Tag: surrender

Open to another possibility


Growth can mean change, and change usually means growth – if I choose to embrace it.

It’s interesting to read my last post and see how things have progressed as I continue to try to live in the moment.

The day after I turned in my business plan for a new venture, I got a call for an interview for a position to which I had recently applied. A day after that, I was called back regarding a possible position from a round of interviews 9 months ago. Although I found initial peace in the calls, then humor at the timing — I began to wonder: what does this mean?  Which path is the best option at this point in my life?  Which one is most aligned with my Higher Power‘s will for my life at this point in time?  Very quickly, I was faced with new questions, new possibilities — and became a bit confused!  I thought the path was clear – I thought the series of life experiences I’ve been through had prepared me well for this new venture.  I was sure the events that led to it “being born” were clearly a series a of doors opening to lead me along a path.  So, why two more possibilities?  Why now?!

I asked some people whose opinion I trust about this.  As they pointed out, there really isn’t a decision to be made.  I’ve gotten two calls, and have been on four interviews for those two positions.  But, as of yet, there are no offers, thus no decisions.  So, for now, there is no need to worry, no need to seek discernment.  But, there is plenty of opportunity to pray and meditate — and to live in the moment.  At the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I have options – I have some choices – and for that I’m blessed and grateful.

But, I came to a new realization in this journey yesterday night during a workshop.  The one opportunity is becoming more real, as I have been through two phone interviews and an on-site half-day interview.  They are completing my background checks and are fully aware of my situation – that I’m in recovery and am currently on probation for charges which came about while seeking treatment for my addiction. So, the possibility is more real with each day that passes.  While I continue down the current path with appropriate diligence, I’ve also continued to pray, and be open to how answers might be revealed to me.  Well, I thought I was open…

What I realized last evening was as I continue to weigh out the pros and cons in my mind and “assess the situation,” I’m focusing more on “why wouldn’t I stay with my current path.” Any assessment of a “Plan B” usually ends up reverting back to, “but clearly, Plan A is the path that has been laid out to me.”

One friend told me to be open and let my Higher Power make the decision for me.  I challenged him with, “What exactly does that look like?”  The practical side of me struggles with out my HP would actually do that!  My friend encouraged me to just let the process play out, and seek help from others to discern.  He also pointed out that perhaps the second and third options weren’t presented for me – there might be a lesson for someone else along the way. Perhaps the interviewer needed to learn something.  Or, perhaps on my way to the interview, I would stop for coffee and talk with someone  – and that conversation would bear fruit for either me or them, or both.  And, that would be the sole reason the other option was allowed to play out.

Cool.  That helped me.  I could quickly get my head around this being a detour for another purpose — maybe for me, maybe for someone else — but, I was just a convenient detour.  But, the way was clear, the path was set.  Plan A was still the right path for me today!  Relief…

Then I read in my daily devotional earlier this week about the way hunters of old would catch monkeys.  They would fill a hollowed out coconut shell with some rice, and bore a hole just the size of a monkey’s wrist.  When the monkey would smell the rice, he would reach in – grab the rice out of  hunger – and rice-in-fist, would find himself “trapped” in the coconut shell.  It then became easy for the hunter to catch the monkey, because he couldn’t climb away — the monkey’s hunger and “gripping the rice for dear life” overrode his need to flee.  Thus, he was trapped.

The point of the devotional was when we hold onto to something so tightly, we are trapped — unable to see other possibilities.  The devotional encouraged me to find the rice in my life – and let go.

I realized last night that the rice in my life is Option A — starting my own business.  I am so dead-set on it, that I’m trapped — and am not open to another possibility. Even though I’m paying lip service to “being open to another path,” in my heart, I’m clinging to the option I think is best.  I’m clinging to MY WILL!

For the first time, last night I let my mind play with another possibility.  I honestly listened to the voice inside my head that talked about some very real pros to Plan B.  I realized that my ego might be playing too much into Plan A.  I like to hear people say they are proud of me.  I seek the spotlight, secretly hoping for praise and support to affirm me.  There’s a lot of me in there.  A lot of self and ego!  If I’m honest…

Also, for where I’m at right now in my recovery, Plan B may be a wiser approach.  (Yes, I got that suggestion before from my sponsor…but quickly discounted it in my mind, to be honest!)  Plan B would allow me time and energy to work on my recovery, and strengthen my foundation — something I allegedly already learned last year is critical!  I had another situation where I was jumping too quickly into something, with no “balance” — and my basic foundational understanding and use of recover tools wasn’t strong enough to carry me through.  Well, I didn’t understand enough to let go – admit I’m powerless – and let my HP’s strength carry me through!  But again, the lesson was — I had my priorities out of sequence and needed to put my recovery first.  So, have I really learned that lesson?

