Tag: pain

The blabbering of an ex-Facebooker, thirsty for e-contact with the e-world…


I realize I haven’t blogged for about two weeks. And since I had earlier taken my Facebook page down due to some events and emotions, I really don’t have much “e-” contact, outside of the gay dating and chat sites. Not necessarily the best company to be keeping. And with my physical connections and friendships being closely cherished but not large in numbers…it can get a little spooky inside this carved pumpkin. Although I have been writing a lot offline, I think there are some nuggets worth sharing. Maybe not. So, perhaps a change coming… 1. get out again and enjoy nature on earth, and other human beings and 2. blog more consistently, along with photography and digital creations, as that outlet helps me work through life.

So quick update on last two weeks or so: adjusting to no online presence (Facebook) – really feeling out of touch, not belonging. Nothing has actually changed regarding the “actual” degrees of physical distance or emotional connection…but all of a sudden, the mind and heart starve for something that was there, in fact, just perhaps not being able to fulfill its promise….nonetheless, has value/role to play in our sense of community, of belonging. (Note: I do not have any financial or legal connections with Facebook…or whatever legal jargon should go hear to protect my sponsors. lol)

During those two weeks: listened as my nephew went off to college as a new dorm-bound freshman; bailed on an important ride/event; made decision to first close CHEC and then overrode with decision to keep pursuing some community work close to my heart; met with my care coordinator for our annual recertification (let’s analyze my navel and all actions surrounding it with 20 questions you should always be aware of, but only really consider during one of these conjugal visits…); found out our neighborhood block may be zoned and rebuilt, leaving me homeless at some point (really…not trying to make light of anyone’s plight – just my fear being reckless – I have and always will be taken care of; thought seriously about buying a home, whether for me or CHEC or both; decided I want to learn video remixing as a way to expand my creative outlet; lived through an Apple announcement and launch, setting goals to wait for both iPhone 6 and iWatch (less impulsive!); made huge progress on the basement cleanup program (hah!); interviewed for a part-time position; was reminded of a good friend, John Pickel (currently residing in WS, NC – looking after Maya’s spirit I’m sure with a little scotch and good cooking)…our antics together over the years, and his creative genius and humility; reconnected and re-disconnected with some souls, learning each time what we each bring and need in relation; decided on an online photo fulfillment service to let me take my photography and videography to the next level; learned a whole new vocal around acrobatics, including thai massage; experienced tactile energy and spirituality of being on a whole new level; lived through a milestone birthday for my sister, and what would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday; silently launched my new site (www.ctoddcreations.com); had friends hunt me down and go to lunch, and/or leave me with enough compassion and riddles to satisfy my emotional quotient and need for spiritual interaction at a deep soul level; lived through my dad’s loss of his “child” – a golden retriever…to an aggressive cancer that gave my dad the best last few weeks, but finally came to an end…and I feel is aloneness and yet know he is in a good place, grieving a valid loss in a healthy way; decided to go visit said dad before Thanksgiving just because… and maybe get to see my new nephew!…; dropped my motorcycle on me, doing minor damage to owner and bike – shoulder is biggest pain now, may need to go to clinic; took in another stray… and that’s about it.  I think.  Not much going on…

“The boy” (stray) has been awesome – having a non-sexual male friendship and interaction; his integrity has also rekindled my faith in other humans. But having another person here in my space is also bending my rule about monkeys in my circus, my sacred space. I thought I had learned that lesson, but not as fully as I needed…  This round, I realized that I’m putting them in a lose-lose situation living here with no financial means and no formal contract/commitment (e.g. CHEC, but not at home!)- and that’s not healthy or what I want. So it’s really got to be a hard boundary, particularly as I pursue the shaping of CHEC’s mission.  End of story.

Nonetheless, there is something healthy about interacting with another human being. Dogs are great companions, but not the replacement for human touch and intuition.

So there’s not much to add here other than:

1. Checkout www.CToddCreations.com – give me feedback on cost/quality, but I’m really excited about the product offerings!

2. Happy 50th Birthday to my sister. And light and love to my dad as he lives through the loss of his companion, Baloo.

3. I put together a portfolio of my videography creations – check them out on my homepage, but for now let me share the clip from this one event that really moved me…  I’ll try to convey some of the emotions in the experience through visual arts and storytelling.  I also leave two collages, celebrating Lisa’s 50 years of life and Baloo’s life as dad’s companion, and an amazing cover of an old time favorite from my generation (gosh, 40 IS the new 30!)

 .

The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC from CToddCreations on Vimeo.

Link to video “The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC

Personal Life Celebration Sample - Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample –              Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample - Baloo Life Collage
Personal Life Celebration Sample –                 Baloo Life Collage

Dead Poets Remember and Inspire


The movie Dead Poet’s Society came out during the summer between my junior and senior years at University of Michigan.  Formative years for me and for the young men in the movie. Impressionable – oh so impressionable.  1989.

