Tag: honesty

Day 114 – Reconnecting and filling out my past…


I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships…centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total — and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my “CP family” has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating “walls” to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn’t ready for that at the time. So, my “big sister” became my “distant sister” – of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job…)  I’ll never forget her voicemail back to me…something to the effect of: “CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can’t wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you.”  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about…that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I’ve had others tell me I look better, sound better…but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone…and I filled her in on my “bottom,” my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her…but oh so much better!  She was speechless…I was thankful…and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from…why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete…the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan…it’s exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me…

M, I love you as a sister.  I’m thankful you hung with me — kept me in your thoughts and prayers — kept loving me.  You’re part of my story…you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me…

Day 110 – The Power of a Question


I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end – when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons – I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was…I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt – or they may just not feel it’s their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I’m great at wearing that mask — all is ok, I’m in control, I know what I’m doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It’s easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It’s still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn’t “put those vibes off.”  If I don’t come across as open, teachable, humble…why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question — seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise…and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 105 – The joy of honesty & accountability


I’m out visiting my sister and her family this week.  She’s been having a lot of abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting for 2-3 days. After talking to her family doc, she was advised to head to the emergency room.  Four hours later after multiple tests, they came to a diagnosis and sent her home with some meds for the nausea and pain.  As the nurse handed me the meds (being the attending family member) which included narcotic pain pills, I could see a knowing but caring look in my sister’s eyes.  She whispered “You’re not getting any of those!” And ya know – it felt great!  She wasn’t lecturing me or being condescending – it was half joking, but with a loving tone.  After all, I had taken Xanax and narcotic pain pills from my mom and grandmother. So now the big family joke is “Guess Mom will lay off CT for having copied his sister’s English paper in 9th grade.”  That was about the worst trouble I got into growing up…or at least the story that [used to] top the list of mom’s terror stories from my childhood.  Needless to say…I made up in later years 😉

What was really great about this was the level of freedom my honesty had brought. When I hit bottom, I made sure all of my family & close friends knew the whole truth. It was the deception and masks that had gotten me into so much trouble.  Even my 97 year old grandmother was told, and I’ve received such an outpouring of love, support & understanding across the board.  That in turn helps my recovery through a sound, broad support network. My sister stayed at my house for a week while I was in treatment, visiting every day.  My dad came for 2 weeks while I was back at work and in outpatient treatment to help around the house. They both attended family nights at the treatment center and learned about my story, addiction in general and ways to be supportive.

Because they know everything – my sister earns the right as an accountability partner to check up on me, and to tease me (knowingly) about such situations.  And I rightly reported back that the medicine bottle was sealed, so she was ok.  Quite honestly, had it not been sealed – I probably would have taken alternative action just to ensure I couldn’t slip something out.  Today, I was in a strong enough place that it wasn’t even a temptation — but another time, and it could very well be.  So, it’s great having family & friends know my illness so they can support my accountability in a loving but non-codependent fashion.  What joy – what freedom – what love!