Going with Plan B now doesn’t mean Plan A couldn’t play out in the future.  In the past, when I thought of that option again, I quickly discounted because the timing seemed so right.  I was even told that by someone who reviewed my business plan: “your timing was just perfect.”  Although I replied, “it wasn’t my timing…” I did secretly hold onto that rice even harder!  I wasn’t open to seeing that if either approach really were my Higher Power’s will, not mine…then it would happen in the right sequence and timing.

Am I really open to another possibility?  I think not.

I’m closer today than I was a week ago.  So there is growth…some change…and with more prayer and mediation, I’m sure the openness will increase.

And so where I’m at today is: I still don’t have a decision to make. Nothing has changed there.  But, my heart feels more at peace and open to another possibility.  I’m willing to let go, and let things play out.  My hand is outstretched, not clenching the rice.  And with that, is coming a more profound freedom and calm.  If nothing else, for now, seeking His will for my life means simply being open to another possibility.  Really open – in my heart and soul.  Letting go.  Rightsizing my ego and getting out of the way.  Lots of catch phrases and buzzwords — but for me, today, I understand them on a new level.

For that I’m grateful.

 

Related Articles

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.

What more is there to GRIEVE?!


My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago that I’d be entering a “period of grieving.” I’m realizing there are losses from my past that I haven’t fully grieved because of my addictions. Now in recovery, the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. that come with grieving are hitting me in full force.  And that’s all good – and somewhat expected.

What I’m now realizing is that ain’t all!  He has “turned me worldview upside down” a couple of times in recent weeks — challenged my thinking, and since I know my best thinking is what GOT me here, I’m learning to listen, to stay open-minded, to remain teachable. And for this intelligent, arrogant know-it-all, that’s hard to do!  Honestly.  I’m learning the “power of a question”…like, really learning! Not just paying it lip service!

Today I asked him “what does passive-aggressive mean?.”  “I think I know, but let me ask…”  (See, arrogant!)  Well, humbly I learned something new.

I used to think passive-aggressive meant someone who goes back and forth between the two behaviors or extremes: being passive, then being aggressive.  The inconsistency for me was the focus, the frustration. Well, I learned today it has more to do with “being aggressive by being passive” – killing them softly…a nice a*#hole.  Oh 😉  Makes sense. Rather than be honest, authentic (appropriately so) – rather than make myself vulnerable and share how I’m feeling as the result of an action, a met or unmet need…I play out a game of aggression in a “nice” way.  Hmm…

I’m learning what it means to be honest – to be authentic.

 

Character defect: passive-aggressive.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: sarcasm.  Serves me well; lived in the UK, where they do it so well, though they call it a “dry sense of humor.”  Hallmark for me – one of my trademarks. Shoot.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: flirting.  Like passive-aggressive, it’s a way of avoiding honesty, vulnerability.  It’s really a game – a childish game, more appropriate for teen-age puppy love; not a grown, adult who is 42 years old.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: defining myself in relation to other people – usually in relationship with someone (either romantically or in friendship), not seeing myself as a unique, whole human being – complete in and of myself. Jerry Maguire doesn’t work in real life…”you complete me.”  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: pursuing romance instead of intimacy. Not that romance in and of itself is bad (I think…), but it’s not the end point – attraction, romance lead to healthy intimacy. But, I constantly chance romance – the newness – the excitement, which only gets me into trouble when I *am* in a relationship, because that newness is usually somewhere else. So, like flirting, it’s an emotionally immature response for a grown adult, as an end point.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Shoot.

Now I know what’s meant about giving up character defects – or being willing to give them up.  They’ve served me well…ok not so well, but they are comfortable.  I’m used to them.  But they have to go.

They’ve helped me cope with life.  But, is that all I want from life — to “cope with it?” Again, it’s like tolerance — not a substitute for love.  How many people want their friends or family to tell them, “I tolerate you.”  NO!  We all want and need, “I love you.” Likewise, I don’t want my tombstone to read, “Here lies CT. He coped with life.”  NO!  I want it to read, “Here lies CT.  He lived his life authentically.”

There’s a whole lot more that’s being added to this grief plate!

But, I know it’s all good.  It’s the growth I want – they growth I need – the growth I haven’t had since I was oh, about 18 years old.

So it’s no surprise my emotional responses in many cases are those of a teen-ager. 😉

Growth – grieving – goodness.

 

Related Articles