Tag: working the program

The Hangman H-A-L-T


Hangman 3
Image via Wikipedia

They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired.  For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused.  (Just being honest!)  The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.

Today, I noticed all 4 building up.  I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.”  If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.

I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone.  Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape.  I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.  Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness.  Danger Will Robinson – Danger!

This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time.  I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel.  The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here.  The point is – what did I do?

I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.

I called my sponsor.  Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling.  There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up.  And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress.  I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone.  That’s impossible.  That’s insanity.

But, today, I got some help.  “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text.  I did.  And it was like reading it for the first time.  Words jumped out at me.  It resonated with me on a new level tonight.  It challenged me, and kicked my butt.

It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends.  I shoveled the walk for my roommate.  And made plans for next Saturday.

Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today.  I didn’t have to run from my feelings.  They are passing.  And, they will probably come back  That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.

Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.

Don’t pick up…no matter what.


My sister gave me a suggestion as I learn and grow from my last relapse.  (Pretty amazing gift I have in her!).  Make a poster — stick it in your kitchen or bedroom.  Dr. K at Fairbanks suggested something similar – have a list on an index card for my wallet.

I thought I’d “pass along” what I created in case it helps others.  My version is a personalized a little — you can’t ride my Harley “Spark” and you can’t cuddle with my dog “Daisy.”  So I made a generic version 🙂  These should apply to just about anyone.

If you’d like a personalize version let me know.  I’d be happy to add suggestions that work for you and send you a copy.  A suggestion, becomes a lifeline, becomes a gift…pass it along.

Oh – and I pray that this isn’t just a pretty framed poster in my home…but that I use it!  Thanks HP

Don't pick up no matter what!

Don’t pick up no matter what! (11×14 poster .PDF version)

What have I learned? One Day, Honesty and Surrender…again.


My morning devotional recently spoke to perfectionism…and failure. It talked about how in our failures are the greatest learning and growth — if we seek out the lessons amidst the disappointment.

I slipped up recently and ending up acting out and using. I’m avoiding labels like “lapse” or “relapse” because I choose to focus on the lessons amidst the disappointment. The question I find myself asking and answering at Day 11 is why? and what have I learned? Cautious to not over analyze nor become overconfident (at Day 11), I’ve reached the following conclusions.

Why? (Once again) I took on too much emotional work without reaching for support. Granted, I have a therapist now helping me in addition to my twelve-step recovery and my sponsor. Granted, I told everyone from my pastor, to friends, to fellow recovering addicts that I was “doing some good work — hard work — emotionally deep — but necessary.” But, then I fell back into my old patterns: I grabbed my journals, isolated and dove in head first, playing the patient and the therapist. And, though I uncovered some new insights to patterns I’ve developed over the years and honed in on losses I’ve failed to fully grieve that lurk beneath the surface of my addictive cycles…I got overwhelmed and surprise, fell back into my old pattern of escape. I used. I ran. I numbed.

Can’t do that. Need to reach out — talk to others and allow myself to be the “patient” — and need to take it easy, small bites…not make up for “lost time” and cram 30 years of healing into a weekend.

And what have I learned? What am I doing differently now – at Day 11 even – to honor my recovery?

I really feel like I’m approaching this phase one day at a time. In the past, I was always focused on getting to 30 days…60 days…with the ultimate goal of beating my longest amount of clean time. So though I mouthed the words one day at a time – I was really looking ahead too far. Doesn’t work – for me.

I’ve learned the need for honesty – for transparency. Without being cliche, it starts with me and those closest around me. I’ve become so used to telling lies, white lies, stretching the truth that even before the relapse, I was holding back — keeping up the facade. As one friend told me, “T, you seem like the sort of person who needs to look like you’ve got it all under control even when you are falling apart inside.” Oh Kim, your insights are so powerful. Thank you. I need to be willing and able to share where I’m at even when things aren’t going smoothly. Yes, I can be hopeful, joyous and optimistic – but that doesn’t mean things aren’t hard, scary and sometimes overwhelming. That’s when I need to reach out, ask for help and talk about how I’m feeling — even in the midst of it, even without the answers. Yes, T — I can be the patient…and be real, honest and transparent…and accepted.

Lastly, I’ve learned the meaning and need for surrender on another level. I say another level, because I am beginning to realize that in the same way my self-discovery is like an onion, peeling away layers with time and experience — so is my understanding of and ability to surrender.

I’ve reinvigorated my daily routine. Again, they told me keep it simple and stick to the basics. I pray in the morning — admit I’m powerless over my chemical and sexual addictions, surrendering my will and ability to my Higher Power. I ask for His help to stay clean and sober just for today — and for now, sexually abstinent (for 90 days!) I read my morning devotionals. I call others in recovery or my sponsor every day. I am doing another “90 in 90” (90 meetings in 90 days). I’m doing a 90 day plan of total abstinence from all sexual behavior. And at the end of the day, I lay my head on the pillow and thank my Higher Power for keeping my clean, sober and abstinent. Just for Today.