Tag: humility

The blabbering of an ex-Facebooker, thirsty for e-contact with the e-world…


I realize I haven’t blogged for about two weeks. And since I had earlier taken my Facebook page down due to some events and emotions, I really don’t have much “e-” contact, outside of the gay dating and chat sites. Not necessarily the best company to be keeping. And with my physical connections and friendships being closely cherished but not large in numbers…it can get a little spooky inside this carved pumpkin. Although I have been writing a lot offline, I think there are some nuggets worth sharing. Maybe not. So, perhaps a change coming… 1. get out again and enjoy nature on earth, and other human beings and 2. blog more consistently, along with photography and digital creations, as that outlet helps me work through life.

So quick update on last two weeks or so: adjusting to no online presence (Facebook) – really feeling out of touch, not belonging. Nothing has actually changed regarding the “actual” degrees of physical distance or emotional connection…but all of a sudden, the mind and heart starve for something that was there, in fact, just perhaps not being able to fulfill its promise….nonetheless, has value/role to play in our sense of community, of belonging. (Note: I do not have any financial or legal connections with Facebook…or whatever legal jargon should go hear to protect my sponsors. lol)

During those two weeks: listened as my nephew went off to college as a new dorm-bound freshman; bailed on an important ride/event; made decision to first close CHEC and then overrode with decision to keep pursuing some community work close to my heart; met with my care coordinator for our annual recertification (let’s analyze my navel and all actions surrounding it with 20 questions you should always be aware of, but only really consider during one of these conjugal visits…); found out our neighborhood block may be zoned and rebuilt, leaving me homeless at some point (really…not trying to make light of anyone’s plight – just my fear being reckless – I have and always will be taken care of; thought seriously about buying a home, whether for me or CHEC or both; decided I want to learn video remixing as a way to expand my creative outlet; lived through an Apple announcement and launch, setting goals to wait for both iPhone 6 and iWatch (less impulsive!); made huge progress on the basement cleanup program (hah!); interviewed for a part-time position; was reminded of a good friend, John Pickel (currently residing in WS, NC – looking after Maya’s spirit I’m sure with a little scotch and good cooking)…our antics together over the years, and his creative genius and humility; reconnected and re-disconnected with some souls, learning each time what we each bring and need in relation; decided on an online photo fulfillment service to let me take my photography and videography to the next level; learned a whole new vocal around acrobatics, including thai massage; experienced tactile energy and spirituality of being on a whole new level; lived through a milestone birthday for my sister, and what would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday; silently launched my new site (www.ctoddcreations.com); had friends hunt me down and go to lunch, and/or leave me with enough compassion and riddles to satisfy my emotional quotient and need for spiritual interaction at a deep soul level; lived through my dad’s loss of his “child” – a golden retriever…to an aggressive cancer that gave my dad the best last few weeks, but finally came to an end…and I feel is aloneness and yet know he is in a good place, grieving a valid loss in a healthy way; decided to go visit said dad before Thanksgiving just because… and maybe get to see my new nephew!…; dropped my motorcycle on me, doing minor damage to owner and bike – shoulder is biggest pain now, may need to go to clinic; took in another stray… and that’s about it.  I think.  Not much going on…

“The boy” (stray) has been awesome – having a non-sexual male friendship and interaction; his integrity has also rekindled my faith in other humans. But having another person here in my space is also bending my rule about monkeys in my circus, my sacred space. I thought I had learned that lesson, but not as fully as I needed…  This round, I realized that I’m putting them in a lose-lose situation living here with no financial means and no formal contract/commitment (e.g. CHEC, but not at home!)- and that’s not healthy or what I want. So it’s really got to be a hard boundary, particularly as I pursue the shaping of CHEC’s mission.  End of story.

Nonetheless, there is something healthy about interacting with another human being. Dogs are great companions, but not the replacement for human touch and intuition.

So there’s not much to add here other than:

1. Checkout www.CToddCreations.com – give me feedback on cost/quality, but I’m really excited about the product offerings!

2. Happy 50th Birthday to my sister. And light and love to my dad as he lives through the loss of his companion, Baloo.

3. I put together a portfolio of my videography creations – check them out on my homepage, but for now let me share the clip from this one event that really moved me…  I’ll try to convey some of the emotions in the experience through visual arts and storytelling.  I also leave two collages, celebrating Lisa’s 50 years of life and Baloo’s life as dad’s companion, and an amazing cover of an old time favorite from my generation (gosh, 40 IS the new 30!)

 .

The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC from CToddCreations on Vimeo.

