Tag: gratitude

Moving on…


I was able to set these past three days aside to explore some loss in my life. Indeed, these past months have been a time of learning — learning to feel, to grieve, to accept. But, these past weeks have been particularly intense as I explored some deep pain from my past. I also started a process of taking my inventory of fears and resentments as part of a recovery workshop I’m in. For a man who has spent most of his life learning to numb and avoid feelings, this is all very much outside of my comfort zone. But, with the help of the rooms, and friends in recovery, and my devotional time, I’m living through the feelings — and coming out on the other side alive.

I took some time these past days to meditate, to read, to walk outside, to take pictures, to travel. I started an art project for a poster I want to create for Indianapolis. It felt good to connect with my passion from days gone by. Photography, like travel, is in my family’s blood. My grandfather had more camera bodies and lenses than he knew what to do with. And, he shared his love of photography with his children and his grandchildren. So, to find myself walking along the new cultural trail here in town, taking pictures of my surroundings was exciting. My senses were more aware of everything around me. My eye searched out the right composition, or the right moment, or the right perspective to capture what lay before me “on film.”  What fun!
I also tried to reflect on what I learned from my friend Scott who passed away on Friday. He took a brave step few have the courage to ever do — to leave the security of an established corporate career to follow his passion. He became a certified, independent life coach. He fulfilled his dream before and during his treatment with several “students” or “coachees.” He was my life coach at a difficult part of my own transformation and recovery. He shared tools to help me develop a more principle-based pattern of living. He listened to my struggles in early recovery and shared his own spiritual experiences. For the short time I knew him, I was changed.  For that I am grateful.
Scott returned from California just a few short weeks ago. He had gone there, hoping to get an intense stem-cell based bone marrow transplant to attack the cancer. But, the cancer had spread too quickly and too deeply for them to get very far in the treatment. They modified his treatment strategy to one of quality of life. When he returned to Indiana, I understand that he sat down and wrote out a bucket list. Of course, he had already realized his dream of life coaching – but there were other things he still wanted to do in this life.  Sadly, the cancer didn’t afford him much if any success on his bucket list.
I share this because his life coaching and his bucket list have been on my heart during these recent weeks. Do I have dreams I’ve shelved, or passions I’ve failed to follow? Do I have a subconscious list of things I still want to experience in this life?  I hesitate to say accomplish because I’ve learned that it’s not what I do that matters in the end – it’s who I am – how I choose to live my life – the principles by which I strive, with the grace of my Higher Power, to live each day. But, with or without an illness, is there value in having a bucket list of my own?  I think so.  What about a set of principles that I can point to and use as a guide?  Definitely. These are two of the many gifts and lessons I’m taking away from my friend, Scott.  Thank you.
In closing, I realize that while a time of mourning is healthy, particularly for this addict, it’s also healthy to move on. That’s not to say I’m done grieving. But, I’ve paused to grieve…not just Scott’s passing, but the losses I’ve connected with from my past. Several weeks ago, I had even made my Facebook photo black. It raised many questions from friends of course, so I explained:
Working through some grieving, loss, mourning. So it’s a small reminder to myself to remain open to feeling the pain of my loss(es) so I can find healing and move on…
But, it’s time to restore my picture, shift my mind and meditations away from the intense focus on grieving…and just allow what comes to unfold.
It’s time to move on…
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Pausing to grieve


I’m learning to remain open to where the day, the spirit, my Higher Power may take me at any given moment. There were days when I was unemployed when I simply woke up and listened to where my heart led me – where doors opened during the day – where paths seemed to spring to life. It was the act of being open and aware that connected me with something greater than myself, bringing experiences, lessons or insights that shaped that moment.

During these past weeks, I’ve been guided to grieve one layer deeper. Combined with my fourth step work in one fellowship, I’m facing some of the deep fears, resentments, and losses that have darkened my spirit and contributed to the walls that surround my heart. I’m learning that people come into my life for a reason – sometimes for a brief moment. But often, they are here to teach me a lesson.

One such man entered my life in the Fall of last year. I was six months into being unemployed, coming out of a period of relapse on this road of recovery. He was making a major life transition, leaving a stable, comfortable career in human resources with a fortune 500 company to pursue a dream and passion to become a life coach, helping others in their own transitions and pursuits of authenticity. He was my life coach for several months, sharing his deep, personal approach to a principle-driven life. He also became a friend and confidant.

This past week, he found the wholeness we all seek in life as he transitioned from this imperfect life into the peaceful world beyond. And while there are reasons well beyond me why and when, I’ve also come to believe the timing and experience is here for me to learn and grow. I had three days of vacation planned, originally to visit my sister and her family on vacation in Virginia Beach. But, being on probation for 3 more weeks, it didn’t seem wise or worth the effort to get permission from the courts to travel. But, I kept the time off on the schedule. In the past week, it’s shaped into being three days of staycation, built around day trips in Indiana to visit places and people I’ve wanted to see. When we initially celebrated my friend’s life and lay leadership at my church yesterday, our pastor talked about the need to “pause and grieve.” So while I’ve been in a period of grieving for some weeks, and while I don’t believe my grieving will end on Wednesday, I’ve decided to focus these three days even more deeply on allowing myself to grieve while exploring destinations and sharing time with friends. I don’t know what that means or where that will take me. I know it’s not just about Scott, but about much more from my past.  I just have a sense to use this time and this timing as a gift — to remain open and allow myself to feel and explore whatever comes up.

 

So pause

and grieve

and move on with life.

 

For today – for right now – that seems to be where my Higher Power is leading me.

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When wrestling for life, the battle itself matters not


Today we heard the story of how Jacob wrestled with an Angel. At one point, he asks the Angel his name, to which came the response “Why is it that you ask my name?”  But he didn’t get an answer.  Instead, Jacob was blessed. In other words, he won the battle and his life was spared. In fact, Jacob even names the place Peniel, which means “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Pastor Mike drew parallels to the struggles we all have in life. It doesn’t really matter what the battle is – we all have our “bad” – we all have our issues. For me, it’s been addiction. For others, it’s depression, or financial bankruptcy. But, in reality, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. That’s why Jacob doesn’t get an answer to his question – the Angel’s name didn’t matter. The battle itself didn’t matter. What matters is how we face our struggles. Do we face them with hope and determination? If so, then like Jacob, we are blessed.

When it comes to my recovery, the battle with the Angel analogy plays out a little differently for me. I find my victory and peace by surrendering my will each day — not by some show of force or strength.  But the connection for me in the story was more about the commonality in our battles – the “namelessness of it all.”  Like they say in the rooms, look for the similarities not the differences.  I am not better than or worse than. I am special, I’m just not unique.  I am right sized. We all have our battles to fight.  In that I find comfort and connection and support.

I also reflect upon my own journey where there were moments of utter despair and hopelessness where life didn’t seem worth living. Thoughts of suicide played out in my mind. The day I hit bottom and entered treatment, I had even come close to taking my own life — the closest I had ever come in my mind to carrying out a plan. But in a moment of hope, I found the strength to make a different choice.  I chose life.

And I was blessed.

“It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

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