Tag: feelings

FUNK: Talking, Discovering, Resolving. What Am I Waiting For?


I’m in a funk. And, it’s bugging me because I don’t like being in a funk. And I don’t know why.

Part of me says, “just allow myself to feel and be in the funk. I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t control them.” I’ve been told to just apply the 12 steps to my feelings, and find acceptance. Find serenity in the things I can not change.

But, then I struggle with another tool my therapist has helped me with — using feelings to get in touch with what’s going on — using my feelings to identify what events led to my feelings in order to resolve the initial event with healthy actions.

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

For example, when I’m sad, it’s because there is a loss, or the ending of something. The unhealthy reaction I’m used to is to numb the feeling, or to replace the loss with something so I don’t have to feel the sadness. The healthier action is to grieve, to let go. Once I’ve lived through that sadness and grief, then I can replace. “Grieve and replace” instead of just “replace.”

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

Loss or ending in a relationship—————————–> SAD ———>  Grieve and Replace

But that tool is not helping me so far because I haven’t figured out what’s going on.

Or maybe I know why, and I just don’t want to dig there. Because I still don’t trust my emotions.

 

Then there’s this other angle on being in a funk: the only thing we can control is how we react to situations. Well, I can’t change my feelings. I feel funky and sad — and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m not able to just turn it off and say, “good morning – I choose to be happy today.”

And that bugs me.

And confuses me.

I’m struggling.

I’m not using.  I’m not running from it.  Though, I guess I am ignoring it — not digging into the feelings and letting them clue me into what is going on. I am checking out – sleeping – isolating.

And what I realize is I don’t process well. I don’t talk to anyone regularly about what’s going on in my day – never did, and probably haven’t for so long because I’ve been alone or on my own. I have also managed to keep people away – avoiding intimate friendships or relationships. But, I know when I do talk about events, situations in my day, I am able to see (or be helped to see) what’s going on, and how I’m feeling. If I don’t get it off my chest or diffuse it or learn to resolve the initial event with healthy action, then it festers, grows out of proportion and becomes a mountain.

So here I am again.

Realizing I’m alone – by choice – and that wall gets me to the same place every time I bang my head against it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So is it that the tool isn’t helping me…or I’m choosing not to use the tool?

Choosing not to trust my emotions – or to fear them – even though I have data (experience) that they do lead me to an authentic understanding of myself. In fact, they help me discover my true self.

So what am I waiting for?

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Feelings don’t have to run my life – but I don’t have to run from feelings in my life!


In the late 80’s, I spent four years in what I choose to call a Christian Cult. One of the teachings there focused on managing feelings – controlling them – keeping them in check. The idea was we should not allow our feelings to run our lives. Discipline, character, moral code, acting despite how we might feel — these were held up as goals of “right living.”

Feed that to an addict who already has a well-developed set of coping skills to avoid pain, to numb my feelings…and any hope of balance is out the window!  I added that tool to my toolkit, and found myself years later with an even stronger set of coping skills.  This was all before I started to drink compulsively or use illegal drugs.

What I’m learning now is how to undo years of either unhealthy messages – or messages that THIS addict took hold of and used to serve his own unhealthy purposes.

First, I’m learning to admit I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t manage them – I can’t control them…nor should I.  Instead, I need to lean in them, live through them, and feel them. At times they may be intense. The changes I’m going through this week with my move, anticipating the first anniversary of being fired from my 19 year career because of my addiction, being reminded of the loss of a seven-year relationship – have all brought up intense feelings of sadness, grief, pain.  But, I’m learning that is NATURAL!  They won’t consume me.  I can live through them.  And I know that one day I will also live through similar intense feelings of joy, celebration, love, surprise.

This is live – on life’s terms.  And what an amazing gift.

So yes – feelings don’t have to run my life, because I am powerless over them.  BUT, I don’t have to RUN from feelings in my life!

“Pain is inevitable…misery is optional.”  Today, I choose to experience the pain, but also choose to seek peace and comfort amidst the pain.

That is growth.

For that, I’m thankful.

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.