Tag: spirituality

Discovering what works…my recovery program


I have struggled quite honestly since I first hit bottom in 2009 to get more than about 14 months of clean time as defined by the 12 step recovery groups.

With the recent help of some trusted friends, my higher power, some experiences with relapse, and some other lessons, I’m beginning to see that for me, I need more than “the rooms” can offer me…at least at this stage of my life.

The twelve-step programs have a definite place in recovery and work for some people as a “life plan.” Even for myself, they served a purpose during a the critical phase of my recovery, when I was learning to live life “on life’s terms.” But, I’m beginning to understand they fall short of what I want and need now.  So, I’m finding my own “voice,” and my own “recovery program.”

Quite simply, for me, life is more about living in the gray. Things are not as simple or neatly defined as one finds in the very “fundamentalist” worldview of 12 step groups. I’ve already lived through the painful disappointment of a rigid, dogmatic Christian “cult” when I was in college.  Again, it served as a useful “crutch” during a traumatic period of loss, while my parents were going through a divorce.  Back then, the Christian group on campus gave me structure and instant “community” – though in the long run, their worldview was very black and white, right and wrong – with little room for independent thinking and diversity.  So as a gay man, I left — and watched as every single relationship turned their back on me because of my choice to come out of the closet.

What I’ve come to realize is the 12 step process was beginning to give me the same heartache and disappointment.  I’ve been really frustrated and let down, because what I’ve heard from people in the rooms and their demonstrated practice have not matched up.  I heard expectations from them about what they would do in times of need – yet in those times of need, I found little support, friendship or understanding.

As with the teachings of the Christian campus group, there is still much that agree with and can use going forward.  So, I don’t want to throw everything out with the bath water.  I can try some things on – if they work for me, then they become a part of my belief system.  But, if they don’t work for me, I can reject them and move on…and that’s okay.

It’s called finding my voice, coming up with my guiding principles, discovering myself…which ultimately is what MY recovery is about. I lost myself in work, relationships, and ex-pat living.  I don’t want to “lose myself” to another external organization and philosophy.  Instead, I want to learn from others, but determine my own path.

The beauty about rediscovering yourself is you get to do it over and over.  And that’s exciting and scary – but more aligned with where this recovery person wants to be.  It’s a little more fluid and messy at times – but in my experience, that’s life.

The other important thing for me to remember is this doesn’t mean that other people are wrong and that I’m right.  It just means that I found what has worked for me, just for today.  It’s about living in the gray, it’s about asking questions, it’s about being open to changing beliefs when they no longer work for me until I find the handful of principles that are my “truths” by which I choose to live.

The Power of a Question: Why do you want to do this?


I’m launching a new venture – a non-profit that will work in the general space of recovery and re-entry of the ex-offender. This stems from a passion I’ve had for awhile, fueled by an experience I had in late 2010 while I was unemployed.  The Mayor’s Office for Re-Entry sponsored a workshop for ex-offenders, planting the idea/seed to consider starting a small business as an alternative to facing barriers to employment.  Fast forward, and the timing seems to be unfolding to pursue this dream – the Candlestick House and Engagement Center (www.candlestickhouse.org).

I was recently having dinner with a friend who is helping me with some concepts we’d like to use with CHEC. She asked me a question: so why do you want to do this?

Huh?

Umm…

Wow…

Ok.  Anne, I’m pausing because I don’t want to just rattle off “the right answer” (whatever that really means right?) or the first thing that comes to mind.  We talked more that evening…and since then, that question has percolating in my mind.  And, I’ve come to understand why (well one of the reasons why…)

To learn how to live in community.

That resonates deeply with me.

It connects with two stories from my time at Broadway UMC, and how my Higher Power has revealed things to me that I needed to learn or understand.  One comes from a sermon that Rachel gave during a Lenten season.  At the time, I was in recovery, but still living at my house in Greenfield – and unemployed.  I knew I would be moving to Indianapolis once the house sold, but that was about all I knew.  Her question for us was “What are you taking on for Lent?”  Yes, taking on for Lent – not giving up, which is the traditional approach we often take.  From what I recall, it was challenge to take on a new practise, a new dimension to our spiritual life, a new perspective.  As I pondered the question – in the context of my growing up as an Exxon brat and then my 7 moves during my 19 year career at Lilly – the answer came to me…  I would take on Living in Community.

So as I made my selection for where to live in Indianapolis, I deliberately chose Mapleton Fall Creek neighborhood, the area around my home church.  And I’ve committed that barring some unforeseen circumstance, I will remain in MFC – making this home.  Remember – the longest I had ever lived in one place (neighborhood or community) since elementary school was my 4 years at college.  So, at the age of 42 years old, that’s a pretty significant shift.

