Tag: ego

Clean 2-8-14 #knowyourstatus REALLY?


20 years later…
What have we learned about science and hate?

Clean 2-8-14  #knowyourstatus

Want me to get scientific [on you]…and explain why having HIV is dirty?

I can fully explain it to you.  Chemistry and biology.

It’s a bacteria infection.  Which is not clean.

Your being mad at the world…is not gonna get rid of your HIV brother.  I promise that.

This is an online profile and part of a text conversation with a 21-year-old tonight in the early to mid 2010’s.

AIDS is God’s judgement on homosexuals.

This was from a phone conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990’s.  She had a master’s in microbiology.

I’m not sure which scares – or hurts – me the most.  Judgement and hate from my flesh and blood family, or judgement and hate from my family of choice.

At least my mother grew in her understanding and compassion over the years — along with the scientific understanding of this very manageable health condition.  When I eventually contracted the HIV virus in 2012, she no longer spoke in such an uneducated way.

I only wish this “SomeHotDude” from the millennial generation  learns some things about health, compassion and acceptance.

Anger, sadness and fear…oh my!

Am I mad “at the world?”  I’m mad at a choice I made to relapse in December 2011, which put me in a situation where I had unsafe sex in a careless way that showed little self-respect.  It’s a choice I made to use, and from there…my addiction wanted me dead.  So yes, I’m mad at myself and my addiction.

Am I mad and saddened and hurt by my dead grandfather, who 20+ years later I find out wrote me out of his will because I’m gay?  Yes, I’m mad at his narrow-minded bigotry that excluded me simply because of whom I love.

Am I mad at this cocky 21-year-old who verbalizes things I thought about people with HIV/AIDS for 20+ years, because of my own fear, prejudice and insecurity?  Yes, I’m mad and sad at seeing myself in him, mad at him for openly expressing his prejudice while I at least had the maturity along the way of keeping my fears and insecurities to myself.

Are the decisions or actions we’ve both made any different?  No.

Am I frustrated that our society continues to marginalize, label and push people who are different down into the gutter — whether it be based on race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, health condition, age or some other “class” we use to describe one another — rather than seeing one another as human beings?  Yes.

And let’s be clear – I’m part of that society, and have some of those same prejudices, so I hope this doesn’t come across as self-righteous.  I’m human, not perfect…just trying to learn and grow with what life experiences I have.

The question is: while we all may have these thoughts, do we let them influence our actions?  Or do we instead ignore the “pre-judement based on a stereotype, label or generalization” and choose acceptance, compassion, understanding?   Do we look past the societal labels, and seek to get to know the person in front of us?  In front of me…

Am I curious about that person, who they are and what they believe?   Do I think critically about the information I’m presented as I listen?  Do I show compassion, even in the face of fear, differences, insecurities?

It’s not always easy…believe me!  But that’s how I aspire to live, at the age of 45.  I only wish I knew at 21 what I now understand more fully…

Clean 2-8-14  #knowyourstatus

So yes, it scares and saddens me that this 21 year old is growing up comfortable about being gay, but judging people in our own community because he is afraid.

So my responses to his blindness were:

Clean 3-17-14, HIV+ March 2012

What does cleanliness have to do with status?  HIV status has nothing to do with being clean or dirty.

Do you like it when gay people are all labeled as perverts?  Then why would it be acceptable to label all HIV+ people as dirty [because people who are HIV- are instead clean]?

Perversion has nothing do with sexual orientation, just like cleanliness has nothing to do with viral status.

So yes, I’m clean and HIV+ — as if those two “labels” are really the antithesis of each other.  (I’ve been on medication since I was first diagnosed, and my viral load has been undetectable since January 2013)

One has to do with bathing habits, or language usage (for fuck’s sake…), or perhaps how tidy one keeps one’s house.  The other is a manageable health condition.  Two very different concepts.

This isn’t the 1980’s folks…get educated.  (Or for any millennials reading this, it’s not the 90’s. )

I hope this 21 year old never contracts the HIV virus and has to eat his own words…like I’ve had to re-evaluate my thoughts and beliefs…or like my mom had to re-evaluate her religion.

My Ego Has Landed


Well, hopefully it’s been right-sized – or in the process of being right-sized!

I continue to be at peace around my decision to either slow down or put on hold plans to start my own business, in favor of taking a position with a software company. I’m realizing how much of my self was already being wrapped up in it albeit subtly. With a history of finding my identity in my work, this is a way of thinking that I need to relearn.  That takes time and practice. With this job, I’ll have time and energy to focus on my continued growth, strengthening my foundation of recovery. The wider the foundation, the higher the point of freedom.

A fellow addict shared in a meeting today that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed – and fallen hard.  He was coming back into treatment and recovery after being out for several months.  He talked about how part of his downfall was he “thought he had arrived.”  His ego had landed, too!  In his thinking he started to take his will back.  As he did so, it became easier to justify not going to meetings – and not calling his friends in recovery.  And one thing led to another, and he was out using again. He shared how important it was for him to have learned the need for to stay connected spiritually, constantly seeking his higher power‘s will.

His sharing seemed to underscore for me the wisdom in my recent choice – wisdom that was quite honestly not my own. I realize now that when my sponsor had first shared his concerns about me starting a business this early in recovery, I downplayed them. I even took his advice and asked others in recovery who knew me well. I latched on to one individual who supported me, using that to discount my sponsor’s input.  Dangerous ground, I’m realizing now.  I could see the “higher road” — but wanted the road I was on.  It didn’t necessarily feel like an easy road…but it was one I clung to dearly.

Granted – lest I’m too hard on myself or start to second guess everything going on right now – I did not have any other options. There were no interviews of job offers. Were my searches robust…not consistently. But when the options DID come forward recently, I prayed to my higher power and sought guidance from others.  I tried to remain open-minded and willing.  When I realized that I really was grasping the rice pretty hard…the lessons started to unfold for me.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. — Niklaus Wirth

Learning to be open.

Learning to accept.

Learning to keep my ego in check.

Learning to be honest – with myself first and foremost.

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.