Tag: pain

Entering my picture of life and letting go of the frame


“The exquisite risk…[is near]…when the ache we’ve suppressed for weeks creeps into our throat, when silence appears at the edge of our exhaustion like an old friend we couldn’t find. Often, the exquisite risk is waiting on the other side of the curtains we draw and the invitations we decline. And sudden birds, if followed, will lead us there. If we only enter our picture of life and let go of the frame.”

Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had some amazing moments of being present, of connecting with life, of entering my picture of life. I’ve been sad, glad, mad and afraid. But, I’ve seen the sudden birds and followed them.  And in those moments, I experienced the exquisite risk of which Mark speaks.  I felt so alive, whether in pain or overflowing with musical joy.  I’ve sung Beatles songs and songs of praise in my helmet, riding on my motorcycle on the interstate at 65 mph. I’ve dipped my toe in the water of deep sorrow, pain and regret, cleansing my aching soul with tears.  That is life as I want to live it.  That is being, not doing.

And, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been human – broken and afraid, drifting back to comfortable patterns of running from the sorry, pain and regret.  I’ve suppressed the ache, drawn the curtains and declined the invitations.  But today, I celebrate those moments of weakness because despite them and through them, I’ve seen and accepted my humanness.  With the grace of my higher power, I’ve gained insight and learning even through the “mistakes” I’ve made.  The more authentically I embrace the exquisite risk, the more clear is the emptiness of the alternative choices.  And for that clarity, I’m grateful.

I also choose to celebrate the gift of sobriety I’ve been given through those moments because despite returning to old patterns, I haven’t picked up a drink or a drug.  I’ve used people, places and things to numb the pain, or to escape the reality of life on life’s terms.  But, I’ve carried the lessons of my last relapse into each day and turned things over to my higher power, seeking enough strength amidst the escape to say no to mood or mind-altering substances.  And for that gift of life, I’m grateful.  It’s gift not of my strength, but of my weakness — not of my will, but of my submission.

Just for today, I will let it be.  I will let go, and let God.  I will enter my picture of life and let go of the frame.

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Life on Life’s Terms 101: A Primer for Living


I attended a 12-step meeting this morning. The topic was “gratitude.”

A woman shared her gratitude for this particular meeting and the things she learned from people in the meeting. She told how things she learned along the way helped her this past week with some news she received.

On Thursday, she found out she has breast cancer.

“The first thing I did was write out a gratitude list.  That, I learned from K.”

“The second thing I did was recite the Serenity Prayer like we do at every meeting.  It meant a little more to me that afternoon – particularly the part about accepting the things I can not change.”

“Then I applied steps 1, 2 and 3.  I’ve learned that from T. and G. and others here in the room as they went through major events in their life. I felt a peace, knowing that my Higher Power was with me and would be with me throughout this.”

At the end of the meeting when we celebrated birthdays, she picked up her 23-year token.

This is a simple program.

End of lesson.

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Feelings don’t have to run my life – but I don’t have to run from feelings in my life!


In the late 80’s, I spent four years in what I choose to call a Christian Cult. One of the teachings there focused on managing feelings – controlling them – keeping them in check. The idea was we should not allow our feelings to run our lives. Discipline, character, moral code, acting despite how we might feel — these were held up as goals of “right living.”

Feed that to an addict who already has a well-developed set of coping skills to avoid pain, to numb my feelings…and any hope of balance is out the window!  I added that tool to my toolkit, and found myself years later with an even stronger set of coping skills.  This was all before I started to drink compulsively or use illegal drugs.

What I’m learning now is how to undo years of either unhealthy messages – or messages that THIS addict took hold of and used to serve his own unhealthy purposes.

First, I’m learning to admit I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t manage them – I can’t control them…nor should I.  Instead, I need to lean in them, live through them, and feel them. At times they may be intense. The changes I’m going through this week with my move, anticipating the first anniversary of being fired from my 19 year career because of my addiction, being reminded of the loss of a seven-year relationship – have all brought up intense feelings of sadness, grief, pain.  But, I’m learning that is NATURAL!  They won’t consume me.  I can live through them.  And I know that one day I will also live through similar intense feelings of joy, celebration, love, surprise.

This is live – on life’s terms.  And what an amazing gift.

So yes – feelings don’t have to run my life, because I am powerless over them.  BUT, I don’t have to RUN from feelings in my life!

“Pain is inevitable…misery is optional.”  Today, I choose to experience the pain, but also choose to seek peace and comfort amidst the pain.

That is growth.

For that, I’m thankful.