Tag: hope

Lessons from my youth: Starlight Express


Earlier this month, I shared about wanting to shift some energy and focus to this question of self-worth, moving on from a period of grief and feeling some loss in my life.

A friend of mine were talking about some of our life experiences, particularly around relationships.  And the question we put to ourselves centered around some of the choices we’ve both made – relationships or benefits that we’ve “settled for.”  On one hand I know that I want (and deserve) better.  But, on more than one occasion, I’ve found myself in a situation where I was some how lowering my expectations, accepting a connection with someone that wasn’t meeting some of my fundamental needs or aligning with some of my core beliefs for life.  So, it begged the question, “why don’t I believe that I deserve better?”  “How do I learn to love myself?”

With the help of some other conversations, I’m beginning to see things more clearly – re-learning some lessons or insights from my past, coupled with some new understanding…but clearly, things I haven’t internalize enough to “change my inner voice” or belief system.

I crave external validation.  I’ve sought it through work or career, through relationships (will he love me enough…), input or complements from other people, drugs and sex…and the list goes on and on.  It even includes religion, spiritual groups, recovery groups, etc.  And each time, I end up being let down, unfulfilled.

If I expect or rely on what other people think of me, then I will be disappointed.  First, I’m not likely to get enough feedback to keep my centered, confident, connected…  Second, I run the risk of overreacting when someone’s opinion or thoughts of me are negative or harmful…  And for this recovering gay addict – which brings enough baggage and self-identity issues/risks as it is – that can be dangerous.  Life has proven that through relapse and behavior that has put my life and health at risk.

The natural conclusion from this (he says like it’s easy or second nature…not!) is: find my own inner strength.  That doesn’t mean isolate or disconnect from others.  We are social beings – we are meant to be in relationship, connection with others.  And, that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage or long-term romantic relationships.  We’re meant to have friends, best friends, acquaintances, etc.  And at times, we need their guidance, insight or perspective.  But if we rely only – or first – on that, as a replacement for our own self-confidence and inner strength, we fail… At least, for me, that is my experience.

It also stuck me that Love is an action – not a feeling.  So, what can I do (or say to myself ) to reinforce the courage, strength, experience and gifts that I posses?  For this person – for whatever reason – though I’m generally an optimist than a pessimist, nonetheless, my inner voice – my instincts – my first reaction – is to discount myself, my abilities, my worth.  So, if love is an action, I need to ignore my instincts, not listen to my first reaction or thought, but instead, dig deeper…answer that initial voice with positive reinforcements, facts, truths, experiences from my past that counter that initial self-doubt.

I spoke with a friend who, though not spiritual nor a believer in prayer, finds a lot of strength from music and poetry.  I love music as well – I have certain songs that connect with my emotions and experience and can either bring me “up” or bring me “down.”  So, she encouraged me to keep some of those on hands, and pull those out when I need encouragement.  Sometimes, in those moments of self-pity or self-doubt or loneliness, I’ll grab my “Sad Playlist” on iTunes.  Hello!!?!  No wonder I can, at times, sink even deeper into self-pity.  Instead, develop and grab a “Upbeat Confidence Playlist” and allow the music and word to sooth my soul, to coat me with peace and joy.  With my spiritual background, some of those songs are from my faith experience.  But, they also include  music from the likes of Cher, Sting, and Dolly Parton.

So, I have some new tools in my toolbox.  A lens that I’ve used before, but discarded, through which I can choose to see life, see myself.  With that, I’ll close with two particular songs I’ve been gravitating this past month, which I shared with this friend as concrete examples of what I could be using to lift my spirits…

I Starlight Express/I am the Starlight

Music by Andrew Lloyd Weber / Lyrics by Richard Stilgoe

When you good nights have been said
And you are lying in bed
With the covers pulled up tight
And though you count every sheep
You get the feeling that sleep
Is going to stay away tonight.
That’s when you hear it coming
That is when you hear the humming of the
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

Want you to take me away
But bring me home before daylight
And in the time between
Take me to everywhere
But don’t abandon me there
Just want to say I’ve been.
I believe in you completely
Though I may be dreaming sweetly of the
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

And if you’re there
And if you know
Then show me which way
I should go.
Starlight Express, Starlight Express,
Are you real, yes or no?
Starlight Express, answer me yes.
I don’t want you to go.

