Tag: honesty

Hosting a pastry chef: a silver lining from my past


There’s the expression, “if life gives you lemons…”  Well, sometimes the decisions I have made in my past while using drugs or trying to save others in early recovery were more akin to inviting lemons into my house to stay for a while.  And to be accurate, I have at times been under the illusion of doing the latter (saving) while  stuck in the trap of the former (using).  Self-deception is the one of the most dangerous places for this (or any) addict to be…

Let’s just say – I’ve learned my lesson and will not be extending an invitation to “friends” to crash here, recover here, or anything remotely similar.  This needs to be my safe haven, and so far, my ability to help others in my home have been disastrous.

Having said that, I’ve often said “If ever I were to write a book…”  Well, why not share some stories here?!  Because after all, these weren’t bad people…just people making bad choices.  They, like any of us, do have gifts to offer the world.  And in many cases, I’ve learned something from them. As an empath, I’m often been able to see something worth saving, even when they can’t see it for themselves. [Likewise, of course, I can’t see it in myself at times…especially during my own using days.] I’ve often thought – if the world could just see and celebrate your “name his gift,” or “name his passion” or “name his talent”  — there might be hope for them to turn around.  [And in my own dark days…if I could see the same in myself, hope for me to stay true to my path.]

So, here is my…
Silver Lining Series – Story #1.  The Pastry Chef.

When I first met C., he struck me as confident, mature and a “winner” as they say in the rooms…someone who would make it. So years later, when he got out of prison and sought my help in finding support, a healthy living environment, and resources to get back on his feet, I shared as much current information from my network as I could. He seemed to take to it, doing the legwork to connect, get into “rehab,” and find work. As I talked with him, I discovered he was an experienced pastry chef…a baker…and that struck a chord with me. I could see his interest in getting back into that work, in perhaps even starting his own business. The future seemed promising…

C. needed some transitional living (days…) to wait out his intake for a local treatment facility and extended halfway house/program. I invited him I to my home. During his brief time, he and I shared time baking…and he taught me things about quick breads, the “chemistry” behind some baking techniques, and the value,of weighing vs measuring (European vs. American style recipes :). We even took one of my moms ‘s “mainstay” recipes – Banana Bread – and experimented with approaches, ingredients, and technique…literally “benchmarking” my normal way of making it with his “training.” And let me tell you…there IS a marked difference. Hands down, his baseline was better tasting and especially better looking. And then he built on that – adjusted some ingredients, like the sugars, and added a touch of spice…and transformed the recipe to yet another level. Amazing. So I now have a new and improved version on mom’s recipe…a gift from his time and his passion.

For that experience and that gift, I’m grateful…

I hope he makes it. I wish I now had more confidence than hope…as my one boss used to say, hope is not a strategy. Setting aside the spiritual gap in that thinking, there are dark clouds on the horizon…the lemonade is at risk of being spoiled…

I also learned that coupled with his outward confidence and “get go” came compulsive lying, manipulation, and a lack of authenticity. Those are challenging bad traits for anyone to have, but for an addict…they can be deadly. He took advantage of me while also sharing his gifts…and in the end, our friendship crumbled. He was recently re-arrested on violation of his parole, and his back in jail/prison.

Still – he’s not a bad person.  He’s not a liar or manipulator…those are labels I try to avoid (just like “good” or “bad.) Again, he’s just a man making bad choices – and I’ve been there, done that.  It doesn’t make us good or bad people.  But, his behaviors weren’t consistent with his words — and I value honesty and truthfulness in my friendships.

Like many home comers, he’s likely influenced by the “system” and the old habits and people he clung to.  Again, I’ve struggled at times with the same battles…  I’m not judging or condemning him.  In contrast, I’m really trying to celebrate and shine a light on his talents, his passions, and the growth and learning I gained from our time together.  But, he was here for a reason or a season…for now, that season is on pause…hopeful and optimistic pause, but pause nonetheless.

I hope he does make it…because he has much to offer the world. Like we each do…no matter how dark the clouds can get, they should never let us be fooled into believing otherwise.

But I am also reminded of the words of my first sponsor. “Most of us won’t make it.” Many of us won’t?! “No, most of us…”

Here’s to you C. May you find yourself before it’s too late…before this ugly disease takes you out. You’re worth it.

Discovering what works…my recovery program


I have struggled quite honestly since I first hit bottom in 2009 to get more than about 14 months of clean time as defined by the 12 step recovery groups.

With the recent help of some trusted friends, my higher power, some experiences with relapse, and some other lessons, I’m beginning to see that for me, I need more than “the rooms” can offer me…at least at this stage of my life.

