Tag: feelings

Breaking down shame and guilt for Lent


Once again, Broadway breaks from tradition this Lenten season. Instead of the usual giving up of chocolate or alcohol, we’ve asked people to face the shame or guilt in their lives that holds us back from being our full selves. We’ve decorated the church with barbed wire as a solemn reminder of our journey together — wrapped around the pulpit, the ends of the pews, the Communion Table. Wow. Barbed wire! (Hiding Out from God)

To make this more than just a gimmick, we had a powerful First Sunday of Lent. The ministers started off the service asking us to take a blank piece of paper, and think about shame or guilt in our lives that is holding us back…is plaguing our self-image. We wrote or drew that on the piece of paper during a prayerful silence, and then walked to the front of the church and placed it in a box. I call it the God box. Our collective shame and guilt points stay there throughout our Lenten journey, and at the end, the box will be destroyed. Setting aside any overtly Christian symbolism, it’s a pretty powerful exercise to face, accept and walk through things that may still hold me down. And the Spirit moved me to bring forward a clear and present danger…but before I go there, let me tell you how the service went from there.

We had a gospel choir from Grand Rapids, MI visiting – for Calvin College. As people started to walk up the silence transitioned into song. “I Am.” I heard this song the night before at their concert. And as I sat there Sunday morning, having faced the shame still hanging over my life – having been brought to the surface through recent events, including the Christian concert the night before – I started crying…ok, sobbing.

I thought I had dealt with these demons from my past before, and their hold on me had been shattered. But I realized that even today, at 45, with all the self-awareness I muster, there are still some dark clouds over my soul that need work. I was crying partly because of the pain and shame I felt, but also because of the joy I had knowing that the first step is realizing I have a problem…and through awareness comes acceptance, and the chance to overcome the bondage a little more with each step along life’s journey. The joy of freedom, fullness, and life commingled with the pain of past hurts and rejection. Bittersweet.

And that moment gave me hope for this Lenten season like you can’t imagine. So before we go any further, listen to this song. Thank you to Dr. Sawyer and her band of angels, in their blue gospel robes, singing out proudly and loudly. Hmmmm…love me some gospel music.

I’ve taken some liberties to remove some of the overtly Christian parts of his lyrics that don’t fully resonate with me. But his larger message brings me hope and healing. I hope others may find similar comfort by listening beyond the Christian dressing, because of a similar source of our shame as GLBT men and women, rejected by hardcore bible thumping Christians who lack the necessary compassion and acceptance that I’ve found at Broadway. I can’t honestly say I believe the whole doctrine as gospel, but see it as another way of telling the story of our common humanity, our connectedness and our need to find community and connection. So for me, this is a song about those friends around me who have stood by me, seen my wholeness and possibility even when I couldn’t; who held my hand, who listened to my pain, and showed me truth and beauty and possibility.

“In the pain is a plan… How do you do? I am human; now I believe, not who I was, but still not what I shall be. (A friend) found me and gave me a name, things I’ve desired have changed. But inside you’ll see, it’s still broken pieces…deep in me reaches for you (my friend)…though I may fall, you stand by my side. You speak (truth and comfort) and gone is the weight of my mistakes. I am so far from perfect, I thought life is worthless, until you showed me who I am.  Not here by mistake…”

I Am, by Kirk Franklin

So my shame, even today, is about being gay.

Though I know there is nothing to be ashamed of, growing up in a heterosexist world that too often tells me the opposite story, I’ve managed to internalize some of that homophobia.  Four years at college at the hands of an ultra-right wing Christian cult didn’t help: they tried to make me straight. I went thru ex-gay ministries (which don’t work!), and even attended Homosexuals Anonymous – a 12+2 step program to help people overcome their homosexuality, as if it’s on the same level as an addiction to crack cocaine or pornography.  And when I finally “found myself” again at 22, and came out of the closet a second time…I lost all of those “deep Christian friendships” from school, because they couldn’t associate with me anymore.  I even got a handwritten letter from my pastor and friend Ted Jungkuntz, telling me how he “had no other choice” but to turn his back on our friendship, because he couldn’t “hang with me” anymore as a gay man.  I lived with this man, his wife and his family for a year…sang songs after dinner while washing dishes…shared deep, dark secrets…and in the blink of a judging eye, it was all gone.  Phil Armbruster, gone.  John Graves, gone.  Dozens of men I shared community with, and summer households with…vanished.  Paul Dull, the one who probably did the most damage to my psyche as a young, influential college-aged man…turned his back on me.

So, like many gay men, it was YEARS before I could think about entering a house of worship again.  I now know the difference between religion and spirituality – and find wholeness in the latter, because I know in my heart I’m a physical, emotional, intellectual AND spiritual being.  But the pain and shame and brokenness from the former still hangs over my head.  I realized last weekend, as I listened to the stories of faith from the Calvin Gospel Choir, that the dark cloud of shame came over me, expecting the same level of rejection and judgement from this group of “strong, faithful Christians” that I experienced from the Word of God Community and University Christian Outreach.

