Tag: compassion

Life sans Facebook – Reflections on my Lenten Journey


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Today ends my 40 day journey of experiencing life without Facebook.  Like some other addictive behaviors I have, I was finding that time with Facebook was consuming more time than time alone, or time in meditation, or time with others, or time working on steps or reading recovery literature. I learned early in my recovery that addiction isn’t just about the dope, or the alcohol or the sex. It’s about any behavior that obscures my true self. It’s about anything I do compulsively or obsessively.  It’s about people, places or things that get in the way of my relationship with my Higher Power, other people or my self. I found myself sometimes defining my reality by Facebook — if it wasn’t posted on Facebook, it wasn’t significant.  I found myself consumed with a desire to update, to read, to surf.  I found myself more apt to post something on Facebook than to pick up the phone and call somebody.  So, in the spirit of my religious beliefs and as part of my spiritual life I gave up Facebook for Lent – and took on other behaviors in its stead.

I wanted to write more cards and letters during this period.   I removed as many barriers to this new behavior by purchasing a 50-pack of notecards and a book of stamps. So I wouldn’t have the excuse of not having something to write on, or not finding stamps. Sometimes after my morning meditation or before bed, when I found myself with an extra 5-10 minutes, I took the time to quickly jot a thank you or short note to say hello. As soon as they were written, I wrote out the envelope, placed the stamp and attached the card to my mailbox for the postal worker.  For all those times I “beat myself up” for not writing a thank you card, or for not reaching out to my 96-year old grandmother – I’m able to find peace and joy knowing that I’ve done so recently.

This morning, a family relationship which is strained greatly was on my mind.  The two parties involved are not speaking to one another – and they are first generation blood relatives. I’ve thought about the one party, with whom I’ve always shared a close bond over the years.  When I first came out of the closet, they were extremely supportive and asked questions, showed interest.  When I hit bottom and admitted my addiction to drugs, they didn’t dance around the topic and avoid the 500 pound elephant in the room.  They reached out and talked with me, once again demonstrating their unconditional love and lack of judgement.  I’ve thought of them often during the course of this family breakdown and wanted to reach out – but combination of pride, sadness and pain kept me from doing so.  This morning during my meditation and devotional time, the situation came to mind – and all of that melted away. I realized that in my selfish inaction, I was not demonstrating the unconditional love and freedom from judgement they had shared with me over the years.  The details of the family discord are really of no concern of mine.  I’m not responsible for mending the relationships or seeking reconciliation for the parties involved.  That’s my codependent nature peeking through — my self-centered delusions of grandeur and power, somehow believing that I’m god and possess the power to fix, manage or control others.

I’m powerless.

But I am able to show love and compassion.  I am able to be present and connected.

Without the weight of false responsibility on my shoulders, I found both a willingness and a freedom to write a simple note.  There was no hidden motive, no grand attempt to say something that would spur reconciliation, no pressure to find the right words. There was simply the desire to express my love for them – my desire to see and be with them – and my empathy for the sad and painful situation in which they find themselves.

Beyond that gem of self-awareness, I find myself calmly aware that I can choose to reconnect on Facebook…but not rushing to it with a compulsive need.  I want to continue my newly restored habit of writing and calling more.  But, even there I’ll simply take on today – showing gratitude for the gentle rain – thankful for the chance to be alive and share that aliveness with others.

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Were you listening? No really – LISTENING…


A friend called me recently with an update on her recent back surgery. After many years of deep, systemic pain she has found relief through major back surgery. Living with such pain, and going through such a delicate (albeit somewhat routine?) surgery, she has been though a lot in recent weeks. She was sharing with me how she was feeling. She talked about a revelation she had about some chiropractic care over the years which now appears to have been poorly guided. This filled her with some valid feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and grief. She was particularly angry with her chiropractor and voiced some of that with me. I had been listening, but chose to respond focusing more on “getting her back” to grateful — celebrating the wonderful relief, not focusing on the years of pain from which she might have found earlier relief had it been more properly diagnosed by her chiropractor. I’ve learned to stay in the moment and not dwell on things in the past, over which we have no control nor are we able to change.

Red flag.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

She is a very emotionally mature, balanced person with a LOT of experience at living in the moment — probably more so than I do. She wasn’t looking for problem solving – she was looking for empathy. She wasn’t going to dwell on her misery, or allow a resentment to build. But, she was needing some validation before she could move on. Knowing and trusting me as a friend, she was making herself vulnerable by sharing her pain – knowing that only in living through it could she find true healing.

