Tag: humility

Clean 2-8-14 #knowyourstatus REALLY?


20 years later…
What have we learned about science and hate?

Clean 2-8-14  #knowyourstatus

Want me to get scientific [on you]…and explain why having HIV is dirty?

I can fully explain it to you.  Chemistry and biology.

It’s a bacteria infection.  Which is not clean.

Your being mad at the world…is not gonna get rid of your HIV brother.  I promise that.

This is an online profile and part of a text conversation with a 21-year-old tonight in the early to mid 2010’s.

AIDS is God’s judgement on homosexuals.

This was from a phone conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990’s.  She had a master’s in microbiology.

I’m not sure which scares – or hurts – me the most.  Judgement and hate from my flesh and blood family, or judgement and hate from my family of choice.

At least my mother grew in her understanding and compassion over the years — along with the scientific understanding of this very manageable health condition.  When I eventually contracted the HIV virus in 2012, she no longer spoke in such an uneducated way.

I only wish this “SomeHotDude” from the millennial generation  learns some things about health, compassion and acceptance.

Anger, sadness and fear…oh my!

Am I mad “at the world?”  I’m mad at a choice I made to relapse in December 2011, which put me in a situation where I had unsafe sex in a careless way that showed little self-respect.  It’s a choice I made to use, and from there…my addiction wanted me dead.  So yes, I’m mad at myself and my addiction.

Am I mad and saddened and hurt by my dead grandfather, who 20+ years later I find out wrote me out of his will because I’m gay?  Yes, I’m mad at his narrow-minded bigotry that excluded me simply because of whom I love.

Am I mad at this cocky 21-year-old who verbalizes things I thought about people with HIV/AIDS for 20+ years, because of my own fear, prejudice and insecurity?  Yes, I’m mad and sad at seeing myself in him, mad at him for openly expressing his prejudice while I at least had the maturity along the way of keeping my fears and insecurities to myself.

Are the decisions or actions we’ve both made any different?  No.

Am I frustrated that our society continues to marginalize, label and push people who are different down into the gutter — whether it be based on race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, health condition, age or some other “class” we use to describe one another — rather than seeing one another as human beings?  Yes.

And let’s be clear – I’m part of that society, and have some of those same prejudices, so I hope this doesn’t come across as self-righteous.  I’m human, not perfect…just trying to learn and grow with what life experiences I have.

The question is: while we all may have these thoughts, do we let them influence our actions?  Or do we instead ignore the “pre-judement based on a stereotype, label or generalization” and choose acceptance, compassion, understanding?   Do we look past the societal labels, and seek to get to know the person in front of us?  In front of me…

Am I curious about that person, who they are and what they believe?   Do I think critically about the information I’m presented as I listen?  Do I show compassion, even in the face of fear, differences, insecurities?

It’s not always easy…believe me!  But that’s how I aspire to live, at the age of 45.  I only wish I knew at 21 what I now understand more fully…

Clean 2-8-14  #knowyourstatus

So yes, it scares and saddens me that this 21 year old is growing up comfortable about being gay, but judging people in our own community because he is afraid.

So my responses to his blindness were:

Clean 3-17-14, HIV+ March 2012

What does cleanliness have to do with status?  HIV status has nothing to do with being clean or dirty.

Do you like it when gay people are all labeled as perverts?  Then why would it be acceptable to label all HIV+ people as dirty [because people who are HIV- are instead clean]?

Perversion has nothing do with sexual orientation, just like cleanliness has nothing to do with viral status.

So yes, I’m clean and HIV+ — as if those two “labels” are really the antithesis of each other.  (I’ve been on medication since I was first diagnosed, and my viral load has been undetectable since January 2013)

One has to do with bathing habits, or language usage (for fuck’s sake…), or perhaps how tidy one keeps one’s house.  The other is a manageable health condition.  Two very different concepts.

This isn’t the 1980’s folks…get educated.  (Or for any millennials reading this, it’s not the 90’s. )

I hope this 21 year old never contracts the HIV virus and has to eat his own words…like I’ve had to re-evaluate my thoughts and beliefs…or like my mom had to re-evaluate her religion.

Save Yourself


So I took some flack on my recent post, “Hosting a Pastry Chef: A Silver Lining from my Past.”  A mutual acquaintance of C. contacted me…and quite bluntly, I don’t trust him, or his motives.  C. had even told me in one of our last conversations before he violated his probation and went back to prison, “If he contacts you, just ignore him.  I’m sorry he’s bothering you.”

Well this individual thought my post wasn’t honest in fully disclosing all the details and specifics about my using, and that I was judging C.’s recovery/sobriety.

First, the irony of the two statements was lost on him.  He thought I was judging C’s recovery, and yet then…he turned around and “judged” my recovery.  Enough said.  I have only my HP to answer to.

Second, it was not my intention to make it sound like I was better than C., or less than.  We both are recovering addicts.  Relapse is part of my story.  The bottom line is we only have today.  And that’s enough.  Full stop.  So, if it came across to others as if I was judgmental, let me be clear:  I’m human, C’s human.  I’m not perfect, nor is anyone.  I don’t consider my recovery better (or worse) than anyone’s.  The only standard I have is my own, and I only have today to worry about.  Full stop.