I realize, of course, that this has now become my own internal prejudice about “Christians,” which I have to be careful of less I lump all people of faith into the same boat as Ted and Phil and Paul.  And even with these men, I realize that until I’m able to forgive them, I let their power hang over me even today.  Damn.  More work to do this Lent.

And, as I’ve already written, some 20 years later, the hatred and rejection of my grandfather still tugs at my heart with sadness.  But again, that’s on him – his weakness and narrow-mindedness.  It doesn’t mean I’m the one who has something to be ashamed of, as a gay man, any more than women or blacks have to feel shame for past civil injustices, supported by the same bible fundamentalism that judges gay and lesbian people today.  In this, we share a common humanity, a common pain…and ultimately, a common victory.

So, since this weekend of revelation when I wrote down “Word of God,” “UCO,” and the pink triangle on my piece of paper…I’ve listened over and over to the song “I am…” as well as one more song from my past, both of which do bring comfort and relief…reminding me that there is freedom from this bondage, as soon as I’m ready to let go.

Thank you to my friend Matt McCoy who introduced me to this song of Blessing…for the first time in a long time, I found a new truth I could believe in about myself, about who I love…and how it’s exactly what God has planned for me.

“Who I love is exactly what God has planned.  Just try to remember, I’m still your baby, your blood, have your eyes, have your smile.  I’m sorry this hurts you, I’m sorry this numbs you.   But I’m not ashamed of this fire I’ve inflamed; I was given this gift to love from heaven’s hands.  Don’t abandon me now for loving another man.  All I ask is in time, you’ll give me your Blessing.”

My grandfather is dead, so it will be hard to ever hear his love, but must choose to forgive him for his actions.  But gladly before my mom died, I felt the fullness of her love.  She went from telling me in the 90s that AIDS was God’s judgment on homosexuals, to writing me a handwritten note after I was diagnosed with HIV+ in 2012, letting me know that she loved me just as I am.   I can cling to this truth, this blessing…and in doing so, loosen the bondage and shame that clearly still has a bit of a hold on my soul.  May I find deeper forgiveness for Pop-Pop, Ted, Phil and others during this Lenten season, because it’s only in letting go that I will find the freedom I know I deserve.

Lessons from my youth: Starlight Express


Earlier this month, I shared about wanting to shift some energy and focus to this question of self-worth, moving on from a period of grief and feeling some loss in my life.

A friend of mine were talking about some of our life experiences, particularly around relationships.  And the question we put to ourselves centered around some of the choices we’ve both made – relationships or benefits that we’ve “settled for.”  On one hand I know that I want (and deserve) better.  But, on more than one occasion, I’ve found myself in a situation where I was some how lowering my expectations, accepting a connection with someone that wasn’t meeting some of my fundamental needs or aligning with some of my core beliefs for life.  So, it begged the question, “why don’t I believe that I deserve better?”  “How do I learn to love myself?”

With the help of some other conversations, I’m beginning to see things more clearly – re-learning some lessons or insights from my past, coupled with some new understanding…but clearly, things I haven’t internalize enough to “change my inner voice” or belief system.

I crave external validation.  I’ve sought it through work or career, through relationships (will he love me enough…), input or complements from other people, drugs and sex…and the list goes on and on.  It even includes religion, spiritual groups, recovery groups, etc.  And each time, I end up being let down, unfulfilled.

If I expect or rely on what other people think of me, then I will be disappointed.  First, I’m not likely to get enough feedback to keep my centered, confident, connected…  Second, I run the risk of overreacting when someone’s opinion or thoughts of me are negative or harmful…  And for this recovering gay addict – which brings enough baggage and self-identity issues/risks as it is – that can be dangerous.  Life has proven that through relapse and behavior that has put my life and health at risk.

The natural conclusion from this (he says like it’s easy or second nature…not!) is: find my own inner strength.  That doesn’t mean isolate or disconnect from others.  We are social beings – we are meant to be in relationship, connection with others.  And, that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage or long-term romantic relationships.  We’re meant to have friends, best friends, acquaintances, etc.  And at times, we need their guidance, insight or perspective.  But if we rely only – or first – on that, as a replacement for our own self-confidence and inner strength, we fail… At least, for me, that is my experience.

It also stuck me that Love is an action – not a feeling.  So, what can I do (or say to myself ) to reinforce the courage, strength, experience and gifts that I posses?  For this person – for whatever reason – though I’m generally an optimist than a pessimist, nonetheless, my inner voice – my instincts – my first reaction – is to discount myself, my abilities, my worth.  So, if love is an action, I need to ignore my instincts, not listen to my first reaction or thought, but instead, dig deeper…answer that initial voice with positive reinforcements, facts, truths, experiences from my past that counter that initial self-doubt.

