Tag: feelings

The Hangman H-A-L-T


Hangman 3
Image via Wikipedia

They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired.  For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused.  (Just being honest!)  The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.

Today, I noticed all 4 building up.  I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.”  If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.

I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone.  Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape.  I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.  Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness.  Danger Will Robinson – Danger!

This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time.  I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel.  The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here.  The point is – what did I do?

I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.

I called my sponsor.  Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling.  There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up.  And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress.  I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone.  That’s impossible.  That’s insanity.

But, today, I got some help.  “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text.  I did.  And it was like reading it for the first time.  Words jumped out at me.  It resonated with me on a new level tonight.  It challenged me, and kicked my butt.

It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends.  I shoveled the walk for my roommate.  And made plans for next Saturday.

Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today.  I didn’t have to run from my feelings.  They are passing.  And, they will probably come back  That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.

Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.

It’s a can of worms!


I could sense it tonight. Finally. That edginess was coming from somewhere.

That can of worms.

Do I really want to go there?
Yes. I do. It’s just uncomfortable. Scary.

It’s all about my feelings. My mixed up, jumbled, varied emotions tugging at each other. Like a can of worms. What a mess.

How am I ever going to sort these out?

My first instinct was to reach in, grab one and tease it apart.

My best thinking is what got me here!

What did he teach me?

Dump the can out.

Let them sort themselves out.

Let go. And be.
Let go. And feel.
Let go.

Checking my motives…I’m back!


In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply – my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I’ve taken some time for me this past month.  I’ve needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn’t posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control…and I’m powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc — a job isn’t going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork — the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I’ve felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I’m blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life’s little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I’m giving myself a break…easy does it!  If my motives aren’t pure, that’s ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I’m ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  “To be honest, you never really play at 100%” — to which Mr. Mandella responds, “As in life…”  So yes, I’m rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced…and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I’m an open book because I’ve been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone’s Higher Power is able to use something I’ve experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that’s not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM 😉