Tag: relationships

Feelings are back…


“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.”

Tonight at Homegroup, this was in our reading.  I’ve written here before I believe that this has been part of my struggle in the past year — facing feelings, learning to name them, learning to live through them. I need to admit I’m powerless over my feelings – but not run from them, numb them with using people, places or things. When feeling them became too much in the past during my recovery, and I didn’t TALK about it, and ask for help, I found myself in relapse.

So today, I got in touch with those feelings.

I’m feeling sad because I’m on house arrest. I’m scared as I work on launching my new business because this is all new to me. I’m second guessing myself about my choices to pursue this angle vs. putting more energy and effort into finding a regular job – did I give up too quickly? That uncertainty is creating anxiety and fear. I’m sad because a newcomer has stopped returning texts and I’m wondering if he has gone back out. I’m angry about my last relapse – neither the high nor the guy were worth the pain and consequences I’m experiencing now. I’m angry that I put people on pedestals and they let me down. I’m angry that someone I respect and started to get close to is angry with me, ignores me and is rejecting me. I’m sad at losing that friendship. I’m not used to getting close enough to someone to CARE if I lose a friendship — so this is new for me. I’m mad that I didn’t live up to my own standards around confidentiality and gossip. I’m angry that others with more experience in the rooms did the same and implicitly gave me permission to do so when it went against my values and what’s important to me. I’m overwhelmed with deadlines and commitments – to move, to submit a business plan, to complete work for clients. It’s been a year since I’ve had to worry about that – because I’ve been focused solely on recovery, or relapse.  Living in society is frustrating.  I’m glad to be back in it, but scared and mad and sad. I’m scared of moving, afraid to ask for help, overwhelmed by what I need to complete, scared of what I don’t know I need to do because I’ve never moved myself.

And feeling all this is overwhelming.  It caught up with me today.  And I am blue.

But, I told people I’m blue.  I was honest and open.

I talked about my sadness, anger, fear, disappointment at Homegroup. I cried.  I don’t like to cry, but for now, it’s what happens when I feel — and I just need to live through it.  It feels at times like the floodgates will rush open and 30+ years of sadness, loss, anger, grief, resentment, etc. will rush forward and overwhelm me.  I want to run.

But I can’t afford to.  When I run, I use.  When I use, I die.

I know that this too will pass.  I know this is healthy. I know this is new. I know my Higher Power is bigger than my feelings and fear, and has taken care of me thus far.  He didn’t save me from drowning in the ocean only to let me die on the beach.

I know I’ll be ok.

Just for today.

And I don’t have to pick up no matter what.  I don’t have to use today.

 

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Honesty and Help


I understand.
I get it.
I know.

But do I?  Really?

Or have I learned to survive across three decades to show confidence to mask my fear?  Unknowingly, do my typical answers above make me come across as close minded and arrogant?

I’m learning with some help from others that I do in fact shut people down and push them away with my language.  I’m not only deceiving myself, I’m closing myself off from help and experience I need in my life.

Why not try…

I don’t understand.  Could you explain that to me?
I don’t get it.  Can you tell me more?
I don’t know.  Would you be willing to help me?

I’m reminded of The Power of A Question.

I’m learning that I don’t have to have all the answers.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  Most people aren’t going to laugh at me or take advantage of me — most people would be very willing to help if I let them.  If I’m willing to make myself vulnerable, be honest with myself and others and ask for help I will in turn find strength, support and insight.

Just for today, I will try to stay open-minded and honest.

Mirror: seeing myself in others


I’ve come to accept that I’m an addict – which means I have just as easily used people and relationships to “escape” from reality as I have drugs and alcohol. In fact, I’m realizing now that my “deeper” addiction — the one I’ve lived with longer — is based on using co-dependent relationships or sex as my “drug of choice.”

I’ve recently started another “90 in 90” — 90 meetings in 90 days — as part of my twelve-step recovery process. Additionally, to bring some relief and clarity on an emotional level, I’m committing to a 90 day period of abstinence from acting out sexually. More on that later, but let me share an experience I had today that showed me how shallow I have been in my past with respect to people…how I’ve used people, plain and simple.

An “online buddy” of mine text me today to see “how I was doing.” He made it clear pretty quickly what he was looking for…and to be honest, a month ago, I would have been looking for the same thing. In fact, I know I reached out to him on at least one occasion and never heard back from him…he was busy with studies. I remember thinking “how self-centered…all he thinks about are his own needs!” Of course, I just wanted him for mine…but never mind, I couldn’t see that at the time.

Today, I shared with him that I was on a 90 day abstinence plan. He asked, “how long ’til your 90 days are up?” I replied “80 days!” He pondered his dilemma then replied, “That will put me back into the middle of next semester…see you at graduation.” And that was it. End of text.

As I reflected on this, I was proud that I stuck to my plan — that I actually am starting to value myself and others beyond the purely shallow physical needs. Let me add that I’m quite early in my recovery from THIS part of my illness (lest I get too confident!)

I found myself wanting to say “But, I’m available for other stuff — talking, movies, getting to know each other as human beings!” — but I realized that was not the context for our relationship and would be asking for more than it could probably offer…and more than I really needed to be seeking at this point in my recovery!

Then, I found myself a little angry and frustrated — I think he’s actually a pretty interesting character and would like to get to know him…and I was offended that he only saw me for one thing — an object to be used solely for his needs, selfishly and physically.

And with that, the mirror appeared I saw myself clearly….

One way in which my sexual addiction manifests itself is in the objectification of men — seeing them not as whole beings (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) — but only seeing part or parts of them. I would then use them as solely physical beings to selfishly meet my physical needs, or to help me avoid pain or escape from reality. How was that any different from the way in which I had just been treated?

It wasn’t.

I see in others the character defects which I so desperately want to overcome. I see the splinter in his eye, not realizing there is a log in mine. I have some to appreciate that parable on a deeper level…it doesn’t just mean I have my own issues, some of which may be “bigger” or “worse…” For me, I now see that it means I often have the same defect…made of the same material…the same wood…the same brokenness.

So, I empathize with my friend – my fellow human being. So quick to judge or anger, I must instead take responsibility for my own needs, actions and thoughts…and admit my powerlessness over my addictions. It is only in surrendering that I will find relief…just for today.