Tag: gifts

Moving on…


I was able to set these past three days aside to explore some loss in my life. Indeed, these past months have been a time of learning — learning to feel, to grieve, to accept. But, these past weeks have been particularly intense as I explored some deep pain from my past. I also started a process of taking my inventory of fears and resentments as part of a recovery workshop I’m in. For a man who has spent most of his life learning to numb and avoid feelings, this is all very much outside of my comfort zone. But, with the help of the rooms, and friends in recovery, and my devotional time, I’m living through the feelings — and coming out on the other side alive.

I took some time these past days to meditate, to read, to walk outside, to take pictures, to travel. I started an art project for a poster I want to create for Indianapolis. It felt good to connect with my passion from days gone by. Photography, like travel, is in my family’s blood. My grandfather had more camera bodies and lenses than he knew what to do with. And, he shared his love of photography with his children and his grandchildren. So, to find myself walking along the new cultural trail here in town, taking pictures of my surroundings was exciting. My senses were more aware of everything around me. My eye searched out the right composition, or the right moment, or the right perspective to capture what lay before me “on film.”  What fun!
I also tried to reflect on what I learned from my friend Scott who passed away on Friday. He took a brave step few have the courage to ever do — to leave the security of an established corporate career to follow his passion. He became a certified, independent life coach. He fulfilled his dream before and during his treatment with several “students” or “coachees.” He was my life coach at a difficult part of my own transformation and recovery. He shared tools to help me develop a more principle-based pattern of living. He listened to my struggles in early recovery and shared his own spiritual experiences. For the short time I knew him, I was changed.  For that I am grateful.
Scott returned from California just a few short weeks ago. He had gone there, hoping to get an intense stem-cell based bone marrow transplant to attack the cancer. But, the cancer had spread too quickly and too deeply for them to get very far in the treatment. They modified his treatment strategy to one of quality of life. When he returned to Indiana, I understand that he sat down and wrote out a bucket list. Of course, he had already realized his dream of life coaching – but there were other things he still wanted to do in this life.  Sadly, the cancer didn’t afford him much if any success on his bucket list.
I share this because his life coaching and his bucket list have been on my heart during these recent weeks. Do I have dreams I’ve shelved, or passions I’ve failed to follow? Do I have a subconscious list of things I still want to experience in this life?  I hesitate to say accomplish because I’ve learned that it’s not what I do that matters in the end – it’s who I am – how I choose to live my life – the principles by which I strive, with the grace of my Higher Power, to live each day. But, with or without an illness, is there value in having a bucket list of my own?  I think so.  What about a set of principles that I can point to and use as a guide?  Definitely. These are two of the many gifts and lessons I’m taking away from my friend, Scott.  Thank you.
In closing, I realize that while a time of mourning is healthy, particularly for this addict, it’s also healthy to move on. That’s not to say I’m done grieving. But, I’ve paused to grieve…not just Scott’s passing, but the losses I’ve connected with from my past. Several weeks ago, I had even made my Facebook photo black. It raised many questions from friends of course, so I explained:
Working through some grieving, loss, mourning. So it’s a small reminder to myself to remain open to feeling the pain of my loss(es) so I can find healing and move on…
But, it’s time to restore my picture, shift my mind and meditations away from the intense focus on grieving…and just allow what comes to unfold.
It’s time to move on…
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Becoming aware of growth – conscious competence!


I was reminded this week of the stage of learning a new skill or changing an old habit:

1. Unconscious incompetence — I’m not aware of the situation – either the possibility of growth, the area of need, or the new perspective. It’s the “I don’t know what I don’t know.”

2. Conscious incompetence — I become aware of the situation.  I start to learn a new skill, or become aware of an area of my life that needs to change, or begin to see things differently.  My instinct is still to fall back on my old way of doing things – it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I feel very incompetent.

3. Conscious competence — I gain confidence and experience in the skill or new habit.  I am able to do or see things the “new way” — but I’m still very aware of the change.  I might still have to think or talk my way through things, but I’m able to consistently “perform the new trick.”

4. Unconscious competence — The new skill or perspective or way of life becomes so second nature that I forget I’m doing it!  In one respect, I’m back to “I don’t know what I don’t know” but only because it has become the new default – the natural reaction – the “new pair of glasses.”

The reason I like being reminded of this learning dynamic is when I’m in between the second and third step life can be frustrating, particularly for this perfectionist addict who is comfortable in some old patterns.  The “problem” is I’m now aware of the situation and want change…but oft times will still fall back into my normal way of thinking.  But, like learning to drive a car, I find comfort in knowing that the teen-age like awkwardness of jumping the clutch and having to mentally go through my checklist as I pull out of an intersection or start the car eventually becomes second nature.  I drive today without even thinking about it – and yet I know that if you had asked me on day three of my student driving class if I ever thought I’d get this driving thing down pat, I would have burst into tears!

