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Lessons from my youth: Starlight Express


Earlier this month, I shared about wanting to shift some energy and focus to this question of self-worth, moving on from a period of grief and feeling some loss in my life.

A friend of mine were talking about some of our life experiences, particularly around relationships.  And the question we put to ourselves centered around some of the choices we’ve both made – relationships or benefits that we’ve “settled for.”  On one hand I know that I want (and deserve) better.  But, on more than one occasion, I’ve found myself in a situation where I was some how lowering my expectations, accepting a connection with someone that wasn’t meeting some of my fundamental needs or aligning with some of my core beliefs for life.  So, it begged the question, “why don’t I believe that I deserve better?”  “How do I learn to love myself?”

With the help of some other conversations, I’m beginning to see things more clearly – re-learning some lessons or insights from my past, coupled with some new understanding…but clearly, things I haven’t internalize enough to “change my inner voice” or belief system.

I crave external validation.  I’ve sought it through work or career, through relationships (will he love me enough…), input or complements from other people, drugs and sex…and the list goes on and on.  It even includes religion, spiritual groups, recovery groups, etc.  And each time, I end up being let down, unfulfilled.

If I expect or rely on what other people think of me, then I will be disappointed.  First, I’m not likely to get enough feedback to keep my centered, confident, connected…  Second, I run the risk of overreacting when someone’s opinion or thoughts of me are negative or harmful…  And for this recovering gay addict – which brings enough baggage and self-identity issues/risks as it is – that can be dangerous.  Life has proven that through relapse and behavior that has put my life and health at risk.

The natural conclusion from this (he says like it’s easy or second nature…not!) is: find my own inner strength.  That doesn’t mean isolate or disconnect from others.  We are social beings – we are meant to be in relationship, connection with others.  And, that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage or long-term romantic relationships.  We’re meant to have friends, best friends, acquaintances, etc.  And at times, we need their guidance, insight or perspective.  But if we rely only – or first – on that, as a replacement for our own self-confidence and inner strength, we fail… At least, for me, that is my experience.

It also stuck me that Love is an action – not a feeling.  So, what can I do (or say to myself ) to reinforce the courage, strength, experience and gifts that I posses?  For this person – for whatever reason – though I’m generally an optimist than a pessimist, nonetheless, my inner voice – my instincts – my first reaction – is to discount myself, my abilities, my worth.  So, if love is an action, I need to ignore my instincts, not listen to my first reaction or thought, but instead, dig deeper…answer that initial voice with positive reinforcements, facts, truths, experiences from my past that counter that initial self-doubt.

I spoke with a friend who, though not spiritual nor a believer in prayer, finds a lot of strength from music and poetry.  I love music as well – I have certain songs that connect with my emotions and experience and can either bring me “up” or bring me “down.”  So, she encouraged me to keep some of those on hands, and pull those out when I need encouragement.  Sometimes, in those moments of self-pity or self-doubt or loneliness, I’ll grab my “Sad Playlist” on iTunes.  Hello!!?!  No wonder I can, at times, sink even deeper into self-pity.  Instead, develop and grab a “Upbeat Confidence Playlist” and allow the music and word to sooth my soul, to coat me with peace and joy.  With my spiritual background, some of those songs are from my faith experience.  But, they also include  music from the likes of Cher, Sting, and Dolly Parton.

So, I have some new tools in my toolbox.  A lens that I’ve used before, but discarded, through which I can choose to see life, see myself.  With that, I’ll close with two particular songs I’ve been gravitating this past month, which I shared with this friend as concrete examples of what I could be using to lift my spirits…

I Starlight Express/I am the Starlight

Music by Andrew Lloyd Weber / Lyrics by Richard Stilgoe

When you good nights have been said
And you are lying in bed
With the covers pulled up tight
And though you count every sheep
You get the feeling that sleep
Is going to stay away tonight.
That’s when you hear it coming
That is when you hear the humming of the
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

Want you to take me away
But bring me home before daylight
And in the time between
Take me to everywhere
But don’t abandon me there
Just want to say I’ve been.
I believe in you completely
Though I may be dreaming sweetly of the
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

And if you’re there
And if you know
Then show me which way
I should go.
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

* * * * * * *

Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself –
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn’t beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.

