Tag: spirituality

Day 132 – A lesson in recovery…nearly 100 years in the making


I haven’t been blogging as much lately – been on the road visiting my family.  My 97 year old grandmother is with us now – so we have 4 generations together for the first time since my ten month old niece was born last summer.  Our last reunion was for my grandmother’s 95th birthday.  Since then, my addiction got more active…and I chose to stay at home in Indiana for #96 and #97 because I knew my supply was guaranteed.  I chose drugging over family.  I’m so grateful for where I am today.

The topic at a meeting I was at tonight was Living in the Moment.  I reflected on the last couple of days, and got an amazing lesson in recovery.  I thought about the first day with my grandmother when she was reintroduced to my two dogs.  When she saw the dogs she asked me “are those your dogs?”  I told her yes and told her their names.  About ten minutes later she asked me again “now are those your dogs?”  I answered her again, and told her the story of how I found them.  Although her long term memory is impeccable, her short term memory is failing.  After about 6-7 times of asking and me patiently answering, she started to remember they were my dogs. 

As I reflected on living in the moment…in a sense, she has the gift of being able to live in the moment!  To a certain extent, she’s stuck in the present — but what a better place to be than being stuck in the past or the future.  When I live in the past, resentments can overwhelm me.  When I live in the future, fear can paralyze me.  When I do either, I risk missing what’s going on in the present.  But, if I stay stuck in the present, I am able to enjoy the precious gift of life in front of me.

I’m so grateful to be back in life, able to create memories with my family and enjoy the gift of today!

Day 126 – Hurting people hurt…so find the source of the pain!


A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I’ve been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging…  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is…what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt…

I’ve been in a mood since yesterday and I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors — spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I’ve stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what’s going on.  That’s one of the tools I’ve learned — interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior…thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it’s works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and “act out.”  My cross addiction is people – relationships – sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it’s essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn’t make them go away.  I also know they aren’t bad feelings – they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years – decades – I’ve “used” people to hide from my feelings just like I’ve used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn’t aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don’t help what I’m going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I’m wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I’m not there yet – but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life — experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass…  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don’t have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself…and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss…the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my “familiar” patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It’s easier for me to avoid my feelings — numb them — or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I’m learning a different pattern…find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 121 – A Lesson on Self Reliance


A friend B. shared his “defining moment” story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn’t.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.
Don’t just do something.  Stand there and pray.
The rest of B’s story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  
He told me his story because he used to work for me – knew my story of recovery – and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his “defining moment.”  Self reliant – confident – in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water…self – no; others – no; God – yes.  
In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my “sabbatical” to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in…the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms…Psalm 120 was B’s motivation.  I’ll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I’ll continue to let that “percolate” — and see where things lead.