Tag: working the program

Day 126 – Hurting people hurt…so find the source of the pain!


A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I’ve been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging…  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is…what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt…

I’ve been in a mood since yesterday and I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors — spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I’ve stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what’s going on.  That’s one of the tools I’ve learned — interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior…thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it’s works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and “act out.”  My cross addiction is people – relationships – sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it’s essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn’t make them go away.  I also know they aren’t bad feelings – they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years – decades – I’ve “used” people to hide from my feelings just like I’ve used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn’t aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don’t help what I’m going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I’m wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I’m not there yet – but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life — experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass…  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don’t have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself…and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss…the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my “familiar” patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It’s easier for me to avoid my feelings — numb them — or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I’m learning a different pattern…find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 120 – Family ties that burden our hearts


The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I’m moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That’s been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction…suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who’s ex-spouse went through a similar “full regiment” of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years – they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who’s brother is starting down the long road of recovery — and the painful “tough love” choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know – I’m there myself.  And I see it in others’ eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B’s father’s voice when we talked on the phone about Michael’s relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me – an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father’s voice that night – yet I’m sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is…

As family members — mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers — there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.  I am so used to doing, helping…and yet, in these close blood relationships, it’s the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm – I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love…the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don’t just do something.  Stand there.

Well, kneel there…and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church’s prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today…my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction…or the conversation with the woman from church…and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for “the addict who still suffers,” I whisper 4 names to myself — Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I’ve seen it work.  For those four especially, it’s all I can do.

Don’t just do something.  Stand there and pray.

Day 118 – Sharing my story


When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our “Lessons from the Contemporary Church” — essentially a mini-lead.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I’ve already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone’s heart…  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors…

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here’s a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 
I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.
Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise — 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor — and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life — but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 
But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  
I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom…I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.
Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night – literally – he was the first person I called.  
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.
I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  
I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left – but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same — but I have changed.  
This process of recovery takes time – it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs — and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough…and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable – as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us – most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.
Let me close by being clear about one thing – this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism…every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray — and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.