Tag: connecting

Day 114 – Reconnecting and filling out my past…


I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships…centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total — and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my “CP family” has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating “walls” to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn’t ready for that at the time. So, my “big sister” became my “distant sister” – of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job…)  I’ll never forget her voicemail back to me…something to the effect of: “CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can’t wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you.”  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about…that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I’ve had others tell me I look better, sound better…but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone…and I filled her in on my “bottom,” my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her…but oh so much better!  She was speechless…I was thankful…and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from…why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete…the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan…it’s exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me…

M, I love you as a sister.  I’m thankful you hung with me — kept me in your thoughts and prayers — kept loving me.  You’re part of my story…you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me…

Day 110 – The Power of a Question


I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end – when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons – I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was…I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt – or they may just not feel it’s their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I’m great at wearing that mask — all is ok, I’m in control, I know what I’m doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It’s easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It’s still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn’t “put those vibes off.”  If I don’t come across as open, teachable, humble…why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question — seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise…and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 102 – Finding my "first high" again…


The night I arrived at my sister’s for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn’t think I’d make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was…how he kept asking “Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!” I knew there wasn’t any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats – I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture – the hall is packed, the show starts…and it’s 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It’s electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards “Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy – you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes.”  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not – I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I’m the only one laughing – or I’m laughing the longest.  And I’m not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think – my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn’t high. This wasn’t fabricated.  It wasn’t a mask.  It was deep and genuine.

I remember when I first started using – it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL – to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized — THAT was the “first high” I was always chasing.

Since I’ve been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth — and the concept of “chasing that first high” never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn’t “chasing them…”

Now I understand – they weren’t my first high!

My first high was X – that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  

I realized that night watching STOMP – SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don’t have to be fucked up to enjoy life…to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying…tears streaming down my face.  It’s not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace…and it’s gratitude.

I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall ’round about 45-60 days…or 4-6 months, I’ll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all…and without them, your highs aren’t as high and your lows aren’t as low…you kinda don’t feel.  Life is bland.  You “can’t enjoy life.”  And used to “feeling good” on meth, that can suck…can get depressing…hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don’t know if there are higher joys to come but WOW –  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes…watching the show…through teary-eyed lenses 😉  And life was good.  I started laughing…I didn’t care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me…was giving me a gift…a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high…I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high — I probably will experience things like it again.  It’s real – it’s not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life — the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air — as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!

And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know…talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT…but here I was back, enjoying them…being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless 😉