Tag: relapse

Am I Wired Differently? Am I Really? Two words remind me…


We know well the two things that make up true addiction: obsession and compulsion. Obsession—that fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular drug, or some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew. Compulsion—once having started the process with one fix, one pill, or one drink we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our physical sensitivity to drugs, we are completely in the grip of a destructive power greater than ourselves.

The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are destroying our lives.

NA Basic Text

After my initial arrest and sentencing to probation for illegal possession, I found myself in a relapse last year which resulted in six months of house arrest for probation violation.  A friend asked me, “Didn’t you know the legal consequences of doing illegal drugs?” When I answered yes, she couldn’t understand why — knowing that — I would continue to use.  That’s when it first really sunk in for me and I understood that I am really wired differently.

The mental obsession, the physical compulsion…non-addicts just don’t have it.

Around the time of my last hearing for my probation violation, a friend who is not in recovery said something to the effect of, “It’s just eight more months. Wait this out and get on the other side of probation clean without any other violations. Heck, at that point if you want to have the biggest using party go ahead – just don’t do it while you’re on probation.” While I know that is ludicrous and goes against every grain of my recovery and self-awareness, that comment hasn’t left my mind in over two months!  I don’t think of it daily – but probably at least a couple of times a month it’s come back to me. I know that wasn’t his intention – and this isn’t about everyone becoming P.C. and having to censor/watch what they say around me. It’s my addiction, my responsibility for recovery. However, that it’s engraved in my mind is another sign of the mental obsession.

I’m wired differently.

Then today, out of the blue – after almost five months of no contact – I get a text from an unknown number. It’s clearly my former dealer. Pushing his wares. I was in the middle of a meeting a church when the text came in.  And I had to fight for the rest of the meeting to stay focused. I could feel a slight ‘rush’ in my system when I read the text and figured out what it was about. As I walked home, I told myself to delete the text and number right away. But, this addict mind hesitated…played out a couple of scenarios of how I might be able to grab something, use it in a controlled fashion, slip under the radar screen of probation. Really?  Wow, I’m wired differently. Then, I applied the tools of my recovery – the ones I failed to apply when I relapsed last year. I played the tape through and reminded myself how ugly things had gotten. I replied, “Please delete my number and do not contact me again.”  I prayed. I called my sponsor. I had a message from another addict (who called during the same meeting) who was in need of help – I called him back. I will share it with other addicts throughout this week to keep me honest.  I am even writing this to keep me honest in a way and remind me that yes – it’s a real battle out there. But, if I apply 100% of the tools I’ve learned, 100% of the time – if I rely on my Higher Power because ultimately it’s not my strength that gets me through – if I’m vigilant in working this simple program on a daily basis – then yes – just for today, I can stay clean and sober.

Am I wired differently?

Absolutely.

Am I a victim of that situation?

Absolutely not!

Is the glass half full, or half empty?


This is a running joke between me and a very dear friend of mine. I, the eternal optimist, see the glass half full; he the realist (not pessimist! as he points out) sees the glass half empty. We love to tease each other about our different perspectives on life, people, circumstances.

This came to mind recently as I’ve been wrestling with my expectations of other people and situations. As you can imagine, the wrestling comes from being disappointed, sad and frustrated when they aren’t met. I’ve been told that as an addict, it’s important not to have expectations – because they can lead to disappointments and resentments, which are recipes for relapse.

But as I’ve chewed on this and brought it up as a topic in meetings and with my therapist, I have questioned: “Is this really how I want to go through life?  Not having expectations?”  Sounds awfully dull.  Sounds a lot like seeing the glass as half empty!  I’m not ready to make that switch!

Honest – yes.  Open minded – eh…  Willing – not so much.

I’ve been here before.  It’s time to revisit my world view…again.

Without being cliché, what I’m realizing is it’s about accepting things they way they are, not the way I want them to be.  Accepting that people in my life — even friends with 10 and 20 years of recovery — as broken human beings in need of compassion and grace, not judgement and rejection. It’s about living in the moment, and trusting my Higher Power to take care of me. My expectations are about control – and I have to accept that I am powerless over people, places and things. It doesn’t mean I accept injustice, bigotry, discrimination, etc. But, most of the situations in my life recently that frustrate and disappoint me don’t fall into that category.

So is the glass half full, or half empty?

That’s not the right question.  In fact, there is no question.

It’s a glass of sweet nectar – the sweet nectar of life!  Drink deeply and enjoy the refreshing gift.

Feelings are back…


“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.”

Tonight at Homegroup, this was in our reading.  I’ve written here before I believe that this has been part of my struggle in the past year — facing feelings, learning to name them, learning to live through them. I need to admit I’m powerless over my feelings – but not run from them, numb them with using people, places or things. When feeling them became too much in the past during my recovery, and I didn’t TALK about it, and ask for help, I found myself in relapse.

So today, I got in touch with those feelings.

I’m feeling sad because I’m on house arrest. I’m scared as I work on launching my new business because this is all new to me. I’m second guessing myself about my choices to pursue this angle vs. putting more energy and effort into finding a regular job – did I give up too quickly? That uncertainty is creating anxiety and fear. I’m sad because a newcomer has stopped returning texts and I’m wondering if he has gone back out. I’m angry about my last relapse – neither the high nor the guy were worth the pain and consequences I’m experiencing now. I’m angry that I put people on pedestals and they let me down. I’m angry that someone I respect and started to get close to is angry with me, ignores me and is rejecting me. I’m sad at losing that friendship. I’m not used to getting close enough to someone to CARE if I lose a friendship — so this is new for me. I’m mad that I didn’t live up to my own standards around confidentiality and gossip. I’m angry that others with more experience in the rooms did the same and implicitly gave me permission to do so when it went against my values and what’s important to me. I’m overwhelmed with deadlines and commitments – to move, to submit a business plan, to complete work for clients. It’s been a year since I’ve had to worry about that – because I’ve been focused solely on recovery, or relapse.  Living in society is frustrating.  I’m glad to be back in it, but scared and mad and sad. I’m scared of moving, afraid to ask for help, overwhelmed by what I need to complete, scared of what I don’t know I need to do because I’ve never moved myself.

And feeling all this is overwhelming.  It caught up with me today.  And I am blue.

But, I told people I’m blue.  I was honest and open.

I talked about my sadness, anger, fear, disappointment at Homegroup. I cried.  I don’t like to cry, but for now, it’s what happens when I feel — and I just need to live through it.  It feels at times like the floodgates will rush open and 30+ years of sadness, loss, anger, grief, resentment, etc. will rush forward and overwhelm me.  I want to run.

But I can’t afford to.  When I run, I use.  When I use, I die.

I know that this too will pass.  I know this is healthy. I know this is new. I know my Higher Power is bigger than my feelings and fear, and has taken care of me thus far.  He didn’t save me from drowning in the ocean only to let me die on the beach.

I know I’ll be ok.

Just for today.

And I don’t have to pick up no matter what.  I don’t have to use today.

 

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