* * * * * * *

Only you have the power within you.
Just believe in yourself –
The sea will part before you,
Stop the rain, turn the tide.
If only you use the power within you
Needn’t beg the world
To turn around and help you
If you draw on what you have within you
Somewhere deep inside.

Rusty you’re blind, look in your mind –
I’m there. Nothing’s new
The Starlight Express is no more nore less
Than you Rusty. I am you.
I’m you and only you

I Wish That I Could Show You

Music and Lyrics by Barbara McAfee
Based on a quote by Hafiz http://www.barbaramcafee.com/lyricsworldofwonders.php

I wish that I could show you
Whenever you are lonely or walking in the dark
The astonishing Light of your Being

Hosting a pastry chef: a silver lining from my past


There’s the expression, “if life gives you lemons…”  Well, sometimes the decisions I have made in my past while using drugs or trying to save others in early recovery were more akin to inviting lemons into my house to stay for a while.  And to be accurate, I have at times been under the illusion of doing the latter (saving) while  stuck in the trap of the former (using).  Self-deception is the one of the most dangerous places for this (or any) addict to be…

Let’s just say – I’ve learned my lesson and will not be extending an invitation to “friends” to crash here, recover here, or anything remotely similar.  This needs to be my safe haven, and so far, my ability to help others in my home have been disastrous.

Having said that, I’ve often said “If ever I were to write a book…”  Well, why not share some stories here?!  Because after all, these weren’t bad people…just people making bad choices.  They, like any of us, do have gifts to offer the world.  And in many cases, I’ve learned something from them. As an empath, I’m often been able to see something worth saving, even when they can’t see it for themselves. [Likewise, of course, I can’t see it in myself at times…especially during my own using days.] I’ve often thought – if the world could just see and celebrate your “name his gift,” or “name his passion” or “name his talent”  — there might be hope for them to turn around.  [And in my own dark days…if I could see the same in myself, hope for me to stay true to my path.]

So, here is my…
Silver Lining Series – Story #1.  The Pastry Chef.

When I first met C., he struck me as confident, mature and a “winner” as they say in the rooms…someone who would make it. So years later, when he got out of prison and sought my help in finding support, a healthy living environment, and resources to get back on his feet, I shared as much current information from my network as I could. He seemed to take to it, doing the legwork to connect, get into “rehab,” and find work. As I talked with him, I discovered he was an experienced pastry chef…a baker…and that struck a chord with me. I could see his interest in getting back into that work, in perhaps even starting his own business. The future seemed promising…

C. needed some transitional living (days…) to wait out his intake for a local treatment facility and extended halfway house/program. I invited him I to my home. During his brief time, he and I shared time baking…and he taught me things about quick breads, the “chemistry” behind some baking techniques, and the value,of weighing vs measuring (European vs. American style recipes :). We even took one of my moms ‘s “mainstay” recipes – Banana Bread – and experimented with approaches, ingredients, and technique…literally “benchmarking” my normal way of making it with his “training.” And let me tell you…there IS a marked difference. Hands down, his baseline was better tasting and especially better looking. And then he built on that – adjusted some ingredients, like the sugars, and added a touch of spice…and transformed the recipe to yet another level. Amazing. So I now have a new and improved version on mom’s recipe…a gift from his time and his passion.

For that experience and that gift, I’m grateful…

I hope he makes it. I wish I now had more confidence than hope…as my one boss used to say, hope is not a strategy. Setting aside the spiritual gap in that thinking, there are dark clouds on the horizon…the lemonade is at risk of being spoiled…

I also learned that coupled with his outward confidence and “get go” came compulsive lying, manipulation, and a lack of authenticity. Those are challenging bad traits for anyone to have, but for an addict…they can be deadly. He took advantage of me while also sharing his gifts…and in the end, our friendship crumbled. He was recently re-arrested on violation of his parole, and his back in jail/prison.

Still – he’s not a bad person.  He’s not a liar or manipulator…those are labels I try to avoid (just like “good” or “bad.) Again, he’s just a man making bad choices – and I’ve been there, done that.  It doesn’t make us good or bad people.  But, his behaviors weren’t consistent with his words — and I value honesty and truthfulness in my friendships.