 

And for that reason alone, has always been a favorite of mine…if not all time favorite.  And, I found myself watching it again recently, of course…

 

I remember connecting with Robert Sean Leonard’s character for many reasons.  For my struggles with homosexuality within The Word of God Community and UCO; for my perceptions of my father, so desperately wanting his approval and acceptance (when ironically it was always there, just not as vocal then as I wanted…); for my past years as a thespian, wondering what am I doing here as an engineer?  Oh so many connections. And for the struggles with rejection, depression and thoughts of suicide. These were the best of times, and the worst of times… 1989.

 

Then, full circle, Robin William’s untimely death due to his own depression comes at a juncture in my life where I’ve lost some focus and direction.  I’ve decided to close the Candlestick House chapter for now at least, and that has created a vacuum.  It’s been a tough month…

 

I’ve also had to face the grim realities of my feeble attempts to find and live in community, a concept so foreign and allusive to me.  (Thank for rubbing my face in that F.  Got the message…your ego landed that one, sans compassion or empathy.  But, I needed to hear it, so…I accept the gift in its brown wrapping!)

 

I run because it’s what I do best, and yet I’m running from the very fabric I so desperately want to feel covering and connecting me.

 

I want to turn the concept of “community” into a workshop or project, when in reality I simply need to focus on living it.  Each day. Simply.  Like a garden.

 

Very hard for me to fathom after 45 years of life patterns, social skills and addiction.

 

And I also find myself facing an almost insurmountable collection of affairs and boxes from my own down sizing in 2011, as well as the belongings from my mother’s estate which were set aside and stored for the transitional living house that never materialized.  And amidst those boxes, a firestorm of chaos left by a “monkey” I let into my circus, who robbed me and let my home become the pigpen of a somewhat demented soul while I was on vacation.

 

“Not my monkeys, not my circus” anymore…

 

And I’m not a victim in any of this.  These are all the result of choices I’ve made, situations I’ve put myself into… Being able to own a voice is so foreign to me, having let others be my voice or chart my path.  That’s one thing that Robin William’s character was clear on – carpė diem, but with it comes the responsibility of facing consequences and owning our decisions, even if it means facing others’ opposition or challenges, as I have, learning to find my stride…

 

So yes, August 2014 has been a tough month on many levels, only to live through Robin’s suicide as well.  (No disrespect to his family…)

 

His death took me back to a time when I was much younger, yet still struggling to find my own voice – and also reinforced this current dark chapter, where I struggle to find again a foundation, a stride, a verse to contribute.  Community – ‘a sense of belonging.’ What is that? So many changes.  So many ebbs and flows.  Some friendships morph.  Some relations come and go.  Some leave me wondering if I’ll ever be able to replace this loneliness with the comfort and daily presence of another “S.O.” in my life.

 

Life I guess.  And I still don’t always know how to live it on life’s terms…

 

Lines from a song I came across stand out for me:
“Sometimes I think I’m better off to turn out the lights and close up shop. And give up the longing, believing in belonging, just hold down my head and take the loss.” (from Learn My Lessons, Daughtry)

 

And don’t worry.  I’m not going to follow in Robin’s footsteps (just for today…).  It’s just where I’ve been and where I am. I needed to walk this path as I find my stride.

 

Learning another set of lessons from life itself.  Finding my voice.

 

What is going to be my verse?  (Thanks Apple! 🙂
On a more positive note, I came across this tribute to Robin.  Powerful.

 

 

And I found a quote from his son:
“I lost my father and a best friend and the world got a little grayer,” said Zak Williams. “I will carry his heart with me every day. I would ask those that loved him to remember him by being as gentle, kind and generous as he would be. Seek to bring joy to the world as he sought.”

 

And I discovered an amazing and emotive article that speaks to the reality of the situation…as another author puts it, “he didn’t die from apparent suicide. He died from depression.” The one author gives a voice to depression – the ‘D’ I have known, the ‘D’ Robin knew, and the ‘D’ I will inevitably face again.

 

Which comes first the chicken or the egg?  The using or the depression. (my story…now some from hers…)

 

But as [the doctor] went down a list of symptoms, they were all there — loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, waves of irrational anxiety, crying for no reason, loss of interest in work and hobbies, isolation and seclusion. I had nearly every one of them.

 

Still, I refused to let myself completely off the hook, and as I left her office, I set forth on a path of self-discovery to identify how my actions might’ve contributed to how I felt — a path that quickly brought up the ever-confusing chicken and egg game.

 

Did I isolate myself from my friends because I was depressed? Or did I become depressed because I isolated myself from my friends?

 

I was more hesitant than usual to keep what was going on to myself, telling only my family and those closest to me at the time what the doctor had said. Soon it became clear that I needed the support of more than a select few if I was going to get through this. Plus, it’s not like me not to share what’s going on in my life. And isolating myself, I suspected, was partly to blame for being in this situation in the first place. So, at the inappropriate places and the most inopportune times I could find, I began dropping the “D-bomb.”

 

And then as always, this glimmer of hope – this phrase that makes it all worth living through because of the truth that emerges:

 

“Everything is OK.
Maybe not today, but eventually.”