Link to video “The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC

Personal Life Celebration Sample - Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample –              Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample - Baloo Life Collage
Personal Life Celebration Sample –                 Baloo Life Collage

Dead Poets Remember and Inspire


The movie Dead Poet’s Society came out during the summer between my junior and senior years at University of Michigan.  Formative years for me and for the young men in the movie. Impressionable – oh so impressionable.  1989.

 

And for that reason alone, has always been a favorite of mine…if not all time favorite.  And, I found myself watching it again recently, of course…

 

I remember connecting with Robert Sean Leonard’s character for many reasons.  For my struggles with homosexuality within The Word of God Community and UCO; for my perceptions of my father, so desperately wanting his approval and acceptance (when ironically it was always there, just not as vocal then as I wanted…); for my past years as a thespian, wondering what am I doing here as an engineer?  Oh so many connections. And for the struggles with rejection, depression and thoughts of suicide. These were the best of times, and the worst of times… 1989.

 

Then, full circle, Robin William’s untimely death due to his own depression comes at a juncture in my life where I’ve lost some focus and direction.  I’ve decided to close the Candlestick House chapter for now at least, and that has created a vacuum.  It’s been a tough month…

 

I’ve also had to face the grim realities of my feeble attempts to find and live in community, a concept so foreign and allusive to me.  (Thank for rubbing my face in that F.  Got the message…your ego landed that one, sans compassion or empathy.  But, I needed to hear it, so…I accept the gift in its brown wrapping!)

 

I run because it’s what I do best, and yet I’m running from the very fabric I so desperately want to feel covering and connecting me.

 

I want to turn the concept of “community” into a workshop or project, when in reality I simply need to focus on living it.  Each day. Simply.  Like a garden.

 

Very hard for me to fathom after 45 years of life patterns, social skills and addiction.

 

And I also find myself facing an almost insurmountable collection of affairs and boxes from my own down sizing in 2011, as well as the belongings from my mother’s estate which were set aside and stored for the transitional living house that never materialized.  And amidst those boxes, a firestorm of chaos left by a “monkey” I let into my circus, who robbed me and let my home become the pigpen of a somewhat demented soul while I was on vacation.

 

“Not my monkeys, not my circus” anymore…

 

And I’m not a victim in any of this.  These are all the result of choices I’ve made, situations I’ve put myself into… Being able to own a voice is so foreign to me, having let others be my voice or chart my path.  That’s one thing that Robin William’s character was clear on – carpė diem, but with it comes the responsibility of facing consequences and owning our decisions, even if it means facing others’ opposition or challenges, as I have, learning to find my stride…

 

So yes, August 2014 has been a tough month on many levels, only to live through Robin’s suicide as well.  (No disrespect to his family…)

 

His death took me back to a time when I was much younger, yet still struggling to find my own voice – and also reinforced this current dark chapter, where I struggle to find again a foundation, a stride, a verse to contribute.  Community – ‘a sense of belonging.’ What is that? So many changes.  So many ebbs and flows.  Some friendships morph.  Some relations come and go.  Some leave me wondering if I’ll ever be able to replace this loneliness with the comfort and daily presence of another “S.O.” in my life.

 

Life I guess.  And I still don’t always know how to live it on life’s terms…

 

Lines from a song I came across stand out for me:
“Sometimes I think I’m better off to turn out the lights and close up shop. And give up the longing, believing in belonging, just hold down my head and take the loss.” (from Learn My Lessons, Daughtry)

 

And don’t worry.  I’m not going to follow in Robin’s footsteps (just for today…).  It’s just where I’ve been and where I am. I needed to walk this path as I find my stride.

 

Learning another set of lessons from life itself.  Finding my voice.

 

What is going to be my verse?  (Thanks Apple! 🙂
On a more positive note, I came across this tribute to Robin.  Powerful.

 

 

And I found a quote from his son:
“I lost my father and a best friend and the world got a little grayer,” said Zak Williams. “I will carry his heart with me every day. I would ask those that loved him to remember him by being as gentle, kind and generous as he would be. Seek to bring joy to the world as he sought.”

 

And I discovered an amazing and emotive article that speaks to the reality of the situation…as another author puts it, “he didn’t die from apparent suicide. He died from depression.” The one author gives a voice to depression – the ‘D’ I have known, the ‘D’ Robin knew, and the ‘D’ I will inevitably face again.

 

Which comes first the chicken or the egg?  The using or the depression. (my story…now some from hers…)

 

But as [the doctor] went down a list of symptoms, they were all there — loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, waves of irrational anxiety, crying for no reason, loss of interest in work and hobbies, isolation and seclusion. I had nearly every one of them.

