Tag: letting go

Pausing to grieve


I’m learning to remain open to where the day, the spirit, my Higher Power may take me at any given moment. There were days when I was unemployed when I simply woke up and listened to where my heart led me – where doors opened during the day – where paths seemed to spring to life. It was the act of being open and aware that connected me with something greater than myself, bringing experiences, lessons or insights that shaped that moment.

During these past weeks, I’ve been guided to grieve one layer deeper. Combined with my fourth step work in one fellowship, I’m facing some of the deep fears, resentments, and losses that have darkened my spirit and contributed to the walls that surround my heart. I’m learning that people come into my life for a reason – sometimes for a brief moment. But often, they are here to teach me a lesson.

One such man entered my life in the Fall of last year. I was six months into being unemployed, coming out of a period of relapse on this road of recovery. He was making a major life transition, leaving a stable, comfortable career in human resources with a fortune 500 company to pursue a dream and passion to become a life coach, helping others in their own transitions and pursuits of authenticity. He was my life coach for several months, sharing his deep, personal approach to a principle-driven life. He also became a friend and confidant.

This past week, he found the wholeness we all seek in life as he transitioned from this imperfect life into the peaceful world beyond. And while there are reasons well beyond me why and when, I’ve also come to believe the timing and experience is here for me to learn and grow. I had three days of vacation planned, originally to visit my sister and her family on vacation in Virginia Beach. But, being on probation for 3 more weeks, it didn’t seem wise or worth the effort to get permission from the courts to travel. But, I kept the time off on the schedule. In the past week, it’s shaped into being three days of staycation, built around day trips in Indiana to visit places and people I’ve wanted to see. When we initially celebrated my friend’s life and lay leadership at my church yesterday, our pastor talked about the need to “pause and grieve.” So while I’ve been in a period of grieving for some weeks, and while I don’t believe my grieving will end on Wednesday, I’ve decided to focus these three days even more deeply on allowing myself to grieve while exploring destinations and sharing time with friends. I don’t know what that means or where that will take me. I know it’s not just about Scott, but about much more from my past.  I just have a sense to use this time and this timing as a gift — to remain open and allow myself to feel and explore whatever comes up.

 

So pause

and grieve

and move on with life.

 

For today – for right now – that seems to be where my Higher Power is leading me.

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When wrestling for life, the battle itself matters not


Today we heard the story of how Jacob wrestled with an Angel. At one point, he asks the Angel his name, to which came the response “Why is it that you ask my name?”  But he didn’t get an answer.  Instead, Jacob was blessed. In other words, he won the battle and his life was spared. In fact, Jacob even names the place Peniel, which means “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Pastor Mike drew parallels to the struggles we all have in life. It doesn’t really matter what the battle is – we all have our “bad” – we all have our issues. For me, it’s been addiction. For others, it’s depression, or financial bankruptcy. But, in reality, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. That’s why Jacob doesn’t get an answer to his question – the Angel’s name didn’t matter. The battle itself didn’t matter. What matters is how we face our struggles. Do we face them with hope and determination? If so, then like Jacob, we are blessed.

When it comes to my recovery, the battle with the Angel analogy plays out a little differently for me. I find my victory and peace by surrendering my will each day — not by some show of force or strength.  But the connection for me in the story was more about the commonality in our battles – the “namelessness of it all.”  Like they say in the rooms, look for the similarities not the differences.  I am not better than or worse than. I am special, I’m just not unique.  I am right sized. We all have our battles to fight.  In that I find comfort and connection and support.

I also reflect upon my own journey where there were moments of utter despair and hopelessness where life didn’t seem worth living. Thoughts of suicide played out in my mind. The day I hit bottom and entered treatment, I had even come close to taking my own life — the closest I had ever come in my mind to carrying out a plan. But in a moment of hope, I found the strength to make a different choice.  I chose life.

And I was blessed.

“It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

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Grieving What Could Have Been


I look into the past
What do I see?
Truth
or Deception?

I wonder at times
What could have been
What should have been
What would have been

Not to dwell in the past
But to embrace its reality
Instead of floating in its deception
Because only by embracing
Will I be set free from its empty grip

Why?
Why did I lose my voice?
Why did I lose my soul?
Why did I lose myself?

In doing so, you consumed me
You consumed me with truth and lies
You consumed me with life and death
You consumed me with love and hate
You filled my emptiness with your own
Because I let you

My mind wants to recall the fun times
My heart wants to feel the intimacy
But I realize now that I seek this
To protect myself from the pain
To shield my heart from being alone
To deny what should have been

But that is the reality
That is the truth
That is what was
Not what could have been
What would have been
Had I been true to myself

An accurate memory that is authentic
Is better than a good one that is fake

A good memory is better than a bad picture
But a good picture does not replace a bad memory

Embrace the pain
Embrace what could have been
Embrace what should have been
Embrace what would have been

In doing so, I will find my voice
Reconnect with my soul
Rediscover myself
Be healed
Find Truth
Be Authentic
Move on