Tag: honesty

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.

What more is there to GRIEVE?!


My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago that I’d be entering a “period of grieving.” I’m realizing there are losses from my past that I haven’t fully grieved because of my addictions. Now in recovery, the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. that come with grieving are hitting me in full force.  And that’s all good – and somewhat expected.

What I’m now realizing is that ain’t all!  He has “turned me worldview upside down” a couple of times in recent weeks — challenged my thinking, and since I know my best thinking is what GOT me here, I’m learning to listen, to stay open-minded, to remain teachable. And for this intelligent, arrogant know-it-all, that’s hard to do!  Honestly.  I’m learning the “power of a question”…like, really learning! Not just paying it lip service!

Today I asked him “what does passive-aggressive mean?.”  “I think I know, but let me ask…”  (See, arrogant!)  Well, humbly I learned something new.

I used to think passive-aggressive meant someone who goes back and forth between the two behaviors or extremes: being passive, then being aggressive.  The inconsistency for me was the focus, the frustration. Well, I learned today it has more to do with “being aggressive by being passive” – killing them softly…a nice a*#hole.  Oh 😉  Makes sense. Rather than be honest, authentic (appropriately so) – rather than make myself vulnerable and share how I’m feeling as the result of an action, a met or unmet need…I play out a game of aggression in a “nice” way.  Hmm…

I’m learning what it means to be honest – to be authentic.

 

Character defect: passive-aggressive.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: sarcasm.  Serves me well; lived in the UK, where they do it so well, though they call it a “dry sense of humor.”  Hallmark for me – one of my trademarks. Shoot.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: flirting.  Like passive-aggressive, it’s a way of avoiding honesty, vulnerability.  It’s really a game – a childish game, more appropriate for teen-age puppy love; not a grown, adult who is 42 years old.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: defining myself in relation to other people – usually in relationship with someone (either romantically or in friendship), not seeing myself as a unique, whole human being – complete in and of myself. Jerry Maguire doesn’t work in real life…”you complete me.”  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: pursuing romance instead of intimacy. Not that romance in and of itself is bad (I think…), but it’s not the end point – attraction, romance lead to healthy intimacy. But, I constantly chance romance – the newness – the excitement, which only gets me into trouble when I *am* in a relationship, because that newness is usually somewhere else. So, like flirting, it’s an emotionally immature response for a grown adult, as an end point.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Shoot.

Now I know what’s meant about giving up character defects – or being willing to give them up.  They’ve served me well…ok not so well, but they are comfortable.  I’m used to them.  But they have to go.

They’ve helped me cope with life.  But, is that all I want from life — to “cope with it?” Again, it’s like tolerance — not a substitute for love.  How many people want their friends or family to tell them, “I tolerate you.”  NO!  We all want and need, “I love you.” Likewise, I don’t want my tombstone to read, “Here lies CT. He coped with life.”  NO!  I want it to read, “Here lies CT.  He lived his life authentically.”

There’s a whole lot more that’s being added to this grief plate!

But, I know it’s all good.  It’s the growth I want – they growth I need – the growth I haven’t had since I was oh, about 18 years old.

So it’s no surprise my emotional responses in many cases are those of a teen-ager. 😉

Growth – grieving – goodness.

 

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Feeling the pain I caused others


I’m an intellectual, analytical sort of guy by nature. So regardless of my addiction – or perhaps in addition to my addiction – I don’t connect well with my feelings. I can analyze a situation, describe the feelings I am, was or should be feeling…but I haven’t always connected with the emotions involved. I think it’s part of my coping mechanism for life. Coping with isn’t the same as living, just like tolerating someone isn’t the same as loving them.

I want to experience life – live life – love others…not just cope and tolerate.

I’m learning how to these days in recovery with a lot of tools and help.

This week, I realized how strong that coping mechanism has been.  About a month ago, a friend told me stuff I never knew that was going on around me and about me while I was in my last years of active addiction. In my selfish, self-centered world, I didn’t think anyone knew about my using — nor cared. Secretly, there were times I remember hoping someone would care, would say something — but I also know that most attempts to “help me” would have just driven me further away, strengthening my denial and the grip drugs had on me.

This friend told me about how people very close to me were aware of my using, sometimes in surprisingly graphic and real detail. But, these same folks knew that in most cases, the best thing to do is to let go, and let someone’s Higher Power guide events. Knowing and yet not being able to help was painful for them.  The helplessness, the despair, the concern, the fear.  And, I was oblivious to it all.

But, my analytical mind had really only processed this on one very intellectual level until this week. I filed the “news” away in my memory – didn’t talk about it with anyone really – but it would surface from time to time. Yesterday, I was talking with my sponsor and told him about this realization of the world around me – of the pain and worry I caused for some of the closest people in my life. Even then, I honestly felt little – it was a story, seemingly someone else’s.

Last night, I had some dreams that brought this awareness to light. I awoke and lay in bed thinking about what I shared the day before.  I saw the people involved in my mind, and started to cry – sobbing heavily as a greater sense of guilt, regret and sadness came over me. It finally all hit me — and I simply allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness.

I know the outcome is amazing – we’ve survived this and they continue to be in my life. I will make amends when the time is right.  But, the self-awareness from this is a great gift of recovery. The fact that these two folks courageously faced this situation with appropriate “detached love” and continue to be in my life is an even greater gift.

But perhaps the greatest gift was the reconnection between my intellect and my emotion. I understand better how important it is to live more authentically with the union of heart and mind, living through and experiencing the feelings of joy, sadness, fear that come with the events in life.  For now, for me, this takes conscious awareness and an effort to remain open to possibilities, to new world views, and to a maturing capacity to feel. The “lag” between events and feeling them is growing shorter, but it’s still there. My ability to detach is so strongly rooted in my way of living that it will take time to grow.

But, baby steps.

Today, I can see it for how it should really be.

Today, I feel the pain I cause others.  And for now, that is a wonderful gift.

To be continued….