Like many home comers, he’s likely influenced by the “system” and the old habits and people he clung to.  Again, I’ve struggled at times with the same battles…  I’m not judging or condemning him.  In contrast, I’m really trying to celebrate and shine a light on his talents, his passions, and the growth and learning I gained from our time together.  But, he was here for a reason or a season…for now, that season is on pause…hopeful and optimistic pause, but pause nonetheless.

I hope he does make it…because he has much to offer the world. Like we each do…no matter how dark the clouds can get, they should never let us be fooled into believing otherwise.

But I am also reminded of the words of my first sponsor. “Most of us won’t make it.” Many of us won’t?! “No, most of us…”

Here’s to you C. May you find yourself before it’s too late…before this ugly disease takes you out. You’re worth it.

You made a difference…


Ironically, I’ve heard this quote twice this week – casting very different circumstances on someone’s life (although one was just a movie character).

Clearly, as a species or individuals, I think it’s common to want to look back on our lives and feel like we made a difference.  On a level, I think that’s noble.  But let’s look at ways to accomplish that goal, and what – in the end – really matters (IMHO).

I saw the new Jack Ryan movie this week. [SPOILER ALERT:  skip this paragraph if you want to see the movie…]  The main villain shares with someone during the movie that he feels like his life will have made a difference.  We find out later that  orchestrated a worldwide criminal plot, on behalf of his country and in memory of his son’s life, lost in war as a hero for his country.  Noble cause – to want to have made a difference.  Even noble in wanting to do so on behalf of one’s dead son, or one’s country.   I think we can all agree that it ends there, in terms of nobility.

But his story echoes this common theme:  finding self worth and value in life by making a difference.

The second time I heard this quote came today.  A friend died unexpectedly this week – as of yet, we don’t know the circumstances behind his death.  But, an early co-griever shared these words about our common friend:

You’re someone who cared
You were gentle, sweet, and kind
You made a difference

What an awesome way to be remembered : as caring, gentle, sweet, and kind.  I’d add that he was also authentic and passionate in life.  And he did make a difference.

Now, here’s where you might expect me to highlight a series of accomplishments on the same “scale” or “grandeur” to mirror the movie character’s goals in life. Well, I’m glad to say that’s where I think those three simple sentences are enough…more than enough. While there’s no Nobel Peace Prize, or national publicity on his accomplishments…does that really matter — for any of us?

Mike made a difference in the lives of those around him. He made relationships, telling stories, and celebrating others a priority.  He listened.  He was vulnerable.  He invited trust and showed compassion.  He understood that we are all connected — all living things — and took great pride and joy in that fact.

For me, there’s no better way to be remembered.

At times, with my life experience, I’ve honestly  believed that nobody would come to my funeral — that I would die alone, not having made a difference.  I also found my identity and self-worth primarily in my work — what I did — not who I was, or how I lived out my life.  I’m very grateful that I’m now able to see life so differently — through the powerful witness of others and through my own life experience.

I’m grateful for the lives of friends like Scott, Mike, and Phil who remind me that in the end, what is remembered is how we live, not what we do or what we accomplish.

I’ll  close here with some sacred and inspiring thoughts from a singer and poet I had the fortune of meeting last year at a conference on Asset Based Community Development.  Her words are both comforting and joyful.  Thank you Barbara for your gift…

I Wish That I Could Show You

Lyrics: Based on a quote by Hafiz 

I wish that I could show you
Whenever you are lonely or walking in the dark
The astonishing Light of your Being

When I Die

August 2011
©  Barbara McAfee

When I die I know there’ll be singing
By my friends all gathered around
As their sweet voices fade behind me
I will join with the One Great Sound
And I’ll stand on a sunset hillside
Just like I did in that dream
Join the multitudes there who are singing
The song inside everything

When I die I hope I’m not frightened
But it’s not for me to know
What awaits me there at the threshold
What’s required in letting go
Every time I leave home
Or someone I love
Or a place sweet and holy
Each night as I slip into slumber
I am learning how to die

When I die I’ll fall into a hammock
Woven of each song I’ve ever sung
I have sent them all forward to catch me
On the day that my life is done.
I will slip into that great mystery
As I did in the cool lake at dawn
I will swim those eternal waters
Let the current of love take me home

When I die I know there’ll be singing
By my friends all gathered around
As their sweet voices fade behind me
I will join with the One Great Sound

Link to her latest CD, with these two songs…