Tag: powerless

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.

What more is there to GRIEVE?!


My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago that I’d be entering a “period of grieving.” I’m realizing there are losses from my past that I haven’t fully grieved because of my addictions. Now in recovery, the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. that come with grieving are hitting me in full force.  And that’s all good – and somewhat expected.

What I’m now realizing is that ain’t all!  He has “turned me worldview upside down” a couple of times in recent weeks — challenged my thinking, and since I know my best thinking is what GOT me here, I’m learning to listen, to stay open-minded, to remain teachable. And for this intelligent, arrogant know-it-all, that’s hard to do!  Honestly.  I’m learning the “power of a question”…like, really learning! Not just paying it lip service!

Today I asked him “what does passive-aggressive mean?.”  “I think I know, but let me ask…”  (See, arrogant!)  Well, humbly I learned something new.

I used to think passive-aggressive meant someone who goes back and forth between the two behaviors or extremes: being passive, then being aggressive.  The inconsistency for me was the focus, the frustration. Well, I learned today it has more to do with “being aggressive by being passive” – killing them softly…a nice a*#hole.  Oh 😉  Makes sense. Rather than be honest, authentic (appropriately so) – rather than make myself vulnerable and share how I’m feeling as the result of an action, a met or unmet need…I play out a game of aggression in a “nice” way.  Hmm…

I’m learning what it means to be honest – to be authentic.

 

Character defect: passive-aggressive.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: sarcasm.  Serves me well; lived in the UK, where they do it so well, though they call it a “dry sense of humor.”  Hallmark for me – one of my trademarks. Shoot.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: flirting.  Like passive-aggressive, it’s a way of avoiding honesty, vulnerability.  It’s really a game – a childish game, more appropriate for teen-age puppy love; not a grown, adult who is 42 years old.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: defining myself in relation to other people – usually in relationship with someone (either romantically or in friendship), not seeing myself as a unique, whole human being – complete in and of myself. Jerry Maguire doesn’t work in real life…”you complete me.”  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: pursuing romance instead of intimacy. Not that romance in and of itself is bad (I think…), but it’s not the end point – attraction, romance lead to healthy intimacy. But, I constantly chance romance – the newness – the excitement, which only gets me into trouble when I *am* in a relationship, because that newness is usually somewhere else. So, like flirting, it’s an emotionally immature response for a grown adult, as an end point.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Shoot.

Now I know what’s meant about giving up character defects – or being willing to give them up.  They’ve served me well…ok not so well, but they are comfortable.  I’m used to them.  But they have to go.

They’ve helped me cope with life.  But, is that all I want from life — to “cope with it?” Again, it’s like tolerance — not a substitute for love.  How many people want their friends or family to tell them, “I tolerate you.”  NO!  We all want and need, “I love you.” Likewise, I don’t want my tombstone to read, “Here lies CT. He coped with life.”  NO!  I want it to read, “Here lies CT.  He lived his life authentically.”

There’s a whole lot more that’s being added to this grief plate!

But, I know it’s all good.  It’s the growth I want – they growth I need – the growth I haven’t had since I was oh, about 18 years old.

So it’s no surprise my emotional responses in many cases are those of a teen-ager. 😉

Growth – grieving – goodness.

 

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Feelings are back…


“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.”

Tonight at Homegroup, this was in our reading.  I’ve written here before I believe that this has been part of my struggle in the past year — facing feelings, learning to name them, learning to live through them. I need to admit I’m powerless over my feelings – but not run from them, numb them with using people, places or things. When feeling them became too much in the past during my recovery, and I didn’t TALK about it, and ask for help, I found myself in relapse.

So today, I got in touch with those feelings.

I’m feeling sad because I’m on house arrest. I’m scared as I work on launching my new business because this is all new to me. I’m second guessing myself about my choices to pursue this angle vs. putting more energy and effort into finding a regular job – did I give up too quickly? That uncertainty is creating anxiety and fear. I’m sad because a newcomer has stopped returning texts and I’m wondering if he has gone back out. I’m angry about my last relapse – neither the high nor the guy were worth the pain and consequences I’m experiencing now. I’m angry that I put people on pedestals and they let me down. I’m angry that someone I respect and started to get close to is angry with me, ignores me and is rejecting me. I’m sad at losing that friendship. I’m not used to getting close enough to someone to CARE if I lose a friendship — so this is new for me. I’m mad that I didn’t live up to my own standards around confidentiality and gossip. I’m angry that others with more experience in the rooms did the same and implicitly gave me permission to do so when it went against my values and what’s important to me. I’m overwhelmed with deadlines and commitments – to move, to submit a business plan, to complete work for clients. It’s been a year since I’ve had to worry about that – because I’ve been focused solely on recovery, or relapse.  Living in society is frustrating.  I’m glad to be back in it, but scared and mad and sad. I’m scared of moving, afraid to ask for help, overwhelmed by what I need to complete, scared of what I don’t know I need to do because I’ve never moved myself.

And feeling all this is overwhelming.  It caught up with me today.  And I am blue.

But, I told people I’m blue.  I was honest and open.

I talked about my sadness, anger, fear, disappointment at Homegroup. I cried.  I don’t like to cry, but for now, it’s what happens when I feel — and I just need to live through it.  It feels at times like the floodgates will rush open and 30+ years of sadness, loss, anger, grief, resentment, etc. will rush forward and overwhelm me.  I want to run.

But I can’t afford to.  When I run, I use.  When I use, I die.

I know that this too will pass.  I know this is healthy. I know this is new. I know my Higher Power is bigger than my feelings and fear, and has taken care of me thus far.  He didn’t save me from drowning in the ocean only to let me die on the beach.

I know I’ll be ok.

Just for today.

And I don’t have to pick up no matter what.  I don’t have to use today.

 

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