Tag: community

Day 110 – The Power of a Question


I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end – when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons – I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was…I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt – or they may just not feel it’s their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I’m great at wearing that mask — all is ok, I’m in control, I know what I’m doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It’s easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It’s still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn’t “put those vibes off.”  If I don’t come across as open, teachable, humble…why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question — seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise…and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 100 – In these rooms we will find each other…


It’s been an amazing couple of weeks.  I’m sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone “in the rooms” who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment…basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It’s a pretty powerful experience for me to see that “from the other side.” 

Connection #1: One friend is…I’ll be honest…right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of “I” and “control” and “for now.”  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I’ve been there, but he doesn’t understand it yet. But, I listened…I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations…I didn’t judge…I didn’t lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or “scared me” into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won’t make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…and make differenct choices.

Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem — life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long…this time.  I’ve been there.  I’ve tried to stop myself.  We’ve all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can’t.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can’t relapse if you’ve never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas – physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn’t prescribe how one works a program of recovery — self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging…it’s not a relapse.

Of course, it’s not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery – and that’s my program…not someone else’s.  I’m just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny – I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, “how did you know?”  I replied, “because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight – you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I’ve learned since that night in December is I can’t do this. I tried – I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It’s not because of my will power or my strength.  And it’s not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery.”

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…he’s looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices…

Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take…but told myself No, impossible…couldn’t be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope…because the man sitting next to me…the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life…was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him…$400 worth…over twice my normal amount…was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy – apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes…and smiling…and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering…I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude — all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer…he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking…it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable…could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I’m at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was…and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I’m just so thankful. We’ve all earned our right to be in these rooms.

I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I’m still a newcomer.  I’m still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It’s like I’ve said – I’m learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  There are still days where I’m blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I’m so thankful that I’m able to be there and see other people — not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction — who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won’t…some are there, some aren’t quite there…  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I’m thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me…

Day 93 – ETOH, self-help groups and other secrets…


I was driving through town today and noticed a church sign that listed an Al-Anon meeting during the week. I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder if they have NA or AA meetings. Is there a reason why they choose not to list those?” I understand the power of anonymity — the underpinning of self-help groups.  So by all means, I’m not challenging the need.  But, I’ve been recently pondering how far we’ve come in understanding and accepting alcoholism in society, particularly since the founding of AA. However in many ways, it’s still the white elephant in the room. I recently heard of a funeral where the family wanted no mention of the deceased’s alcoholism, from which he ultimately died even though he was in recovery and sober. Again, I fully respect the family’s choice and am in no means discounting their wishes. However had it been cancer or diabetes or a host of other medical conditions, it would likely not have been an issue to mention. In fact, one’s battle with cancer is often seen as a source of inspiration given the great courage and selflessness often seen in cancer patients. Why are we not able to equally celebrate the personal courage and spiritual healing seen in the lives of alcoholics and addicts, whether in life or death? There is still much shame associated with the disease of addiction.  Though we’ve come a long way, there is still much ignorance (lack of knowledge) about it.
As a gay man, I know that ignorance breeds fear and fear can lead to death. Likewise, ignorance of addiction can literally lead to death — poor choices and lack of support for the suffering addict. The need for education about how to better understand, detect and support addicts seeking recovery is reflected in my story — a “closet meth user.” With one exception, all of my close friend, family and work colleagues were SHOCKED when I “came out of the meth closet.”  I didn’t fit their stereotype of a meth user. And clearly, my employer lacks knowledge of this disease given their choice of action, in my humble opinion. I’m still blessed with the path I’m on and have no regrets – I’m where I need to be. But that doesn’t take away my disappointment and frustration with their lack of institutional knowledge on the subject. As a leader in the pharmaceutical industry for cancer, diabetes, mental illness, etc., they seek better health outcomes for their patients. Yet they lack a basic understanding of how to provide critical education & awareness to enable better health outcomes for their employees who may struggle with alcoholism or drug addiction.
We’ve come so far, yet have so far to go…
I learned of another example today while surfing the web for information and sites around addiction. I learned of a term ETOH at http://www.addict-help.com/etoh.asp. 

“ETOH has other applications as well. For example, some hospitals, med technicians and medical facilities. It would seem to have been developed as a way of disguising the word alcohol to keep the fact that a person had been drinking from being disclosed.” 

Given the possible side effects of alcohol withdrawal, this knowledge can prove critical to a patient’s treatment. So, it’s relevant information for medical staff to have. This strikes me as another situation where the societal stigma still associated with alcoholism and addiction might be playing out. It’s the white elephant – we aren’t supposed to bring it up, or talk about it. And yet, undiagnosed – or unaware – it can kill.  Again, I understand the need for the hospital to take such precautions and respect a patient’s privacy. But again – if they had diabetes or hemophilia – an individual or family wouldn’t hesitate to share that in hospital. But, being severely intoxicated and possibly suffering from the disease of alcoholism can’t be discussed. 

Has anyone seen a white elephant in the room?  
If so, please notify the nurses’ station immediately.

I know this doesn’t directly relate to my recovery — but it seems like the societal stigma and associated shame individuals have about addiction can have an impact if it leads to lack of awareness or intervention. If it prolongs someone from asking for help or sparks actions which create more risk to one’s recovery, then it becomes very relevant. If better patient outcomes really is the goal of the US healthcare system, then we must face the social aspects of the disease as well as the treatment needs of the afflicted.
But, easy does it…for now, my focus must be on recovery not social revolution 😉