Author: ctfuqua

I see life as full of possibilities and the world full of beautiful people possessing unique and often untapped talents. I’m a learner and connector, seeking ways to leverage the abundance in this world through strong community.

Day 117 – One of these days, I’m gonna get burned…


I’ve written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven’t done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what’s going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don’t bite me in the ass!  And it’s more deadly than that…before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don’t either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I’ll end up in the same place…relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I’m not more vigilant and use the tools I’ve learned, I’ll get burned.  This ain’t Boy Scout Camp — this is real shit.  People go out, and most don’t come back.  People die.  It’s that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren’t that relevant.  The point is I held onto them – even subconsciously.  I didn’t take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew… resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control – what I’m responsible for – and started taking other people’s inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don’t.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what’s going on – even the little stuff…cause it’s the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix ’em up with a little hunger or loneliness…recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded…stayed in my head…and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head – my rationalization – my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life – mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there…is patient…let me vent…then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective – the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.

It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That’s about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It’s that simple.

Now, easy does it…progress, not perfection…lay my head down and be thankful for what I’ve got.

Day 115 – Regaining my voice with NVC


In recovery, I’ve learned that drinking and using weren’t my problems…they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper – more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my “voice” for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community…I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn’t work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny…that exact line is from my “step one” video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my “day zero” — the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle’s debut album had a song titled “Who I was born to be.”  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string…the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I’ve got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It’s a way of connecting with one’s self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one’s needs as well as seeking to understand others’ needs (stated or unstated), there’s a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work – and much like I’m learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it’s a lot easier to live in that “space” of compassionate communication.
I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I’m able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  
The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn’t yell at them. I didn’t pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone’s needs have equal value — through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone’s needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   
Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn’t seem very happy.  Next time, I’d probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn’t about perfection…it’s about progress.  So, I was glad I “got my voice” and spoke up.
The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  
They started off the exchange saying “sorry to distract you at the meeting.”  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added “but I think you like it.”  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, “During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?”  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn’t want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn’t judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: “I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it.”  
It’s usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this…it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I’ll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I’m looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I’ll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time…easy does it!  But, progress feels good!

Day 114 – Reconnecting and filling out my past…


I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships…centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total — and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my “CP family” has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating “walls” to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn’t ready for that at the time. So, my “big sister” became my “distant sister” – of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job…)  I’ll never forget her voicemail back to me…something to the effect of: “CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can’t wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you.”  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about…that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I’ve had others tell me I look better, sound better…but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone…and I filled her in on my “bottom,” my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her…but oh so much better!  She was speechless…I was thankful…and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from…why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete…the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan…it’s exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me…

M, I love you as a sister.  I’m thankful you hung with me — kept me in your thoughts and prayers — kept loving me.  You’re part of my story…you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me…