I look into the past
What do I see?
Truth
or Deception?
I wonder at times
What could have been
What should have been
What would have been
Not to dwell in the past
But to embrace its reality
Instead of floating in its deception
Because only by embracing
Will I be set free from its empty grip
Why?
Why did I lose my voice?
Why did I lose my soul?
Why did I lose myself?
In doing so, you consumed me
You consumed me with truth and lies
You consumed me with life and death
You consumed me with love and hate
You filled my emptiness with your own
Because I let you
My mind wants to recall the fun times
My heart wants to feel the intimacy
But I realize now that I seek this
To protect myself from the pain
To shield my heart from being alone
To deny what should have been
But that is the reality
That is the truth
That is what was
Not what could have been
What would have been
Had I been true to myself
An accurate memory that is authentic
Is better than a good one that is fake
A good memory is better than a bad picture
But a good picture does not replace a bad memory
Embrace the pain
Embrace what could have been
Embrace what should have been
Embrace what would have been
In doing so, I will find my voice
Reconnect with my soul
Rediscover myself
Be healed
Find Truth
Be Authentic
Move on
Today ends my 40 day journey of experiencing life without Facebook. Like some other addictive behaviors I have, I was finding that time with Facebook was consuming more time than time alone, or time in meditation, or time with others, or time working on steps or reading recovery literature. I learned early in my recovery that addiction isn’t just about the dope, or the alcohol or the sex. It’s about any behavior that obscures my true self. It’s about anything I do compulsively or obsessively. It’s about people, places or things that get in the way of my relationship with my Higher Power, other people or my self. I found myself sometimes defining my reality by Facebook — if it wasn’t posted on Facebook, it wasn’t significant. I found myself consumed with a desire to update, to read, to surf. I found myself more apt to post something on Facebook than to pick up the phone and call somebody. So, in the spirit of my religious beliefs and as part of my spiritual life I gave up Facebook for Lent – and took on other behaviors in its stead.
I wanted to write more cards and letters during this period. I removed as many barriers to this new behavior by purchasing a 50-pack of notecards and a book of stamps. So I wouldn’t have the excuse of not having something to write on, or not finding stamps. Sometimes after my morning meditation or before bed, when I found myself with an extra 5-10 minutes, I took the time to quickly jot a thank you or short note to say hello. As soon as they were written, I wrote out the envelope, placed the stamp and attached the card to my mailbox for the postal worker. For all those times I “beat myself up” for not writing a thank you card, or for not reaching out to my 96-year old grandmother – I’m able to find peace and joy knowing that I’ve done so recently.
This morning, a family relationship which is strained greatly was on my mind. The two parties involved are not speaking to one another – and they are first generation blood relatives. I’ve thought about the one party, with whom I’ve always shared a close bond over the years. When I first came out of the closet, they were extremely supportive and asked questions, showed interest. When I hit bottom and admitted my addiction to drugs, they didn’t dance around the topic and avoid the 500 pound elephant in the room. They reached out and talked with me, once again demonstrating their unconditional love and lack of judgement. I’ve thought of them often during the course of this family breakdown and wanted to reach out – but combination of pride, sadness and pain kept me from doing so. This morning during my meditation and devotional time, the situation came to mind – and all of that melted away. I realized that in my selfish inaction, I was not demonstrating the unconditional love and freedom from judgement they had shared with me over the years. The details of the family discord are really of no concern of mine. I’m not responsible for mending the relationships or seeking reconciliation for the parties involved. That’s my codependent nature peeking through — my self-centered delusions of grandeur and power, somehow believing that I’m god and possess the power to fix, manage or control others.
I’m powerless.
But I am able to show love and compassion. I am able to be present and connected.
Without the weight of false responsibility on my shoulders, I found both a willingness and a freedom to write a simple note. There was no hidden motive, no grand attempt to say something that would spur reconciliation, no pressure to find the right words. There was simply the desire to express my love for them – my desire to see and be with them – and my empathy for the sad and painful situation in which they find themselves.
Beyond that gem of self-awareness, I find myself calmly aware that I can choose to reconnect on Facebook…but not rushing to it with a compulsive need. I want to continue my newly restored habit of writing and calling more. But, even there I’ll simply take on today – showing gratitude for the gentle rain – thankful for the chance to be alive and share that aliveness with others.
We know well the two things that make up true addiction: obsession and compulsion. Obsession—that fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular drug, or some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew. Compulsion—once having started the process with one fix, one pill, or one drink we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our physical sensitivity to drugs, we are completely in the grip of a destructive power greater than ourselves.
The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are destroying our lives.
NA Basic Text
After my initial arrest and sentencing to probation for illegal possession, I found myself in a relapse last year which resulted in six months of house arrest for probation violation. A friend asked me, “Didn’t you know the legal consequences of doing illegal drugs?” When I answered yes, she couldn’t understand why — knowing that — I would continue to use. That’s when it first really sunk in for me and I understood that I am really wired differently.
The mental obsession, the physical compulsion…non-addicts just don’t have it.
Around the time of my last hearing for my probation violation, a friend who is not in recovery said something to the effect of, “It’s just eight more months. Wait this out and get on the other side of probation clean without any other violations. Heck, at that point if you want to have the biggest using party go ahead – just don’t do it while you’re on probation.” While I know that is ludicrous and goes against every grain of my recovery and self-awareness, that comment hasn’t left my mind in over two months! I don’t think of it daily – but probably at least a couple of times a month it’s come back to me. I know that wasn’t his intention – and this isn’t about everyone becoming P.C. and having to censor/watch what they say around me. It’s my addiction, my responsibility for recovery. However, that it’s engraved in my mind is another sign of the mental obsession.
I’m wired differently.
Then today, out of the blue – after almost five months of no contact – I get a text from an unknown number. It’s clearly my former dealer. Pushing his wares. I was in the middle of a meeting a church when the text came in. And I had to fight for the rest of the meeting to stay focused. I could feel a slight ‘rush’ in my system when I read the text and figured out what it was about. As I walked home, I told myself to delete the text and number right away. But, this addict mind hesitated…played out a couple of scenarios of how I might be able to grab something, use it in a controlled fashion, slip under the radar screen of probation. Really? Wow, I’m wired differently. Then, I applied the tools of my recovery – the ones I failed to apply when I relapsed last year. I played the tape through and reminded myself how ugly things had gotten. I replied, “Please delete my number and do not contact me again.” I prayed. I called my sponsor. I had a message from another addict (who called during the same meeting) who was in need of help – I called him back. I will share it with other addicts throughout this week to keep me honest. I am even writing this to keep me honest in a way and remind me that yes – it’s a real battle out there. But, if I apply 100% of the tools I’ve learned, 100% of the time – if I rely on my Higher Power because ultimately it’s not my strength that gets me through – if I’m vigilant in working this simple program on a daily basis – then yes – just for today, I can stay clean and sober.
The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock 