Tag: early recovery

The blabbering of an ex-Facebooker, thirsty for e-contact with the e-world…


I realize I haven’t blogged for about two weeks. And since I had earlier taken my Facebook page down due to some events and emotions, I really don’t have much “e-” contact, outside of the gay dating and chat sites. Not necessarily the best company to be keeping. And with my physical connections and friendships being closely cherished but not large in numbers…it can get a little spooky inside this carved pumpkin. Although I have been writing a lot offline, I think there are some nuggets worth sharing. Maybe not. So, perhaps a change coming… 1. get out again and enjoy nature on earth, and other human beings and 2. blog more consistently, along with photography and digital creations, as that outlet helps me work through life.

So quick update on last two weeks or so: adjusting to no online presence (Facebook) – really feeling out of touch, not belonging. Nothing has actually changed regarding the “actual” degrees of physical distance or emotional connection…but all of a sudden, the mind and heart starve for something that was there, in fact, just perhaps not being able to fulfill its promise….nonetheless, has value/role to play in our sense of community, of belonging. (Note: I do not have any financial or legal connections with Facebook…or whatever legal jargon should go hear to protect my sponsors. lol)

During those two weeks: listened as my nephew went off to college as a new dorm-bound freshman; bailed on an important ride/event; made decision to first close CHEC and then overrode with decision to keep pursuing some community work close to my heart; met with my care coordinator for our annual recertification (let’s analyze my navel and all actions surrounding it with 20 questions you should always be aware of, but only really consider during one of these conjugal visits…); found out our neighborhood block may be zoned and rebuilt, leaving me homeless at some point (really…not trying to make light of anyone’s plight – just my fear being reckless – I have and always will be taken care of; thought seriously about buying a home, whether for me or CHEC or both; decided I want to learn video remixing as a way to expand my creative outlet; lived through an Apple announcement and launch, setting goals to wait for both iPhone 6 and iWatch (less impulsive!); made huge progress on the basement cleanup program (hah!); interviewed for a part-time position; was reminded of a good friend, John Pickel (currently residing in WS, NC – looking after Maya’s spirit I’m sure with a little scotch and good cooking)…our antics together over the years, and his creative genius and humility; reconnected and re-disconnected with some souls, learning each time what we each bring and need in relation; decided on an online photo fulfillment service to let me take my photography and videography to the next level; learned a whole new vocal around acrobatics, including thai massage; experienced tactile energy and spirituality of being on a whole new level; lived through a milestone birthday for my sister, and what would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday; silently launched my new site (www.ctoddcreations.com); had friends hunt me down and go to lunch, and/or leave me with enough compassion and riddles to satisfy my emotional quotient and need for spiritual interaction at a deep soul level; lived through my dad’s loss of his “child” – a golden retriever…to an aggressive cancer that gave my dad the best last few weeks, but finally came to an end…and I feel is aloneness and yet know he is in a good place, grieving a valid loss in a healthy way; decided to go visit said dad before Thanksgiving just because… and maybe get to see my new nephew!…; dropped my motorcycle on me, doing minor damage to owner and bike – shoulder is biggest pain now, may need to go to clinic; took in another stray… and that’s about it.  I think.  Not much going on…

“The boy” (stray) has been awesome – having a non-sexual male friendship and interaction; his integrity has also rekindled my faith in other humans. But having another person here in my space is also bending my rule about monkeys in my circus, my sacred space. I thought I had learned that lesson, but not as fully as I needed…  This round, I realized that I’m putting them in a lose-lose situation living here with no financial means and no formal contract/commitment (e.g. CHEC, but not at home!)- and that’s not healthy or what I want. So it’s really got to be a hard boundary, particularly as I pursue the shaping of CHEC’s mission.  End of story.

Nonetheless, there is something healthy about interacting with another human being. Dogs are great companions, but not the replacement for human touch and intuition.

So there’s not much to add here other than:

1. Checkout www.CToddCreations.com – give me feedback on cost/quality, but I’m really excited about the product offerings!

2. Happy 50th Birthday to my sister. And light and love to my dad as he lives through the loss of his companion, Baloo.

3. I put together a portfolio of my videography creations – check them out on my homepage, but for now let me share the clip from this one event that really moved me…  I’ll try to convey some of the emotions in the experience through visual arts and storytelling.  I also leave two collages, celebrating Lisa’s 50 years of life and Baloo’s life as dad’s companion, and an amazing cover of an old time favorite from my generation (gosh, 40 IS the new 30!)

 .

The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC from CToddCreations on Vimeo.

Link to video “The Reason We Are Here: Waddie Welcome at Broadway UMC

Personal Life Celebration Sample - Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample –              Happy 50th Lisa!
Personal Life Celebration Sample - Baloo Life Collage
Personal Life Celebration Sample –                 Baloo Life Collage

Save Yourself


So I took some flack on my recent post, “Hosting a Pastry Chef: A Silver Lining from my Past.”  A mutual acquaintance of C. contacted me…and quite bluntly, I don’t trust him, or his motives.  C. had even told me in one of our last conversations before he violated his probation and went back to prison, “If he contacts you, just ignore him.  I’m sorry he’s bothering you.”

Well this individual thought my post wasn’t honest in fully disclosing all the details and specifics about my using, and that I was judging C.’s recovery/sobriety.

First, the irony of the two statements was lost on him.  He thought I was judging C’s recovery, and yet then…he turned around and “judged” my recovery.  Enough said.  I have only my HP to answer to.

Second, it was not my intention to make it sound like I was better than C., or less than.  We both are recovering addicts.  Relapse is part of my story.  The bottom line is we only have today.  And that’s enough.  Full stop.  So, if it came across to others as if I was judgmental, let me be clear:  I’m human, C’s human.  I’m not perfect, nor is anyone.  I don’t consider my recovery better (or worse) than anyone’s.  The only standard I have is my own, and I only have today to worry about.  Full stop.

Third, while at this time, I choose not to have this person (or others from my past…) around because of the risk that I will use again, or allow myself to be taken advantage of…that doesn’t mean these guys are bad people, or beyond hope of change.  So the door is always open to reconnection in the future, if I feel that the risk has reached a reasonable point – and that I’m more confident in my recovery and choices.  So, if C. or any others ever read this and wonder “is the door closed?”  — absolutely not.  (Now, I may not choose to let you stay here in the future, based on my experience and self-awareness of what I’m able to handle.  But, that doesn’t mean a friendship is out of line, or that I don’t care and want the best for you.  But, my trust must be earned back through actions…)

Lastly, my post was completely honest.  There was nothing false in any of my statements.  Having said that, I don’t necessarily have to disclose every detail, every timeframe, every nuance for a story to be “truthful.”  There are aspects that are private, that are relevant in other situations or audiences, and again: see the earlier comments.  I have one to answer to: my HP; I do not compare or contrast my recovery to other’s.  It’s not better or worse.  I tried to stay focused on facts, and lessons that I took away from the experience – including especially (his gifts, passions, and things I learned from him.  But the facts also included lies, deception and being taking advantage of (which clearly means that I let myself be taken advantage of).  As my mom always said, “it takes two to pick a fight.”  So, I’m neither blameless, innocent or perfect.  But, this was my story – my insights.  As a friend one shares:

“All of my stories are true, and some of them actually happened.”

The real lesson in these stories (as I share more…) is that I can only save myself.  The Serenity Prayer reminds me:

“grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (usually other people, places, things…), the courage to change the things I can (me, my actions, my beliefs), and the wisdom to know the difference.”

As I love music and see certain songs as gifts from the Universe to guide me and remind me of experiences, or Truths, let me close with a clip from my friend (!) Garrison Keillor and Suzy Bogguss, a frequent guest on his radio show (and many of her songs have touched and moved me…hmmm).  This goes for C., M., J., G., and others who I’ve tried “to save…”

Hosting a pastry chef: a silver lining from my past


There’s the expression, “if life gives you lemons…”  Well, sometimes the decisions I have made in my past while using drugs or trying to save others in early recovery were more akin to inviting lemons into my house to stay for a while.  And to be accurate, I have at times been under the illusion of doing the latter (saving) while  stuck in the trap of the former (using).  Self-deception is the one of the most dangerous places for this (or any) addict to be…

Let’s just say – I’ve learned my lesson and will not be extending an invitation to “friends” to crash here, recover here, or anything remotely similar.  This needs to be my safe haven, and so far, my ability to help others in my home have been disastrous.

Having said that, I’ve often said “If ever I were to write a book…”  Well, why not share some stories here?!  Because after all, these weren’t bad people…just people making bad choices.  They, like any of us, do have gifts to offer the world.  And in many cases, I’ve learned something from them. As an empath, I’m often been able to see something worth saving, even when they can’t see it for themselves. [Likewise, of course, I can’t see it in myself at times…especially during my own using days.] I’ve often thought – if the world could just see and celebrate your “name his gift,” or “name his passion” or “name his talent”  — there might be hope for them to turn around.  [And in my own dark days…if I could see the same in myself, hope for me to stay true to my path.]

So, here is my…
Silver Lining Series – Story #1.  The Pastry Chef.

When I first met C., he struck me as confident, mature and a “winner” as they say in the rooms…someone who would make it. So years later, when he got out of prison and sought my help in finding support, a healthy living environment, and resources to get back on his feet, I shared as much current information from my network as I could. He seemed to take to it, doing the legwork to connect, get into “rehab,” and find work. As I talked with him, I discovered he was an experienced pastry chef…a baker…and that struck a chord with me. I could see his interest in getting back into that work, in perhaps even starting his own business. The future seemed promising…

C. needed some transitional living (days…) to wait out his intake for a local treatment facility and extended halfway house/program. I invited him I to my home. During his brief time, he and I shared time baking…and he taught me things about quick breads, the “chemistry” behind some baking techniques, and the value,of weighing vs measuring (European vs. American style recipes :). We even took one of my moms ‘s “mainstay” recipes – Banana Bread – and experimented with approaches, ingredients, and technique…literally “benchmarking” my normal way of making it with his “training.” And let me tell you…there IS a marked difference. Hands down, his baseline was better tasting and especially better looking. And then he built on that – adjusted some ingredients, like the sugars, and added a touch of spice…and transformed the recipe to yet another level. Amazing. So I now have a new and improved version on mom’s recipe…a gift from his time and his passion.

For that experience and that gift, I’m grateful…

I hope he makes it. I wish I now had more confidence than hope…as my one boss used to say, hope is not a strategy. Setting aside the spiritual gap in that thinking, there are dark clouds on the horizon…the lemonade is at risk of being spoiled…

I also learned that coupled with his outward confidence and “get go” came compulsive lying, manipulation, and a lack of authenticity. Those are challenging bad traits for anyone to have, but for an addict…they can be deadly. He took advantage of me while also sharing his gifts…and in the end, our friendship crumbled. He was recently re-arrested on violation of his parole, and his back in jail/prison.

Still – he’s not a bad person.  He’s not a liar or manipulator…those are labels I try to avoid (just like “good” or “bad.) Again, he’s just a man making bad choices – and I’ve been there, done that.  It doesn’t make us good or bad people.  But, his behaviors weren’t consistent with his words — and I value honesty and truthfulness in my friendships.

Like many home comers, he’s likely influenced by the “system” and the old habits and people he clung to.  Again, I’ve struggled at times with the same battles…  I’m not judging or condemning him.  In contrast, I’m really trying to celebrate and shine a light on his talents, his passions, and the growth and learning I gained from our time together.  But, he was here for a reason or a season…for now, that season is on pause…hopeful and optimistic pause, but pause nonetheless.

I hope he does make it…because he has much to offer the world. Like we each do…no matter how dark the clouds can get, they should never let us be fooled into believing otherwise.

But I am also reminded of the words of my first sponsor. “Most of us won’t make it.” Many of us won’t?! “No, most of us…”

Here’s to you C. May you find yourself before it’s too late…before this ugly disease takes you out. You’re worth it.