Category: Recovery

It’s a can of worms!


I could sense it tonight. Finally. That edginess was coming from somewhere.

That can of worms.

Do I really want to go there?
Yes. I do. It’s just uncomfortable. Scary.

It’s all about my feelings. My mixed up, jumbled, varied emotions tugging at each other. Like a can of worms. What a mess.

How am I ever going to sort these out?

My first instinct was to reach in, grab one and tease it apart.

My best thinking is what got me here!

What did he teach me?

Dump the can out.

Let them sort themselves out.

Let go. And be.
Let go. And feel.
Let go.

Sleepless in Recovery


Here we are again.

Can’t fall asleep. Can’t get comfortable. Tossing and turning, I end up with few hours of deep rest. I get edgy and have mood swings during the day. Fun stuff. Recovery.

Oft times I blame the late evening coffee at meetings. Or the fact that I’m sleeping in a strange bed, not mine…in a house that’s not mine…alone without my dogs…alone.

But after a couple nights of false accusations against Folgers, I remember what’s going on.

The feelings are back. 14 days clean. They’re here!

Reality is edging back as the numbing stops, the escaping ceases.

It’s good. I don’t have to run. I don’t have to use no matter what.

But it still hurts.

I can admit that.

I’m not going to be swept over by so much bottled up pain and emotion.

My god is bigger than that.

I just need to stay in the pain long enough to work through it. Long enough to find healing.

I’m not alone.

It just feels that way. Right now.

No cake. No hugs. No smiles.

Just me.

The darkness. The tears. The bad dreams. Waking up in tears sobbing–sometimes remembering the dream, more often not. Waking up in a hot sweat.

I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use

I want to

But I don’t have to.
I don’t want to. That’s not me.
That’s the addiction.
That’s the pain.

They didn’t promise it would be easy.
They didn’t promise it wouldn’t hurt.
They just told me I never have to use again.

As much as I want the sex.
The cute boys.
The high.
The meth.

I want life more.
The outer circle.
The nephews and niece.
The playtime on the swings
Or in the pool.

Its worth it
I know

It just hurts right now.

And I’m alone.
Not really.
It just feels that way.

I don’t have to use.
Men.
Alcohol.
Drugs.
Sex.

Just for today.

Don’t pick up…no matter what.


My sister gave me a suggestion as I learn and grow from my last relapse.  (Pretty amazing gift I have in her!).  Make a poster — stick it in your kitchen or bedroom.  Dr. K at Fairbanks suggested something similar – have a list on an index card for my wallet.

I thought I’d “pass along” what I created in case it helps others.  My version is a personalized a little — you can’t ride my Harley “Spark” and you can’t cuddle with my dog “Daisy.”  So I made a generic version 🙂  These should apply to just about anyone.

If you’d like a personalize version let me know.  I’d be happy to add suggestions that work for you and send you a copy.  A suggestion, becomes a lifeline, becomes a gift…pass it along.

Oh – and I pray that this isn’t just a pretty framed poster in my home…but that I use it!  Thanks HP

Don't pick up no matter what!

Don’t pick up no matter what! (11×14 poster .PDF version)