The Hangman H-A-L-T


Hangman 3
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They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired.  For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused.  (Just being honest!)  The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.

Today, I noticed all 4 building up.  I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.”  If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.

I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone.  Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape.  I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.  Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness.  Danger Will Robinson – Danger!

This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time.  I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel.  The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here.  The point is – what did I do?

I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.

I called my sponsor.  Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling.  There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up.  And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress.  I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone.  That’s impossible.  That’s insanity.

But, today, I got some help.  “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text.  I did.  And it was like reading it for the first time.  Words jumped out at me.  It resonated with me on a new level tonight.  It challenged me, and kicked my butt.

It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends.  I shoveled the walk for my roommate.  And made plans for next Saturday.

Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today.  I didn’t have to run from my feelings.  They are passing.  And, they will probably come back  That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.

Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.

Labels


During a conversation this week about our seemingly inherent need to label one another…”I find it best to stick with the label of human being.”

Thanks Tom M.

Honesty and Help


I understand.
I get it.
I know.

But do I?  Really?

Or have I learned to survive across three decades to show confidence to mask my fear?  Unknowingly, do my typical answers above make me come across as close minded and arrogant?

I’m learning with some help from others that I do in fact shut people down and push them away with my language.  I’m not only deceiving myself, I’m closing myself off from help and experience I need in my life.

Why not try…

I don’t understand.  Could you explain that to me?
I don’t get it.  Can you tell me more?
I don’t know.  Would you be willing to help me?

I’m reminded of The Power of A Question.

I’m learning that I don’t have to have all the answers.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  Most people aren’t going to laugh at me or take advantage of me — most people would be very willing to help if I let them.  If I’m willing to make myself vulnerable, be honest with myself and others and ask for help I will in turn find strength, support and insight.

Just for today, I will try to stay open-minded and honest.