Now since then, I’ve made small strides – but probably nothing as deliberate or intentional as I’d like.  But nonetheless, it’s progress, not perfection – and it has born fruit for me to stay in one place.

Which leads me to the second connection or story with Broadway UMC.  In our recent three year planning process at church, we talked about “living out our mission with greater intention.”   We didn’t redo our strategy or mission – we felt that the one people came up with 40 years ago is still our calling: “to be a multicultural Christian community, that in its ministry seeks, welcomes and values all people.”  We’ve chosen simply how to live that out more deliberately – with greater intention.  And entering into Year Two, I can personally see the fruits of our approach.  For that I’m grateful and humbled.

And as I reflect on my personal decisions to take on “Living in Community” – on staying in Mapleton Fall Creek – and now to start this venture of bringing the Candlestick House and Engagement Center to life, it has been VERY significant to me that the property we are looking at is in MFC. I believe in signs or affirmations – and this was one of many that has pointed me to this venture, in this time, in this place.  CHEC will be a part of the community in which I live. That was pretty awesome and important to me.

And, then as I think about my Lenten pledge and my sense that I haven’t done as much as I might have hoped or liked…I realized that this venture isn’t just for the women who might live in the house, or the people who drop in looking for resources or connections, or even for the community residents around us who might get involved.  This venture isn’t just about them…it’s about my journey, helping me to learn how to Live in Community with geater intention.  Full stop.

And, this “revelation” of sorts will also keep me humble because as I come into the venture “helping individuals lead fulfilling lives in community,” I’m not coming into the situation “with all the answers.”  I’m not coming to “help someone” – “save them” – “equip them with life-skills.”  No, we’re coming into a relationship – a community – to discover what is already here, to find one another’s gifts, and to support one another in our personal journeys.  And I’m convinced that in and through that, I will learn…as much or more as anyone.

I don’t have the answer.

I just have the power of a question.

As a self-centered, egotistical engineer problem-solver, that’s a HUGE admission.

And for once in my life, I’m ok with that.

So Anne, why am I doing this?  To learn how to live in community.

That’s pretty awesome.  For me.

And all that from a question?!

Thank you for helping me discovery what I needed to understand.

Questions to the Sick II: When is the last time you danced?


A daily devotional I use by Mark Nepo introduced me to a series of questions Native America medicine men ask of the sick: When was the last time you sang? When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you told your story? These questions would be put to the sick and dying by the tribe’s medicine man. In my recovery journey, I’m learning it’s just as important to ask these questions of the living. (http://www.marknepo.com/books_theexquisite.php)

Question II popped up again this week as I cycle through the book a second time, so I’ve been more aware of this lesson. And, I can actually think of two recent contrasting experiences that taught me an even deeper lesson.

Last month, I was at an outdoor concert of Jennie DeVoe, a regional musician whose work has been a discovered gift since I started this journey. There in the open venue, I jumped up, stood by our table and let myself go — dancing and swaying to one of my favorite songs from my muse. I let the joyful release of the music flow through me, unphased by what others might think of me.

Last night, I was at another outdoor venue, listening to a live broadcast of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion. His storytelling and weekly radio broadcast have been a part of my story since I was in my twenties. But, in my final years of active addiction, my Higher Power used several broadcasts in particular to speak to my broken spirit. I knew then I’d be ok even if I didn’t know when and how. So, one of my bucket list items was to see him broadcast live. With that context, again, it’s no surprise I felt the same joyful release well up inside me. I SO wanted to jump up and dance — but I held back. It was still an amazing performance, with laughter and tears and healing. But, I wasn’t able to live as authentically as I wanted.

As I reflected today on the way I chose to react so differently during those two cathartic situations, I asked myself — why? I realized the level of safety created by the company I was with was a key factor.

I’m human, and know that much of my life has been driven by fear and shame. In one situation, I knew I would be understood and my joy celebrated. In the other, I feared ridicule and shame.

What a difference the company we choose can make. And today, I do have choices. It doesn’t make one set of people “good” and one “bad.” But, it does mean I can make choices to be around that which celebrates living authentically and openly. And being able to make those choices doesn’t make me better than. It simply is what I choose to do.

Of course, I hope that in the future, I’m able to let go regardless…unphased by the reaction of others, driven instead by the deep connectedness I’m having at that moment with the music, my feelings, my true self…and the universe.

But, this is a journey – I strive for progress, not perfection.

Today, I’m simply grateful for the awareness and growth.