 

She framed it and hung it near her bed, where she sees it every day.  As will I.

 

Thank you for walking this journey with me. It’s for me of course. If you found something helpful here, thank our universe.  Pretty cool…

 

Some wisdom from the movie script…
“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

 

“Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”

 

“Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, [imitating a goat] “that’s baaaaad.”

 

“Thank you, boys. Thank you.”

 

And on an unrelated but upbeat note, I’ll close with Mr. Rogers:
And because it’s such an amazing, creative piece of work:

My “shower revelation” on why our current gay civil rights debate is so different from others…


As I’ve picketed 111Cakery, and after the national debate on gay marriage…it’s puzzled me why this is so challenging, and why it becomes so “religious.”  This came to a head when I read the following article online (and the ensuing online chatter).

http://www.wthr.com/story/25211087/hearing-set-for-thursday-in-case-on-indiana-gay-marriage-ban#.U1Zn3mY6oLg.facebook

Because I am spiritual, I penned the following reaction…perhaps this is God / the Universe at work…

Sad that it takes a dying woman’s wish that her surviving partner is simply treated fairly and equally under the laws of our country.

Perhaps God works in mysterious ways to bring about social justice and civil rights when He sees that our Country and State aren’t “getting this” like we did civil rights for Blacks and Women.

But, I’m still left pondering…why so religious?  (Remembering again, not everyone is Christian, spiritual, nor religious…and that freedom is just as precious as the freedom to believe!)

Not having lived through the Black Civil Rights movement, or the Women’s movement, I can’t imagine there was as much religious justification of the injustices and inequality.  Of course, some use the Bible to justify “putting women down” in a second class state of submission to the man’s role in family, but generally speaking, I don’t see anything in the Bible talking about White supremacy.  Yes, somehow I imagine someone used it to justify slavery…but I doubt anyone today would go there.

So why does this “gay rights” debate go so quickly to the Bible…(particularly when not EVERYONE in America is Christian!  Religious freedom does still exist…)

Then in dawned on me…of course!

With the Black Civil Rights movement, we were talking about basic human equality and social justice.  Putting an entire group of people at the back of the bus, or using different water fountains just because of their race is pretty easy to rally against.  Granted, there was lot more going on than these trite examples.  Blacks were being hanged, beaten to death and so on…again, pretty easy for “the good Christian” American to eventually come to terms with this not being right.  Hence, the Black Civil Rights and social justice was much more about basic human equality.

With the Women’s movement, I imagine we’re seeing much of the same.  Particularly after WWII, when women demonstrated they were just as capable at running companies than their male counterparts, we as a country finally started to see women as equal to men.  Meaningful careers, equal wages and “the glass ceiling” were the big battles here (over simplifying).  And while some still cling to a Christian worldview that the man is the head of the household, and more capable, that is again not an argument that many would cling to.  So, seems like the fight for equality for women is also much around basic human equality.

So, now we arrive at Gay Civil Rights and Social Justice.  There’s no wage / labor inequality here.   There’s no argument that gays are  “less human.”  Instead, we arrive very quickly at love and marriage…in other words, this is uniquely about the “family unit” and the definition of “couples.”  And, here, the argument quickly becomes religious in a unique way that is, sadly, very easy to justify with Bible verses.

Unfortunately, this puts this particular Civil Right debate in a unique position of pitting one “protection” (religious freedom) against another (the right to marry, and equal rights when it comes to matters of hospital visitation, rights of survivorship, etc.)  Setting aside again that the entire country is not Christian, I believe this is the crux of why this argument has, and may always be, more challenging for our nation to face.  It’s inherently more “religiously based” than any civil rights movement prior…

Today, there is a large Christian majority, which I do not believe would have fought so vocally against equal rights for Blacks or Women. But, they will clearly use the Bible to justify their argument because the (fallible) words are there.

This throws our Constitution into a new and unique position of finding a creative way to value both sides of the argument…allowing (some) Christians to hold to their “religious belief” that being an “active” homosexual is a sin — and having that belief respected, perhaps, in ways that conflict with the second half of the debate — finding the equality necessary based on sexual orientation for the “rest of us.”

So, this doesn’t mean the Christian Right are wrong, and we must “change their views.”  (Again, remember not everyone is even Christian, nor do all Christians believe in the infallibility of the Bible…)  Nor does it mean that we must give up on gay marriage, and submit to some “sterilized” version of the word like “domestic partnership” or “civil union” to placate to the Christian Right.  Instead, we must agree to disagree – and allow both Truths to co-exist.  On one hand, a group of Americans will believe that gay marriage is against their religious beliefs – and they will never be “inspired to make a cake” for such a celebration of human love and commitment.  And, on the other hand, another group of Americans must be able to celebrate their own spirituality and religious beliefs (or lack thereof), and find joy in the celebration and commitment of gay marriage…and equality in the legal and financial benefits (and costs) therein.

So…this is gonna be TOUGH!

And that, is my percolation and revelation on why this is SO much more complex and difficult…and why it’s still equally worth fighting for.