The twelve-step programs have a definite place in recovery and work for some people as a “life plan.” Even for myself, they served a purpose during a the critical phase of my recovery, when I was learning to live life “on life’s terms.” But, I’m beginning to understand they fall short of what I want and need now.  So, I’m finding my own “voice,” and my own “recovery program.”

Quite simply, for me, life is more about living in the gray. Things are not as simple or neatly defined as one finds in the very “fundamentalist” worldview of 12 step groups. I’ve already lived through the painful disappointment of a rigid, dogmatic Christian “cult” when I was in college.  Again, it served as a useful “crutch” during a traumatic period of loss, while my parents were going through a divorce.  Back then, the Christian group on campus gave me structure and instant “community” – though in the long run, their worldview was very black and white, right and wrong – with little room for independent thinking and diversity.  So as a gay man, I left — and watched as every single relationship turned their back on me because of my choice to come out of the closet.

What I’ve come to realize is the 12 step process was beginning to give me the same heartache and disappointment.  I’ve been really frustrated and let down, because what I’ve heard from people in the rooms and their demonstrated practice have not matched up.  I heard expectations from them about what they would do in times of need – yet in those times of need, I found little support, friendship or understanding.

As with the teachings of the Christian campus group, there is still much that agree with and can use going forward.  So, I don’t want to throw everything out with the bath water.  I can try some things on – if they work for me, then they become a part of my belief system.  But, if they don’t work for me, I can reject them and move on…and that’s okay.

It’s called finding my voice, coming up with my guiding principles, discovering myself…which ultimately is what MY recovery is about. I lost myself in work, relationships, and ex-pat living.  I don’t want to “lose myself” to another external organization and philosophy.  Instead, I want to learn from others, but determine my own path.

The beauty about rediscovering yourself is you get to do it over and over.  And that’s exciting and scary – but more aligned with where this recovery person wants to be.  It’s a little more fluid and messy at times – but in my experience, that’s life.

The other important thing for me to remember is this doesn’t mean that other people are wrong and that I’m right.  It just means that I found what has worked for me, just for today.  It’s about living in the gray, it’s about asking questions, it’s about being open to changing beliefs when they no longer work for me until I find the handful of principles that are my “truths” by which I choose to live.

Questions to the Sick II: When is the last time you danced?


A daily devotional I use by Mark Nepo introduced me to a series of questions Native America medicine men ask of the sick: When was the last time you sang? When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you told your story? These questions would be put to the sick and dying by the tribe’s medicine man. In my recovery journey, I’m learning it’s just as important to ask these questions of the living. (http://www.marknepo.com/books_theexquisite.php)

Question II popped up again this week as I cycle through the book a second time, so I’ve been more aware of this lesson. And, I can actually think of two recent contrasting experiences that taught me an even deeper lesson.

Last month, I was at an outdoor concert of Jennie DeVoe, a regional musician whose work has been a discovered gift since I started this journey. There in the open venue, I jumped up, stood by our table and let myself go — dancing and swaying to one of my favorite songs from my muse. I let the joyful release of the music flow through me, unphased by what others might think of me.

Last night, I was at another outdoor venue, listening to a live broadcast of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion. His storytelling and weekly radio broadcast have been a part of my story since I was in my twenties. But, in my final years of active addiction, my Higher Power used several broadcasts in particular to speak to my broken spirit. I knew then I’d be ok even if I didn’t know when and how. So, one of my bucket list items was to see him broadcast live. With that context, again, it’s no surprise I felt the same joyful release well up inside me. I SO wanted to jump up and dance — but I held back. It was still an amazing performance, with laughter and tears and healing. But, I wasn’t able to live as authentically as I wanted.

As I reflected today on the way I chose to react so differently during those two cathartic situations, I asked myself — why? I realized the level of safety created by the company I was with was a key factor.

I’m human, and know that much of my life has been driven by fear and shame. In one situation, I knew I would be understood and my joy celebrated. In the other, I feared ridicule and shame.

What a difference the company we choose can make. And today, I do have choices. It doesn’t make one set of people “good” and one “bad.” But, it does mean I can make choices to be around that which celebrates living authentically and openly. And being able to make those choices doesn’t make me better than. It simply is what I choose to do.

Of course, I hope that in the future, I’m able to let go regardless…unphased by the reaction of others, driven instead by the deep connectedness I’m having at that moment with the music, my feelings, my true self…and the universe.

But, this is a journey – I strive for progress, not perfection.

Today, I’m simply grateful for the awareness and growth.