 

Still, I refused to let myself completely off the hook, and as I left her office, I set forth on a path of self-discovery to identify how my actions might’ve contributed to how I felt — a path that quickly brought up the ever-confusing chicken and egg game.

 

Did I isolate myself from my friends because I was depressed? Or did I become depressed because I isolated myself from my friends?

 

I was more hesitant than usual to keep what was going on to myself, telling only my family and those closest to me at the time what the doctor had said. Soon it became clear that I needed the support of more than a select few if I was going to get through this. Plus, it’s not like me not to share what’s going on in my life. And isolating myself, I suspected, was partly to blame for being in this situation in the first place. So, at the inappropriate places and the most inopportune times I could find, I began dropping the “D-bomb.”

 

And then as always, this glimmer of hope – this phrase that makes it all worth living through because of the truth that emerges:

 

“Everything is OK.
Maybe not today, but eventually.”

 

She framed it and hung it near her bed, where she sees it every day.  As will I.

 

Thank you for walking this journey with me. It’s for me of course. If you found something helpful here, thank our universe.  Pretty cool…

 

Some wisdom from the movie script…
“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

 

“Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”

 

“Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, [imitating a goat] “that’s baaaaad.”

 

“Thank you, boys. Thank you.”

 

And on an unrelated but upbeat note, I’ll close with Mr. Rogers:
And because it’s such an amazing, creative piece of work:

A lesson in humility…and in being consistent. Got it…


As I gear up to hit the streets again tomorrow in protest of the local bakery, I wanted to write about some challenging “online chatter” I received after the last Friday we were out picketing.  It was a lesson in humility, practicing what you preach and being consistent.

As I was getting ready last time, I knew I’d have some extra folks joining us – so I made some more signs.  I also saw a friend’s re-rendering of the bakery’s logo, from “111Cakery” to “111Hatery.”  I thought it was catchy, and decided to use it in some of the new posters.  I created a couple new phrases on the fly, and they were “influenced” by this logo remake.

Straying from my own intentions...a gentle lesson in compassion.
Straying from my own intentions…a gentle lesson in compassion.

And that’s where I honestly strayed from my own wishes to keep this “peaceful, compassionate and considerate.”  Gulp…eating humble pie.

Since this was the second week, news about the bakery’s actions had spread a little more with time and some press coverage.  There were clearly more folks on the road who knew the situation, and many chose to show support by honking.  I also had three guys join me which was AWESOME – it made the time past faster and helped show even more “presence.” (Thanks Ryan, JB and Mike!)

When I shared some pictures from the day on Facebook, two friends gently pushed back a little at the “hate” language I was using.  And I have to admit…they were right in doing so.

How does doing something like this make us any better or more right than they are? We don’t like it when they do this to us and yet we are the first ones to turn it around. Just asking?

It seems name calling and stooping to “their” level. I respect what you are doing, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t care for the wording on the posters.

There’s a fine line I guess between having fun, being “catchy”…and falling into the trap of “not being nice.”  Heck, in my OWN “rules for picketing peacefully and lawfully” I had asked people to:

5. When in doubt take the higher ground.
6. Be kind – do not yell anything that would make your grandmother blush
7. Have fun – this is America, and we are all human beings. We are not the enemy, nor is anyone else. Keep it civil

So, I’m here to say that I’m human…I’m surrounded by people who care enough about this being a “peaceful and civil” stand…and I strayed from where I had wanted this to be.

Side note: I’m REALLY truing to avoid words like right and wrong, good or bad…in the spirit of non-violent (or compassionate) communication.  I don’t want any of this to sound judgmental… either of the “logo spoof” or of my own efforts.   I simply want to compare MY actions to MY intentions and needs…that’s all I have control over.  And when I do…with the help of these friends…there was an inconsistency.

SO – thank you to Jack F. and Mike B. for having the integrity and courage to call me out…I REALLY appreciated it (and said so on Facebook).  But, I just wanted to share my learning here…

Now…enough with the personal flogging!  Back to HAVING FUN and SPIRITUAL GROWTH!

I’ll close with the Universe’s gift to my journey…(funny how things come just when they are needed…).  This video from HoneyMaid is going viral this week…another good reminder!

So with it, I’ll go back to re-making some signs for tomorrow…and I’ll remember NOH8…just PEACE and LOVE.  And where there is hate or negativity…avoid the trap, and turn it into something else…St. Francis had it right in his prayer. 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtJeI4Q9nBE