I caught myself – almost instinctively hearing her inner voice say “No, T – you weren’t listening.  Really – you weren’t LISTENING.”

I played back what I had heard her express — frustration, disappointment, and some regret. I let her know that she may be right – her doctor may have very well cost her years of relief. I empathized with her anger.

And almost immediately I could hear relief in her voice. Then tension in her voice that peaked when I talked past her need dissipated. She relaxed. I could hear her nodding, grateful to find needed empathy.

Then, as I should have known she would, she picked herself up and moved on. She focused back on the gratitude, the relief, the freedom from pain. She was able to let go a little more of her past, and move forward in her healing.

I’m grateful for friends like D. who walk with me, share their whole selves with me and encourage my growth even amidst their own pain. She is an amazing woman and a trusted friend.

Yes D., I heard you…and finally listened! Thanks for being patient with me.

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What is my Higher Power’s will? Embrace life. Live authentically. Love compassionately.


Such a heavy question. Someone brought this up as a topic for a meeting the other day – “how do I know what is my will vs. my Higher Power‘s will?” It’s something that I’ve been exploring in this phase of my journey, so I shared something like:

I’m learning that my Higher Power’s will is to find my identity in the relationship I have with my Higher Power. In my case, I choose to see my relationship as one of being a child of a loving God. In that relationship, I find the fullness of who I am meant to be. I find the security, peace and wholeness that I so desperately want and need. My years of addiction have been about finding my identity in my work, or my relationships. I sought peace — or freedom from pain — in sex, alcohol and drugs. I now understand — now came to believe — that a Power greater than myself can in fact restore me to sanity. In this case, sanity for me means wholeness, peace and security.

As for what my Higher Power wants me to do with my life, I’m understanding today that to be: live authentically, with compassion. So first, I must peel back the masks and the “coping skills” I’ve built up over the years. I must unlearn the behavior to please others at all costs and avoid conflict. In doing so, I worried too much what other people thought of me; I wanted to be liked, to be loved — because I had cut myself off from the one relationship that could fulfill me, the one with My Higher Power (see earlier point!)  I avoided conflict because I thought that would cause people to not like me. But, in doing so, I lost my voice – I lost my identity – I lost my authenticity.

So, find my security and wholeness in relationship to my Higher Power, and live authentically with compassion.

I then feel like I was given a chance to live this lesson out. And currently, I’m doing my best to do just that – by the grace of my Higher Power.

Having just locked in on starting my own business, I was called about two job interviews within days of completing my business plan for a mini-loan competition. One is very similar to the position I lost a year ago because of my addiction; the other could be an interesting stepping stone to my new business, but ironically is BACK in the small town I just moved from – literally – yesterday!  Irony.

So, the question comes up – what is my Higher Power’s will for my life?  Does He want me to continue with my own business venture?  Does he want me to return to Corporate IT?  Does he want me to build more deliberately to my own business via one of these other jobs as a temporary stepping stone?

As I’ve been talking and reflecting and praying and meditating on this – knowing that I don’t have to have an answer right away! – I’ve started to come to this possible outcome and lesson.

Given those options, He doesn’t really have an opinion. After all, I was given the ability to make choices.  Unlike other animals on the planet, I do have an intellect and capabilities and emotions to choose.

So, given that I’m not choosing to use – my Higher Power’s will is to take whichever road I would prefer…BUT, to do so without losing my identity or authenticity while doing so.  That’s the potential lesson from this.

So, returning to Corporate IT could be fine – as long as I do it differently this time, and keep my security and identity in my relationship with my Higher Power – and live authentically with compassion.

And launching my own business at 42 and following what feels like a passion and dream is also ok – as long as I don’t put too much stock or identity into it and its mission.

And with that perspective, I’m finding peace.

I don’t have to worry about finding the “right job” – the one “God has ordained for me to do next.”  Instead, it’s possible that I am given the possibility to choose, but to live through that differently this time.  And, in that freedom comes peace – in that realization of what my Higher Power’s will might really be after all comes strength – and through all of this, I feel alive.

So – the short answer – Embrace life, Live authentically, Love compassionately!

 

From my daily meditation, “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

Endgame: there’s nothing to do but keep dancing

Either by erosion from without or by shedding from within — and often by both — we are forced to live more authentically. And once the crisis that opened us passes, the real choice becomes: will we continue such authentic living?

From my daily meditation, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young:

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.

 

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