Art & Artivism – Page 9 – The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock

The shortest day to recovery

Today I’m grateful for life itself, for this day – the shortest day of the year. 12 years ago today, I was going to end my life because of the deep shame I felt at my core for who I was. Decades of societal and religious messaging that being gay is an abomination, a sin, a brokenness that needed to be healed. I also realize now I had some deep unresolved trauma from my adolescent and young adult years.

In 1990, I moved to Indy for a job at Lilly after graduating from University of Michigan. I was largely closeted at first, living in fear of being found out. I ran from myself, pouring my energy into my career. I sold my soul to the devil of money, status, material wealth. I did well for the most part – but sacrificed intimacy, community and connection for the corporate ladder. Eventually the strain of living a compartmentalized existence caught up with me.

At 33, I started using drugs because the alcohol was no longer sufficient to numb the pain. Over the course of the 8 years, I became addicted to crystal meth. In the last year or two, I was using every day – sometimes even smoking at work on breaks in the restroom. I was a functional meth addict until I could function no more. I had become irritable and aggressive at work, stemming from my using, lack of sleep and depression.

On December 21, 2009, I decided to take enough meth to burst my heart by sticking a large quantity up my butt. Whether or not that would have worked is immaterial. In my mind, I wanted to die.

In a moment of clarity, I decided that wasn’t the answer. I knew I wanted help, but all attempts in the past had failed. I called 911 and reported a failed suicide by lethal ingestion of meth. I wanted to put into motion a plan that I couldn’t stop. I also called my pastor Mike Mather who brought a small contingent of reinforcements to be there with me. They met me at Greenfield ER and took me to Fairbanks for treatment. That act of presence is one I’ll never forget.

It would be another 8 years before I finally put the pipe down in 2018. In those 8 years, I wrestled with my demons. I also went through a series of losses. I was fired from my 19 year career at Lilly in 2010 because I was arrested based on what the police found that night I called 911. I blew a plea bargain and ended up with two felonies on my record in 2011. I was diagnosed with HIV In 2012. I lost my mom to a heart attack stemming from her untreated alcoholism in 2013. I was sexually assaulted once and robbed twice in 2014.

Looking back, that’s when I started rebuilding my life. Therapy has helped me deal with the shame and trauma, the isolation, the inability to feel anything other than loss and shame. I reconnected with my photography, and have fully embraced the artist and artivist in me.

In these past 12-18 months, I have found the three most important things I was missing: identity, purpose and connection.

Today I remember my roommate from Fairbanks who died from this disease. I remember my friend Graham Karwath who died from this disease. I know too many gay men who are addicted to meth. We don’t talk about it. We offer them black and white solutions that push them away. I was judged and ostracized when I relapsed. But I was also shown love, compassion, and grace.

If you or someone you know is struggling, tell them to hold on. Tell them you love them. Love them without condition or strings or expectations. Love them where they are at.

There is hope. There is healing. Find your way.

I’m here if you want to talk.

Thanks for listening.

Keep telling the story

Signed ever faithfully,

The Right Reverend Lord C Todd Peacock III

Write Your Own Story

As I do, I’m trying to slow down to now – to be in the moment. A lot happened this week, reminding me that I am writing my own story. I’m also seeing myself reflected in others, and I don’t always like the way I show up. I have an edge to life. I have a chip on my shoulder. As one friend told me once, “Todd, you can be like a pit bull sometimes. You grab a hold of something, and you don’t let go.”

Actions speak louder than words.

“tick, tick… BOOM!”

Every generation rises up, inspiring some of us to rise up again like a Phoenix. I want to be that Phoenix – that Peacock – that Voice…just a little softer, a little more graceful. I want to be Meryl Streep without the sharp tongue, with an Elton John edge to my advocacy and a Keith Herring inspired heART.

So this week, I showed up with CEO’s, Vice President, Senior Partners, Drug Czars and tossed my ego into the ring. This time I introduced myself with a new found self-acceptance. I do belong at the table, despite what I’ve believed and told myself in the past. I don’t need to strut my feathers to be noticed. Being a quiet, compassionate giraffe is where I draw inspiration and set greater intentions, applying what I’ve learned from NVC or compassionate communication.

