Tag: spirituality

Celebrating my “second chance”


One gift I took from my Lutheran days in college is an appreciation of spiritual rituals and traditions — that the “outward and visible is a sign and shadow of the inward and spiritual.”

Remembering my baptism – celebrating bellybutton, ‘gotcha’ and recovery birthdays – these are examples of life milestones and anniversaries that I choose to make traditions in my life.

December 21st is also a significant milestone in my life of recovery – in my “second chance” gift to reconnect with my true self and my Higher Power. It’s the date when I hit my spiritual and emotional bottom, reached out to my Higher Power through loved ones in my life, and started my life-long road of recovery.

It is with humility and gratitude that I celebrate, honor, and remember the hope, gratitude, loss, grief and resurrection in this first milestone,

A close friend shared a book with me earlier this year – Praying our Goodbyes: A Spiritual Companion through Life’s Losses and Sorrows. It has been a tremendous source of inspiration and guidance. I will close for now with a short passage from its preface – for those who know the connection I have with butterflies, you’ll appreciate why it struck such a chord with me.

I remembered the necessity of eventually “letting go” and that the journey does not conclude with goodbye but is followed by “hello.” The pattern of growth as of one of “life, death, resurrection” provided both solace and hope…Like the caterpillar, our grieving thoughts and distressed emotions lead us to believe all is ended, but what is happening in the darkness of our grief and desolation of letting go is that our life is slowly being transformed. In the midst of our emptiness and bleakness of heart, God is nurturing and strengthening us for future growth.

May your days continued to be filled with hope and grace.

What have I learned? One Day, Honesty and Surrender…again.


My morning devotional recently spoke to perfectionism…and failure. It talked about how in our failures are the greatest learning and growth — if we seek out the lessons amidst the disappointment.

I slipped up recently and ending up acting out and using. I’m avoiding labels like “lapse” or “relapse” because I choose to focus on the lessons amidst the disappointment. The question I find myself asking and answering at Day 11 is why? and what have I learned? Cautious to not over analyze nor become overconfident (at Day 11), I’ve reached the following conclusions.

Why? (Once again) I took on too much emotional work without reaching for support. Granted, I have a therapist now helping me in addition to my twelve-step recovery and my sponsor. Granted, I told everyone from my pastor, to friends, to fellow recovering addicts that I was “doing some good work — hard work — emotionally deep — but necessary.” But, then I fell back into my old patterns: I grabbed my journals, isolated and dove in head first, playing the patient and the therapist. And, though I uncovered some new insights to patterns I’ve developed over the years and honed in on losses I’ve failed to fully grieve that lurk beneath the surface of my addictive cycles…I got overwhelmed and surprise, fell back into my old pattern of escape. I used. I ran. I numbed.

Can’t do that. Need to reach out — talk to others and allow myself to be the “patient” — and need to take it easy, small bites…not make up for “lost time” and cram 30 years of healing into a weekend.

And what have I learned? What am I doing differently now – at Day 11 even – to honor my recovery?

I really feel like I’m approaching this phase one day at a time. In the past, I was always focused on getting to 30 days…60 days…with the ultimate goal of beating my longest amount of clean time. So though I mouthed the words one day at a time – I was really looking ahead too far. Doesn’t work – for me.

I’ve learned the need for honesty – for transparency. Without being cliche, it starts with me and those closest around me. I’ve become so used to telling lies, white lies, stretching the truth that even before the relapse, I was holding back — keeping up the facade. As one friend told me, “T, you seem like the sort of person who needs to look like you’ve got it all under control even when you are falling apart inside.” Oh Kim, your insights are so powerful. Thank you. I need to be willing and able to share where I’m at even when things aren’t going smoothly. Yes, I can be hopeful, joyous and optimistic – but that doesn’t mean things aren’t hard, scary and sometimes overwhelming. That’s when I need to reach out, ask for help and talk about how I’m feeling — even in the midst of it, even without the answers. Yes, T — I can be the patient…and be real, honest and transparent…and accepted.

Lastly, I’ve learned the meaning and need for surrender on another level. I say another level, because I am beginning to realize that in the same way my self-discovery is like an onion, peeling away layers with time and experience — so is my understanding of and ability to surrender.

I’ve reinvigorated my daily routine. Again, they told me keep it simple and stick to the basics. I pray in the morning — admit I’m powerless over my chemical and sexual addictions, surrendering my will and ability to my Higher Power. I ask for His help to stay clean and sober just for today — and for now, sexually abstinent (for 90 days!) I read my morning devotionals. I call others in recovery or my sponsor every day. I am doing another “90 in 90” (90 meetings in 90 days). I’m doing a 90 day plan of total abstinence from all sexual behavior. And at the end of the day, I lay my head on the pillow and thank my Higher Power for keeping my clean, sober and abstinent. Just for Today.

Day 146 – Addiction doesn’t discriminate…it’s a shame we do ;)


I was meeting some friends today to go to an event.  Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car.  I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown.  One of the guys didn’t want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car “in the ghetto.”  So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school’s parking lot’s in a trendy part of town near the event.  Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster.  In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car.  As we were leaving the area, he asked “Did you lock your car?”  When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change.  He didn’t want anything to be stolen from my car.  Hmmm…  Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.

I tell this story because I’ve heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city.  One guy said he didn’t care for a certain meeting room because it was “in the ghetto.”  His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity.  Funny thing – I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc…we all had the same story.  We all had our bottom.  We all fell victim to the same disease.  It didn’t matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive…a housewife or an auto mechanic.  This disease is the great equalizer.  And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone’s experience, strength and hope.  And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober…and one day may literally save my life.

Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting “in the ghetto.”  I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room.  I may also have been the only gay man.  There was one woman in a wheelchair.  The youngest was probably in his early 20’s…the oldest was in her late 60’s.  Bottom line, there was diversity.  And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I’m less of a minority.  And I connected with something that each person had to share — heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life — and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting.  There is no better than or worse than — we truly are equal.  Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her.  And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame…such a missed opportunity.

I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear…and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself.  In doing so, I’m in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.