Tag: change

What is my Higher Power’s will? Embrace life. Live authentically. Love compassionately.


Such a heavy question. Someone brought this up as a topic for a meeting the other day – “how do I know what is my will vs. my Higher Power‘s will?” It’s something that I’ve been exploring in this phase of my journey, so I shared something like:

I’m learning that my Higher Power’s will is to find my identity in the relationship I have with my Higher Power. In my case, I choose to see my relationship as one of being a child of a loving God. In that relationship, I find the fullness of who I am meant to be. I find the security, peace and wholeness that I so desperately want and need. My years of addiction have been about finding my identity in my work, or my relationships. I sought peace — or freedom from pain — in sex, alcohol and drugs. I now understand — now came to believe — that a Power greater than myself can in fact restore me to sanity. In this case, sanity for me means wholeness, peace and security.

As for what my Higher Power wants me to do with my life, I’m understanding today that to be: live authentically, with compassion. So first, I must peel back the masks and the “coping skills” I’ve built up over the years. I must unlearn the behavior to please others at all costs and avoid conflict. In doing so, I worried too much what other people thought of me; I wanted to be liked, to be loved — because I had cut myself off from the one relationship that could fulfill me, the one with My Higher Power (see earlier point!)  I avoided conflict because I thought that would cause people to not like me. But, in doing so, I lost my voice – I lost my identity – I lost my authenticity.

So, find my security and wholeness in relationship to my Higher Power, and live authentically with compassion.

I then feel like I was given a chance to live this lesson out. And currently, I’m doing my best to do just that – by the grace of my Higher Power.

Having just locked in on starting my own business, I was called about two job interviews within days of completing my business plan for a mini-loan competition. One is very similar to the position I lost a year ago because of my addiction; the other could be an interesting stepping stone to my new business, but ironically is BACK in the small town I just moved from – literally – yesterday!  Irony.

So, the question comes up – what is my Higher Power’s will for my life?  Does He want me to continue with my own business venture?  Does he want me to return to Corporate IT?  Does he want me to build more deliberately to my own business via one of these other jobs as a temporary stepping stone?

As I’ve been talking and reflecting and praying and meditating on this – knowing that I don’t have to have an answer right away! – I’ve started to come to this possible outcome and lesson.

Given those options, He doesn’t really have an opinion. After all, I was given the ability to make choices.  Unlike other animals on the planet, I do have an intellect and capabilities and emotions to choose.

So, given that I’m not choosing to use – my Higher Power’s will is to take whichever road I would prefer…BUT, to do so without losing my identity or authenticity while doing so.  That’s the potential lesson from this.

So, returning to Corporate IT could be fine – as long as I do it differently this time, and keep my security and identity in my relationship with my Higher Power – and live authentically with compassion.

And launching my own business at 42 and following what feels like a passion and dream is also ok – as long as I don’t put too much stock or identity into it and its mission.

And with that perspective, I’m finding peace.

I don’t have to worry about finding the “right job” – the one “God has ordained for me to do next.”  Instead, it’s possible that I am given the possibility to choose, but to live through that differently this time.  And, in that freedom comes peace – in that realization of what my Higher Power’s will might really be after all comes strength – and through all of this, I feel alive.

So – the short answer – Embrace life, Live authentically, Love compassionately!

 

From my daily meditation, “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

Endgame: there’s nothing to do but keep dancing

Either by erosion from without or by shedding from within — and often by both — we are forced to live more authentically. And once the crisis that opened us passes, the real choice becomes: will we continue such authentic living?

From my daily meditation, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young:

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.

 

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“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.

What more is there to GRIEVE?!


My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago that I’d be entering a “period of grieving.” I’m realizing there are losses from my past that I haven’t fully grieved because of my addictions. Now in recovery, the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. that come with grieving are hitting me in full force.  And that’s all good – and somewhat expected.

What I’m now realizing is that ain’t all!  He has “turned me worldview upside down” a couple of times in recent weeks — challenged my thinking, and since I know my best thinking is what GOT me here, I’m learning to listen, to stay open-minded, to remain teachable. And for this intelligent, arrogant know-it-all, that’s hard to do!  Honestly.  I’m learning the “power of a question”…like, really learning! Not just paying it lip service!

Today I asked him “what does passive-aggressive mean?.”  “I think I know, but let me ask…”  (See, arrogant!)  Well, humbly I learned something new.

I used to think passive-aggressive meant someone who goes back and forth between the two behaviors or extremes: being passive, then being aggressive.  The inconsistency for me was the focus, the frustration. Well, I learned today it has more to do with “being aggressive by being passive” – killing them softly…a nice a*#hole.  Oh 😉  Makes sense. Rather than be honest, authentic (appropriately so) – rather than make myself vulnerable and share how I’m feeling as the result of an action, a met or unmet need…I play out a game of aggression in a “nice” way.  Hmm…

I’m learning what it means to be honest – to be authentic.

 

Character defect: passive-aggressive.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: sarcasm.  Serves me well; lived in the UK, where they do it so well, though they call it a “dry sense of humor.”  Hallmark for me – one of my trademarks. Shoot.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: flirting.  Like passive-aggressive, it’s a way of avoiding honesty, vulnerability.  It’s really a game – a childish game, more appropriate for teen-age puppy love; not a grown, adult who is 42 years old.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: defining myself in relation to other people – usually in relationship with someone (either romantically or in friendship), not seeing myself as a unique, whole human being – complete in and of myself. Jerry Maguire doesn’t work in real life…”you complete me.”  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: pursuing romance instead of intimacy. Not that romance in and of itself is bad (I think…), but it’s not the end point – attraction, romance lead to healthy intimacy. But, I constantly chance romance – the newness – the excitement, which only gets me into trouble when I *am* in a relationship, because that newness is usually somewhere else. So, like flirting, it’s an emotionally immature response for a grown adult, as an end point.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Shoot.

Now I know what’s meant about giving up character defects – or being willing to give them up.  They’ve served me well…ok not so well, but they are comfortable.  I’m used to them.  But they have to go.

They’ve helped me cope with life.  But, is that all I want from life — to “cope with it?” Again, it’s like tolerance — not a substitute for love.  How many people want their friends or family to tell them, “I tolerate you.”  NO!  We all want and need, “I love you.” Likewise, I don’t want my tombstone to read, “Here lies CT. He coped with life.”  NO!  I want it to read, “Here lies CT.  He lived his life authentically.”

There’s a whole lot more that’s being added to this grief plate!

But, I know it’s all good.  It’s the growth I want – they growth I need – the growth I haven’t had since I was oh, about 18 years old.

So it’s no surprise my emotional responses in many cases are those of a teen-ager. 😉

Growth – grieving – goodness.

 

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