Rusty you’re blind, look in your mind –
I’m there. Nothing’s new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I’m you and only you

I Wish That I Could Show You

Music and Lyrics by Barbara McAfee
Based on a quote by Hafiz http://www.barbaramcafee.com/lyricsworldofwonders.php

I wish that I could show you
Whenever you are lonely or walking in the dark
The astonishing Light of your Being

Remembering friends…telling their story


In the last couple days two very dear friends have been on my mind and help me with some things I’ve been facing. As such I wanted to take time to honor them and remember them because telling their stories keeps their memories alive in our hearts.

First was Phil. Phil was a very dear friend of mine in the early 90s – A mentor of sorts as I came out of the closet for the second time. (That’s another story for another day…) Phil taught me about living with dignity, enjoying the passion of music, and the value of investing time and energy with young adults. Phil was the first choral director for the Northernaires at North Central high school – a gospel choir at a public high school. He was also a man and lived with HIV. This was at a time when the world was very different. Our understanding and acceptance of the disease was far from what it is today. Phil took a calculated risk to share his same-sex partnership and his health situation (carefully and appropriately nonetheless…) with many of the students in his choir, particularly towards the end of his life in the mid 90s, as he died of complications related to AIDS. By doing so, Phil educated those kids, at a very critical time in their life, about HIV/AIDS…surely helping to reduce the stigma and misunderstanding among those teenagers, which played forward across relationships in future years & generations. He also showed them how to live with dignity…and ultimately how to die with dignity.

I was away on an international business trip when he passed. And fortunately my boss was very understanding and allowed me to fly home early in order to attend his memorial. The gospel choir performed at his memorial for a packed church (I believe at Trinity Episcopal in downtown Indy). And I will never forget seeing the one girl in the front row start to cry…and from there there was not a dry eye in the house. Those kids learned how to get through grief and loss at a very young age because let me tell you… They loved and respected their choral director. You could see it in their faces at the rehearsals and at their concerts.

I’ll never forget how Phil would remind them to tighten up their muscles and project… You should be able to hold up a quarter in the grip of your butt cheeks. And all it took on the night of the concert was still taking out a quarter and holding it up to the kids to remind them of proper posture and projection and muscle control. They knew the secret sign…and the audience had no idea what was being “passed” from director to singers in that moment…

Of course Phil was also the famous one who, at a house party at my place on Central, called out across the living room “hey everyone, let’s all chip in and buy Todd a butt.” Yes I have a flat ass thank you very much Phil for pointing it out. I love you dearly.

The second man that came to mind this week was Scott. Scott was our lay leader at Broadway. During my unemployment in 2010, he left his full-time career as a HR executive to follow his dream of helping people in the community through his gift as a life coach. My pastor recommended that I perhaps pair up with Scott and indeed I did. He became my life coach during my unemployment…as well as a close friend. Unfortunately, within months of starting our relationship, he was diagnosed with lymphoma. And within 6 to 8 months, passed away.

He, too, taught those around him how to live and how to die with dignity. Unfortunately, he also faced discrimination at the hands of our healthcare system in Indiana. Due to a loophole in our laws, he was unable to receive the care that he needed here in the state of Indiana because it was illegal for a person with HIV to be able to use their own blood or bone marrow for medical treatments, since it is illegal for people with HIV to give blood or be organ donors. This,of course, does not make sense in these cases…since it was for their own use and treatment. As a result of this discrimination, he had to fly out to California to seek the necessary treatment and by the time he got out there, it was too late.  They sent him back home to Indiana, where he lived out his final weeks with his hallmark smile and care for others.  The nurses on his floor, I remember, were particularly moved by Scott’s spirit…

Fortunately, his quiet legacy lives on, because his family took on the doctors and the hospitals…and with their support, got the law changed.  Now blood or bone marrow from an HIV/AIDS patient, for one’s own medical care, is  permitted in the State of Indiana. For those of us who know the story, we fondly call this the Scott C law. We know the story…and the legacy he left behind.

I think of Scott often when I use his life coaching techniques in my day-to-day life. And I think of Phil when I hear or see the Northernaires perform.

I love you both. Thanks for being my friend.