I spoke with a friend who, though not spiritual nor a believer in prayer, finds a lot of strength from music and poetry.  I love music as well – I have certain songs that connect with my emotions and experience and can either bring me “up” or bring me “down.”  So, she encouraged me to keep some of those on hands, and pull those out when I need encouragement.  Sometimes, in those moments of self-pity or self-doubt or loneliness, I’ll grab my “Sad Playlist” on iTunes.  Hello!!?!  No wonder I can, at times, sink even deeper into self-pity.  Instead, develop and grab a “Upbeat Confidence Playlist” and allow the music and word to sooth my soul, to coat me with peace and joy.  With my spiritual background, some of those songs are from my faith experience.  But, they also include  music from the likes of Cher, Sting, and Dolly Parton.

So, I have some new tools in my toolbox.  A lens that I’ve used before, but discarded, through which I can choose to see life, see myself.  With that, I’ll close with two particular songs I’ve been gravitating this past month, which I shared with this friend as concrete examples of what I could be using to lift my spirits…

I Starlight Express/I am the Starlight

Music by Andrew Lloyd Weber / Lyrics by Richard Stilgoe

When you good nights have been said
And you are lying in bed
With the covers pulled up tight
And though you count every sheep
You get the feeling that sleep
Is going to stay away tonight.
That’s when you hear it coming
That is when you hear the humming of the
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

Want you to take me away
But bring me home before daylight
And in the time between
Take me to everywhere
But don’t abandon me there
Just want to say I’ve been.
I believe in you completely
Though I may be dreaming sweetly of the
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

And if you’re there
And if you know
Then show me which way
I should go.
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

* * * * * * *

Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself –
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn’t beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.

Rusty you’re blind, look in your mind –
I’m there. Nothing’s new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I’m you and only you

I Wish That I Could Show You

Music and Lyrics by Barbara McAfee
Based on a quote by Hafiz http://www.barbaramcafee.com/lyricsworldofwonders.php

I wish that I could show you
Whenever you are lonely or walking in the dark
The astonishing Light of your Being

Shifting themes: grief to self-worth


A couple of years ago, I had a therapist who helped me understand some truths about myself on a deeper level.  Being a more right brained thinker, I’ve known for awhile the need to grow in my ability to feel feelings…not just analyze situations.  He talked about integrating the heart and the mind, so that both feelings and thoughts were equally present.  He also gave me some tools for identifying and responding/reacting to feelings.  And while I’m confident that this will be a continual struggle, I believe I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools, and I’m spending some time feeling, being fully present, being aware…

In that “life theme,” he also helped me see my need to grieve.  He said I’d be entering a period of grieving…  and jokingly, I still wonder “when will it ever end?”  Since then, in addition to ending a 7 year relationship, being fired from a 19 year career, and losing a style of living that went with that career, I’ve faced the loss of my mom and grandmother as well as several close friends.  Call it the journey of entering my 40’s.  I’ve also done some deeper work on realizing and grieving losses from my childhood that have hung over my head and heart, keeping me stuck in patterns that weren’t healthy or aligned where I wanted to be.  And again, while I believe grief is a feeling or process that is with me for the long haul, and I will probably uncover things I still need to grieve, or situations I need to grieve on a deeper level, I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools to understand and feel grief and loss, and I’m spending some time accepting those losses and moving on…

So while I hesitate to say I’m done with learning how to feel or how to grieve, I’m in a 3 month sabbatical period, and I believe I was enlightened today and this week with the “theme” of this sabbatical — which like other topics, will probably extend beyond the remaining two months.  But two close friends and a devotional reading highlighted the same theme for me – so in my world, three data points make a trend, and I should listen!  The concept:  self worth.

At the heart of me sexual addiction (which played out in a nasty way last month…), and my competitive nature which drives me to overachieve and my depression is this feeling of low self-worth.  It plagues me, and has for much of life – despite many “successes” and external praise.  I hear what others say about me, and discount it…unable to love myself (at times) for just who I am…a beloved child of God.  The devotional today talks about our “inner door” — how nobody can go through the inner door with us, and until we sufficiently “walk through” the issue or issues that face us in life, we will continually return to them — face them head on — bang our head — and wonder why we are going crazy.  For me, I believe it’s self-worth.  

When my counselor told me about grief, my immediate question was “Ok, so how do I grieve?”  He laughed, and said that was the wrong question.  In fact, there wasn’t a question to be asked.  I just needed to let go, and allow my body and mind and Higher Power show my the path I needed to follow.   I believe much of what I faced in the following years were part of that path of enlightenment…

So, as I face this question of “how do I learn to love myself?” – I want to get answers from the world out there (your comments), or read books or somehow find the fix.  But, I’m reminded that this is my inner door — my path of enlightenment.  And while others can help me along the way and shine light on the path, the only answer that is true and authentic is the one that I find for Todd.  So, for now, I will “anoint” this remaining two months of time to explore the journey of self-worth, of loving and accepting self…