Questions speak louder than words.

“tick, tick… BOOM!”

I learn my living, by showing up, by sometimes putting my foot in my mouth. Sometimes, I catch myself passionated and close to my heart. If I’m not careful, I spew arguments that sound good but really don’t make a lot of sense or worse, put others on the defensive. I often get away with loose language. Thankfully I find people are willing to push back with grace, compassion and knowledge. And I learn better ways to show up and tell my story.

I’m writing my own story.

Thanks for listening. Keep tellin’ the story.

Signed ever faithfully,

The Right Reverend Lord C Todd Peacock III

Reflection on World AIDS Day: Tools to End the HIV Epidemic

I’ve been living with HIV since 2012. But I didn’t talk about it openly until 2019, when I was asked to share my story with the Indianapolis STAR. That’s when I really started to face and accept my diagnosis. That interview changed me and how I think about this disease, my health and my purpose in life.

Since then, what have I learned?

I’ve learned that we HAVE the tools to end this epidemic. The science is clear, and the medications are life-saving. While treatment isn’t a cure, it does mean we can stop the virus from spreading. Having HIV is no longer a death sentence.

But let’s also be clear. People are still dying from from this disease. And every one of those deaths is preventable today.

We’ve been fighting for our lives for 40 years. Why do I have hope today that this current effort to end the HIV epidemic will be any different? Because we DO have the tools to end this epidemic. What are those tools? Testing, U=U, PrEP, Harm Reduction and Visibility.

Testing – we have better testing today, including rapid tests and self-tests at home. They are available for FREE. Know your status. Take responsibility for sexual health, just like we do for physical and mental health. With other STI’s, I used to wait until I had symptoms before I would go into Bellflower to get tested. That is crazy – even moreso with HIV. We have lots more options today for HIV testing. If you’re sexually active, please get tested regularly.
U=U – the science is clear. People living with HIV who are in treatment and have an undetectable viral load can not pass on the virus to their sexual partners. That’s HUGE! We need to be talking about this more. I believe we have a PrEP bias in our messaging. We need to be educating people more on U=U and the importance of getting into treatment.
PreP – while the most important step is to get people into effective treatment, people who are HIV- have an option for their sexual health. PrEP reduces the can risk of getting HIV from sex by more than 90% and from injection drug use by more than 74%.
Harm Reduction – as a person in long term recovery, I understand the benefits of a traditional 12 step program. It was critical in my early recovery – but eventually, stopped serving me. There are other options to abstinence. For some, the “all or nothing” approach can be a barrier to long-term recovery. And it turns out, harm reduction reduces the spread of infectious disease. Harm reduction data reveals a compelling inverse correlation between harm reduction methodology and HIV & Hepatitis C rates —as a nation’s commitment to harm reduction increases, rates of disease infection decrease.
Visibility – I’ve come to believe that STIGMA is our only barrier to ending this epidemic. Stigma’s power lies in our silence. In the early AIDS epidemic, the mantra was SILENCE=DEATH. Today, I think our mantra needs to be SILENCE=STIGMA. We need more visibility to the public through self-advocacy, peer services & stories. Too many long term survivors are hiding in the shadows of the stigma of this disease – just like I was for 7 years. But just like we’ve seen in the recovery movement, the more people who come out of the closet, tell their story, the more we talk about HIV, the more likely it is for people to ask questions, get tested, get into treatment. And just like in the recovery movement, peer-based services like Peer HIV Coaches and Peer Linkage to Care Specialist will allow us to fully leverage individuals’ life experience to help get people into care. Stories matter! Visibility matters! SILENCE=STIGMA (We could call this one PLWH^2, or PLWH Squared!)

We’ve made HUGE advances in the first three of these tools – the science of testing, treatment and prevention are available and, at least in the US, free.

Now comes the human side of it – and I believe Harm Reduction and Visibility are the key levers we need to lean into more and more quickly if we have any hope of actually ending this epidemic by 2030.

Thanks for listening. Keep tellin’ the story.

Signed ever faithfully,

The Right Reverend Lord C Todd Peacock III