playing with certain elements of the service or their flow together…)

Turning that soft belief into action is something I owe to my partner Brandon. As a couple getting married in September, we have a lot of change going on – along with continuing to get to know each other and build a life together as a couple. I’m learning more about myself through the process, and at times, this process of living in harmony with someone tests my belief systems or lenses through which I see the world.

And that is a good and healthy thing, in my opinion.

So, being a little more right brained and creative, instead of finding more cards, letters, photos to tell my story or communication a vision…we went with magazine and newsprint clippings. Words, phrases, advertisements, tag lines, photos…all is fair game.  We kept things very high level, without timeframes or project plans.  It’s more conceptual, more spirit-led perhaps, and open to more interpretation and depth or difference of perception.

And it’s pretty fun to put together.

These are the three panels in my vision board.  It’s less “social justice” focused, and more personal – about passions, hobbies, high level motivation with some directional goals.  So, it’s “home” now at the office for a couple years until we shake it up again sometime…

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Now, I think Brandon should teach “Vision Boarding” as a hands-on workshop at Trade School Indianapolis.  If you agree, please comment on this post so we can encourage Brandon to give it some consideration!

Read this story please… You’ll be amazed at who attended this man’s funeral.  


Days before he was to move into apartment, Indy man dies alone, under a bridge. Wes Cunningham had no place to call home, but he had a family.  Check out this story on IndyStar.com: http://indy.st/1RrJkOv 

  

Labels mask the fullness of a human’s spirit. Wes wasn’t homeless – with “no place to call home,” in my opinion. If home is where the heart is, then the city streets were his home and many were his neighbors. Regrettable as his passing is, he clearly lived his life with intention and passion. Though he died alone, his loss was felt by many. Isn’t that how most of want to be remembered in the end!?

Fortunately, someone chose to tell Wes’ story. He died on the same weekend that Denver Hutt lost her battle with cancer. Her life and impact on Indianapolis were also celebrated in the news. Gladly, the media allowed us to learn of and appreciate how both of these leaders were an “inspiring example of how people can change the community when they are willing to engage and get their hands dirty” (from the article about Denver Hutt)…labels or not.

When we label someone “homeless” just because they choose to have another type of home than the rest of us, we run the risk of missing their full beauty, potential and gifts (as the term often comes with much prejudice, stigma and/or shame). Even when some may not have as much direct say in their living conditions, it still doesn’t do them justice to label them “homeless.”  

So be honest – would you have imagined this funeral turnout for a “homeless person” (hate that term)? 

“Smile at strangers. Be kind. Judge less. And hold the door.”
~ Denver Hutt, 2016

Sounds like Denver and Wes would have been good friends…