Tag: resentment

Day 117 – One of these days, I’m gonna get burned…


I’ve written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven’t done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what’s going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don’t bite me in the ass!  And it’s more deadly than that…before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don’t either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I’ll end up in the same place…relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I’m not more vigilant and use the tools I’ve learned, I’ll get burned.  This ain’t Boy Scout Camp — this is real shit.  People go out, and most don’t come back.  People die.  It’s that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren’t that relevant.  The point is I held onto them – even subconsciously.  I didn’t take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew… resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control – what I’m responsible for – and started taking other people’s inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don’t.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what’s going on – even the little stuff…cause it’s the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix ’em up with a little hunger or loneliness…recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded…stayed in my head…and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head – my rationalization – my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life – mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there…is patient…let me vent…then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective – the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.

It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That’s about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It’s that simple.

Now, easy does it…progress, not perfection…lay my head down and be thankful for what I’ve got.

Day 87 – 30 day misery back guarantee!


I opened yesterday’s mail this morning.  Note to self – DON’T do that again before morning meditation and prayers…and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions…life insurance…401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it’s still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts — I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make – such little time – and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is – I didn’t get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today…and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace…I can make it.  God didn’t bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I’m reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  “If you’re not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work – we will gladly refund your misery.”  Yep, it’s the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using – the drinking – the escape – the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring…isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times — the tough choices — the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today — I know that each and every day of sobriety I’ve enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I’m grateful.

I’ll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 75 – Another step in my journey


A letter to friends…


Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today — on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction.  Over two months later, I’m doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.

For those of you who have seen my “Step One Video,” you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today — for learning to “fall in love again” with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I’ve grown distance because of my active addiction. I’m rediscovering who I am is — not what I do. I’m not defined by what I do.  I’m a human being – not a “human doing.”  Quite simply, I’ve been reminded I’m a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I’ve been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized — but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.

Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 — the event that led to my treatment and recovery.]  Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless.  I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn’t use drugs or drink — but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed — this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn’t use the tools I’ve learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn’t abandon me – nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety…”God didn’t bring you this far into recovery to abandon you.”  Lesson learned.

I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend.  With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in.  “If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now,” said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) — I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing…outside about a block and half!  Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs!   But, alas — better to have a good memory than a bad picture!  Or in this case — a bad memory instead of a good picture 😉

My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let’s not get ahead of things. It is what it is…I’m at peace…and God’s hand continues to be in my life. For that I’m very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes — it’s only by the grace of God that I’ll see less than what’s due. I’ll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.

On Friday March 5th, following my employer’s policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given — working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm’s reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance — but essentially, that’s what I learned. I understand their decision. I don’t agree with the steps they took – but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise — that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I’ve been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action.  I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I’m disappointed… angry… and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them — to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse — at the heart of much addictive behavior — and that I can not afford.  


Step 1 teaches me to admit that I’m powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. In admitting powerlessness, I must eventually come to the point where I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power who can and will restore me to sanity. On Friday, I finally understood this on a deeper level and “worked” that first step even harder.

I surrender…

I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1.  It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober…just for today.

I’m grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events — my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I’m simply grateful to be where I am today…alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I’ve learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life — because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.


I know who’s in control — as long as I stop hopping in the driver’s seat, I’ll be just fine 😉  I can honestly see this already as a blessing.  The timing and circumstances are unfortunate — but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger.  I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life.  I pray simply to know God’s will for my life and the strength to carry it out.