Category: General

Pausing to grieve


I’m learning to remain open to where the day, the spirit, my Higher Power may take me at any given moment. There were days when I was unemployed when I simply woke up and listened to where my heart led me – where doors opened during the day – where paths seemed to spring to life. It was the act of being open and aware that connected me with something greater than myself, bringing experiences, lessons or insights that shaped that moment.

During these past weeks, I’ve been guided to grieve one layer deeper. Combined with my fourth step work in one fellowship, I’m facing some of the deep fears, resentments, and losses that have darkened my spirit and contributed to the walls that surround my heart. I’m learning that people come into my life for a reason – sometimes for a brief moment. But often, they are here to teach me a lesson.

One such man entered my life in the Fall of last year. I was six months into being unemployed, coming out of a period of relapse on this road of recovery. He was making a major life transition, leaving a stable, comfortable career in human resources with a fortune 500 company to pursue a dream and passion to become a life coach, helping others in their own transitions and pursuits of authenticity. He was my life coach for several months, sharing his deep, personal approach to a principle-driven life. He also became a friend and confidant.

This past week, he found the wholeness we all seek in life as he transitioned from this imperfect life into the peaceful world beyond. And while there are reasons well beyond me why and when, I’ve also come to believe the timing and experience is here for me to learn and grow. I had three days of vacation planned, originally to visit my sister and her family on vacation in Virginia Beach. But, being on probation for 3 more weeks, it didn’t seem wise or worth the effort to get permission from the courts to travel. But, I kept the time off on the schedule. In the past week, it’s shaped into being three days of staycation, built around day trips in Indiana to visit places and people I’ve wanted to see. When we initially celebrated my friend’s life and lay leadership at my church yesterday, our pastor talked about the need to “pause and grieve.” So while I’ve been in a period of grieving for some weeks, and while I don’t believe my grieving will end on Wednesday, I’ve decided to focus these three days even more deeply on allowing myself to grieve while exploring destinations and sharing time with friends. I don’t know what that means or where that will take me. I know it’s not just about Scott, but about much more from my past.  I just have a sense to use this time and this timing as a gift — to remain open and allow myself to feel and explore whatever comes up.

 

So pause

and grieve

and move on with life.

 

For today – for right now – that seems to be where my Higher Power is leading me.

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Grieving What Could Have Been


I look into the past
What do I see?
Truth
or Deception?

I wonder at times
What could have been
What should have been
What would have been

Not to dwell in the past
But to embrace its reality
Instead of floating in its deception
Because only by embracing
Will I be set free from its empty grip

Why?
Why did I lose my voice?
Why did I lose my soul?
Why did I lose myself?

In doing so, you consumed me
You consumed me with truth and lies
You consumed me with life and death
You consumed me with love and hate
You filled my emptiness with your own
Because I let you

My mind wants to recall the fun times
My heart wants to feel the intimacy
But I realize now that I seek this
To protect myself from the pain
To shield my heart from being alone
To deny what should have been

But that is the reality
That is the truth
That is what was
Not what could have been
What would have been
Had I been true to myself

An accurate memory that is authentic
Is better than a good one that is fake

A good memory is better than a bad picture
But a good picture does not replace a bad memory

Embrace the pain
Embrace what could have been
Embrace what should have been
Embrace what would have been

In doing so, I will find my voice
Reconnect with my soul
Rediscover myself
Be healed
Find Truth
Be Authentic
Move on

Entering my picture of life and letting go of the frame


“The exquisite risk…[is near]…when the ache we’ve suppressed for weeks creeps into our throat, when silence appears at the edge of our exhaustion like an old friend we couldn’t find. Often, the exquisite risk is waiting on the other side of the curtains we draw and the invitations we decline. And sudden birds, if followed, will lead us there. If we only enter our picture of life and let go of the frame.”

Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had some amazing moments of being present, of connecting with life, of entering my picture of life. I’ve been sad, glad, mad and afraid. But, I’ve seen the sudden birds and followed them.  And in those moments, I experienced the exquisite risk of which Mark speaks.  I felt so alive, whether in pain or overflowing with musical joy.  I’ve sung Beatles songs and songs of praise in my helmet, riding on my motorcycle on the interstate at 65 mph. I’ve dipped my toe in the water of deep sorrow, pain and regret, cleansing my aching soul with tears.  That is life as I want to live it.  That is being, not doing.

And, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been human – broken and afraid, drifting back to comfortable patterns of running from the sorry, pain and regret.  I’ve suppressed the ache, drawn the curtains and declined the invitations.  But today, I celebrate those moments of weakness because despite them and through them, I’ve seen and accepted my humanness.  With the grace of my higher power, I’ve gained insight and learning even through the “mistakes” I’ve made.  The more authentically I embrace the exquisite risk, the more clear is the emptiness of the alternative choices.  And for that clarity, I’m grateful.

I also choose to celebrate the gift of sobriety I’ve been given through those moments because despite returning to old patterns, I haven’t picked up a drink or a drug.  I’ve used people, places and things to numb the pain, or to escape the reality of life on life’s terms.  But, I’ve carried the lessons of my last relapse into each day and turned things over to my higher power, seeking enough strength amidst the escape to say no to mood or mind-altering substances.  And for that gift of life, I’m grateful.  It’s gift not of my strength, but of my weakness — not of my will, but of my submission.

Just for today, I will let it be.  I will let go, and let God.  I will enter my picture of life and let go of the frame.

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