Tag: hope

Shifting themes: grief to self-worth


A couple of years ago, I had a therapist who helped me understand some truths about myself on a deeper level.  Being a more right brained thinker, I’ve known for awhile the need to grow in my ability to feel feelings…not just analyze situations.  He talked about integrating the heart and the mind, so that both feelings and thoughts were equally present.  He also gave me some tools for identifying and responding/reacting to feelings.  And while I’m confident that this will be a continual struggle, I believe I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools, and I’m spending some time feeling, being fully present, being aware…

In that “life theme,” he also helped me see my need to grieve.  He said I’d be entering a period of grieving…  and jokingly, I still wonder “when will it ever end?”  Since then, in addition to ending a 7 year relationship, being fired from a 19 year career, and losing a style of living that went with that career, I’ve faced the loss of my mom and grandmother as well as several close friends.  Call it the journey of entering my 40’s.  I’ve also done some deeper work on realizing and grieving losses from my childhood that have hung over my head and heart, keeping me stuck in patterns that weren’t healthy or aligned where I wanted to be.  And again, while I believe grief is a feeling or process that is with me for the long haul, and I will probably uncover things I still need to grieve, or situations I need to grieve on a deeper level, I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools to understand and feel grief and loss, and I’m spending some time accepting those losses and moving on…

So while I hesitate to say I’m done with learning how to feel or how to grieve, I’m in a 3 month sabbatical period, and I believe I was enlightened today and this week with the “theme” of this sabbatical — which like other topics, will probably extend beyond the remaining two months.  But two close friends and a devotional reading highlighted the same theme for me – so in my world, three data points make a trend, and I should listen!  The concept:  self worth.

At the heart of me sexual addiction (which played out in a nasty way last month…), and my competitive nature which drives me to overachieve and my depression is this feeling of low self-worth.  It plagues me, and has for much of life – despite many “successes” and external praise.  I hear what others say about me, and discount it…unable to love myself (at times) for just who I am…a beloved child of God.  The devotional today talks about our “inner door” — how nobody can go through the inner door with us, and until we sufficiently “walk through” the issue or issues that face us in life, we will continually return to them — face them head on — bang our head — and wonder why we are going crazy.  For me, I believe it’s self-worth.  

When my counselor told me about grief, my immediate question was “Ok, so how do I grieve?”  He laughed, and said that was the wrong question.  In fact, there wasn’t a question to be asked.  I just needed to let go, and allow my body and mind and Higher Power show my the path I needed to follow.   I believe much of what I faced in the following years were part of that path of enlightenment…

So, as I face this question of “how do I learn to love myself?” – I want to get answers from the world out there (your comments), or read books or somehow find the fix.  But, I’m reminded that this is my inner door — my path of enlightenment.  And while others can help me along the way and shine light on the path, the only answer that is true and authentic is the one that I find for Todd.  So, for now, I will “anoint” this remaining two months of time to explore the journey of self-worth, of loving and accepting self…

Butterflies and peppercorns…


Remembering mom's love of fresh peppercorns...
Remembering mom’s love of fresh peppercorns…

At church today, we talked about how symbols, signs and stories remind us of people and places in our past.  Sometimes the simplest image, smell or sound can bring back a flood of memories and stories…sometimes these are good recollections, and occasionally they haunt us by reminding us of something in the past.

Roses and Peppercorns
Roses and Peppercorns

 

 

 

For some odd reason, my mom had a great personal passion for fresh peppercorns. She would acquire these on her many trips around the world, bringing them home for her use.  However, this generally meant they went in the freezer for years to come – of course, in my mind, defeating the point of freshness.  Nonetheless, one of the distinctly fond and funny memories from last year, after my mom’s sudden death, was going through her house and finding all of her blessed peppercorns.  They were so much a part of her story that as kids, we kept some red ones aside…and when it came to laying her to rest, sprinkled them on her casket, along with the fresh red roses that the group of mourners had left.

It was our personal touch, a way to remember her passion, her uniqueness, her quirkiness.  I have a mason jar full of some of her black peppercorns in my kitchen today – not to be used, but to remember her story, to have her present in the kitchen, to honor her life in a small, unique way.

 

Likewise, I found out that week after her passing that she and I shared a love of butterflies.  For me, butterflies were a part of my recovery story – they signified transformation.  One of my dark, lonely Sundays in Greenfield in the height of my addiction, I remember looking out the window and seeing a butterfly near the window, on one of the Hosta plants.  For me, it was a symbol – in that moment, I remember thinking “it’s all going to be ok.  My Higher Power is looking out for me.”

So years later, to know that I shared this passion for butterflies with my mom gave me a connection I never had while she was alive.  She had this amazing blouse/jacket in her collection of clothes, with embroidered butterflies.  It was classy, bright and colorful – just the way I wanted to remember my mom.  I actually have the jacket now, and wear it on special occasions like Mother’s Day, and her birthday…  And, when I had my first tattoo designed, I had the tattoo artist use some of the images and shapes from her jacket as inspiration for the butterfly on my forearm, entertained with the Jerusalem cross that mom wore so proudly…and I now have in my possession as well to remember her by.

Butterfly Jacket
Butterfly Jacket
Butterflies and mom's Jerusalem cross...
Butterflies and mom’s Jerusalem cross…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By no means do these items replace the person, or represent the fullness of their life story.  But, they are gateways to their stories, reminders of their ongoing presence in our lives, as Angels watching over us.

So thank you for helping me celebrate the life legacy of Carol S. Wyman – her love of family, travel, people and nature.  She was far from perfect…so I don’t mean to idolize her blindly.  But, she will always be my mom…and I will always be her little boy.

I love you mom.

Asset Based View of the 12 Steps


A friend of mine took to pen and recreated the 12 steps, from an asset based perspective.  For 2014, this is how I will focus on my recovery…and even then, I’m spending three months not focusing on recovery, or addiction…but on my own gifts, talents, passions, creative juices…  It’s a study in a change of focus.   For when we look at problems, we find problems.  When we look at needs, we find needs.  But when we look at abundance, we see plenty.

 

• Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – our addiction was muting our own uniqe gifts and talents

• Step 2 – Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves needed us to fully use our gifts and talents in this world

• Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

• Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and all we have to offer

• Step 5 – Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being all of the gifts, talents, and dreams that we have forgetten

• Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have God begin to share all of our gifts and talents with others

• Step 7 – Humbly asked God to constantly encourage us in our dreams

• Step 8 – Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

• Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

• Step 10 – Continued to take personal inventory of our gifts and talents and when we were holding back promptly admitted it

• Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out

• Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs