Day 99 – Is it live or is it Memorex?

Ok – having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line…

I had a using dream last night…the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself “come on…you’ve got over 90 days…do you really want to blow this?”  And I did – I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen – but don’t believe I’ve experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live…it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question… Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times…why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put — I’m under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I’m within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister’s in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I’ll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past – to escape, to numb.  And though I’m still clean and sober, my body is used to that “routine” – used to the “usual path” – and since the physical reality didn’t follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That’s what it does — f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today – I don’t have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs…and do it all on life’s terms.  I heard recently…”we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles.”  Sometimes it’s the little things in life that demand the most vigilance – turning them over to my Higher Power – Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge…but it doesn’t.  Just for today…

My pillow awaits…by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.

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I see life as full of possibilities and the world full of beautiful people possessing unique and often untapped talents. I’m a learner and connector, seeking ways to leverage the abundance in this world through strong community.

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