 

This week, I became aware of how my reaction to situations and the actions I take in certain ones is become more conscious competence than not. I’m present enough and aware of myself that I’m able to recognize the inherent powerlessness in a situation, and “work some steps” on a situation rather than try to fix, manage and control it.  I am able to see and catch my competitive tendencies before I act on them, choosing instead to connect, to be happy, to be helpful.  I still have to walk, think or pray my way through.  But, to be aware of the growth in myself was invigorating. It was like having an outside of body experience – being able to step away and observe the situations that came up and realize that the person I was watching was different from the person from my past.  I am growing, learning, adapting, transforming.  And, I like what I see!

I’m far from unconscious competence!  And in some situations or for some things, I may always be at the level of conscious competence. In one sense, it keeps my present, connected and aware of my powerlessness when I’m in that state. But, I have hope that like driving, I will someday have a new set of instincts and reactions which will be second nature…simply a part of who I am…or in fact, present because that is who I am.  I will have just unlearned the coping skills or removed the masks, connected with my true self and allowed that man to step out of his shell.

For the awareness, I’m grateful.

For the growth, I’m grateful.

For today, I’m grateful.

 

 

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What is my Higher Power’s will? Embrace life. Live authentically. Love compassionately.


Such a heavy question. Someone brought this up as a topic for a meeting the other day – “how do I know what is my will vs. my Higher Power‘s will?” It’s something that I’ve been exploring in this phase of my journey, so I shared something like:

I’m learning that my Higher Power’s will is to find my identity in the relationship I have with my Higher Power. In my case, I choose to see my relationship as one of being a child of a loving God. In that relationship, I find the fullness of who I am meant to be. I find the security, peace and wholeness that I so desperately want and need. My years of addiction have been about finding my identity in my work, or my relationships. I sought peace — or freedom from pain — in sex, alcohol and drugs. I now understand — now came to believe — that a Power greater than myself can in fact restore me to sanity. In this case, sanity for me means wholeness, peace and security.

As for what my Higher Power wants me to do with my life, I’m understanding today that to be: live authentically, with compassion. So first, I must peel back the masks and the “coping skills” I’ve built up over the years. I must unlearn the behavior to please others at all costs and avoid conflict. In doing so, I worried too much what other people thought of me; I wanted to be liked, to be loved — because I had cut myself off from the one relationship that could fulfill me, the one with My Higher Power (see earlier point!)  I avoided conflict because I thought that would cause people to not like me. But, in doing so, I lost my voice – I lost my identity – I lost my authenticity.

So, find my security and wholeness in relationship to my Higher Power, and live authentically with compassion.

I then feel like I was given a chance to live this lesson out. And currently, I’m doing my best to do just that – by the grace of my Higher Power.

Having just locked in on starting my own business, I was called about two job interviews within days of completing my business plan for a mini-loan competition. One is very similar to the position I lost a year ago because of my addiction; the other could be an interesting stepping stone to my new business, but ironically is BACK in the small town I just moved from – literally – yesterday!  Irony.

So, the question comes up – what is my Higher Power’s will for my life?  Does He want me to continue with my own business venture?  Does he want me to return to Corporate IT?  Does he want me to build more deliberately to my own business via one of these other jobs as a temporary stepping stone?

As I’ve been talking and reflecting and praying and meditating on this – knowing that I don’t have to have an answer right away! – I’ve started to come to this possible outcome and lesson.

Given those options, He doesn’t really have an opinion. After all, I was given the ability to make choices.  Unlike other animals on the planet, I do have an intellect and capabilities and emotions to choose.

So, given that I’m not choosing to use – my Higher Power’s will is to take whichever road I would prefer…BUT, to do so without losing my identity or authenticity while doing so.  That’s the potential lesson from this.

So, returning to Corporate IT could be fine – as long as I do it differently this time, and keep my security and identity in my relationship with my Higher Power – and live authentically with compassion.

And launching my own business at 42 and following what feels like a passion and dream is also ok – as long as I don’t put too much stock or identity into it and its mission.

And with that perspective, I’m finding peace.

I don’t have to worry about finding the “right job” – the one “God has ordained for me to do next.”  Instead, it’s possible that I am given the possibility to choose, but to live through that differently this time.  And, in that freedom comes peace – in that realization of what my Higher Power’s will might really be after all comes strength – and through all of this, I feel alive.

So – the short answer – Embrace life, Live authentically, Love compassionately!

 

From my daily meditation, “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

Endgame: there’s nothing to do but keep dancing

Either by erosion from without or by shedding from within — and often by both — we are forced to live more authentically. And once the crisis that opened us passes, the real choice becomes: will we continue such authentic living?

From my daily meditation, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young:

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.

 

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