Third, while at this time, I choose not to have this person (or others from my past…) around because of the risk that I will use again, or allow myself to be taken advantage of…that doesn’t mean these guys are bad people, or beyond hope of change.  So the door is always open to reconnection in the future, if I feel that the risk has reached a reasonable point – and that I’m more confident in my recovery and choices.  So, if C. or any others ever read this and wonder “is the door closed?”  — absolutely not.  (Now, I may not choose to let you stay here in the future, based on my experience and self-awareness of what I’m able to handle.  But, that doesn’t mean a friendship is out of line, or that I don’t care and want the best for you.  But, my trust must be earned back through actions…)

Lastly, my post was completely honest.  There was nothing false in any of my statements.  Having said that, I don’t necessarily have to disclose every detail, every timeframe, every nuance for a story to be “truthful.”  There are aspects that are private, that are relevant in other situations or audiences, and again: see the earlier comments.  I have one to answer to: my HP; I do not compare or contrast my recovery to other’s.  It’s not better or worse.  I tried to stay focused on facts, and lessons that I took away from the experience – including especially (his gifts, passions, and things I learned from him.  But the facts also included lies, deception and being taking advantage of (which clearly means that I let myself be taken advantage of).  As my mom always said, “it takes two to pick a fight.”  So, I’m neither blameless, innocent or perfect.  But, this was my story – my insights.  As a friend one shares:

“All of my stories are true, and some of them actually happened.”

The real lesson in these stories (as I share more…) is that I can only save myself.  The Serenity Prayer reminds me:

“grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (usually other people, places, things…), the courage to change the things I can (me, my actions, my beliefs), and the wisdom to know the difference.”

As I love music and see certain songs as gifts from the Universe to guide me and remind me of experiences, or Truths, let me close with a clip from my friend (!) Garrison Keillor and Suzy Bogguss, a frequent guest on his radio show (and many of her songs have touched and moved me…hmmm).  This goes for C., M., J., G., and others who I’ve tried “to save…”

Hosting a pastry chef: a silver lining from my past


There’s the expression, “if life gives you lemons…”  Well, sometimes the decisions I have made in my past while using drugs or trying to save others in early recovery were more akin to inviting lemons into my house to stay for a while.  And to be accurate, I have at times been under the illusion of doing the latter (saving) while  stuck in the trap of the former (using).  Self-deception is the one of the most dangerous places for this (or any) addict to be…

Let’s just say – I’ve learned my lesson and will not be extending an invitation to “friends” to crash here, recover here, or anything remotely similar.  This needs to be my safe haven, and so far, my ability to help others in my home have been disastrous.

Having said that, I’ve often said “If ever I were to write a book…”  Well, why not share some stories here?!  Because after all, these weren’t bad people…just people making bad choices.  They, like any of us, do have gifts to offer the world.  And in many cases, I’ve learned something from them. As an empath, I’m often been able to see something worth saving, even when they can’t see it for themselves. [Likewise, of course, I can’t see it in myself at times…especially during my own using days.] I’ve often thought – if the world could just see and celebrate your “name his gift,” or “name his passion” or “name his talent”  — there might be hope for them to turn around.  [And in my own dark days…if I could see the same in myself, hope for me to stay true to my path.]

So, here is my…
Silver Lining Series – Story #1.  The Pastry Chef.

When I first met C., he struck me as confident, mature and a “winner” as they say in the rooms…someone who would make it. So years later, when he got out of prison and sought my help in finding support, a healthy living environment, and resources to get back on his feet, I shared as much current information from my network as I could. He seemed to take to it, doing the legwork to connect, get into “rehab,” and find work. As I talked with him, I discovered he was an experienced pastry chef…a baker…and that struck a chord with me. I could see his interest in getting back into that work, in perhaps even starting his own business. The future seemed promising…

C. needed some transitional living (days…) to wait out his intake for a local treatment facility and extended halfway house/program. I invited him I to my home. During his brief time, he and I shared time baking…and he taught me things about quick breads, the “chemistry” behind some baking techniques, and the value,of weighing vs measuring (European vs. American style recipes :). We even took one of my moms ‘s “mainstay” recipes – Banana Bread – and experimented with approaches, ingredients, and technique…literally “benchmarking” my normal way of making it with his “training.” And let me tell you…there IS a marked difference. Hands down, his baseline was better tasting and especially better looking. And then he built on that – adjusted some ingredients, like the sugars, and added a touch of spice…and transformed the recipe to yet another level. Amazing. So I now have a new and improved version on mom’s recipe…a gift from his time and his passion.

For that experience and that gift, I’m grateful…

I hope he makes it. I wish I now had more confidence than hope…as my one boss used to say, hope is not a strategy. Setting aside the spiritual gap in that thinking, there are dark clouds on the horizon…the lemonade is at risk of being spoiled…

I also learned that coupled with his outward confidence and “get go” came compulsive lying, manipulation, and a lack of authenticity. Those are challenging bad traits for anyone to have, but for an addict…they can be deadly. He took advantage of me while also sharing his gifts…and in the end, our friendship crumbled. He was recently re-arrested on violation of his parole, and his back in jail/prison.

Still – he’s not a bad person.  He’s not a liar or manipulator…those are labels I try to avoid (just like “good” or “bad.) Again, he’s just a man making bad choices – and I’ve been there, done that.  It doesn’t make us good or bad people.  But, his behaviors weren’t consistent with his words — and I value honesty and truthfulness in my friendships.

Like many home comers, he’s likely influenced by the “system” and the old habits and people he clung to.  Again, I’ve struggled at times with the same battles…  I’m not judging or condemning him.  In contrast, I’m really trying to celebrate and shine a light on his talents, his passions, and the growth and learning I gained from our time together.  But, he was here for a reason or a season…for now, that season is on pause…hopeful and optimistic pause, but pause nonetheless.

I hope he does make it…because he has much to offer the world. Like we each do…no matter how dark the clouds can get, they should never let us be fooled into believing otherwise.

But I am also reminded of the words of my first sponsor. “Most of us won’t make it.” Many of us won’t?! “No, most of us…”

Here’s to you C. May you find yourself before it’s too late…before this ugly disease takes you out. You’re worth it.