Tag: change

FUNK: Talking, Discovering, Resolving. What Am I Waiting For?


I’m in a funk. And, it’s bugging me because I don’t like being in a funk. And I don’t know why.

Part of me says, “just allow myself to feel and be in the funk. I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t control them.” I’ve been told to just apply the 12 steps to my feelings, and find acceptance. Find serenity in the things I can not change.

But, then I struggle with another tool my therapist has helped me with — using feelings to get in touch with what’s going on — using my feelings to identify what events led to my feelings in order to resolve the initial event with healthy actions.

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

For example, when I’m sad, it’s because there is a loss, or the ending of something. The unhealthy reaction I’m used to is to numb the feeling, or to replace the loss with something so I don’t have to feel the sadness. The healthier action is to grieve, to let go. Once I’ve lived through that sadness and grief, then I can replace. “Grieve and replace” instead of just “replace.”

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

Loss or ending in a relationship—————————–> SAD ———>  Grieve and Replace

But that tool is not helping me so far because I haven’t figured out what’s going on.

Or maybe I know why, and I just don’t want to dig there. Because I still don’t trust my emotions.

 

Then there’s this other angle on being in a funk: the only thing we can control is how we react to situations. Well, I can’t change my feelings. I feel funky and sad — and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m not able to just turn it off and say, “good morning – I choose to be happy today.”

And that bugs me.

And confuses me.

I’m struggling.

I’m not using.  I’m not running from it.  Though, I guess I am ignoring it — not digging into the feelings and letting them clue me into what is going on. I am checking out – sleeping – isolating.

And what I realize is I don’t process well. I don’t talk to anyone regularly about what’s going on in my day – never did, and probably haven’t for so long because I’ve been alone or on my own. I have also managed to keep people away – avoiding intimate friendships or relationships. But, I know when I do talk about events, situations in my day, I am able to see (or be helped to see) what’s going on, and how I’m feeling. If I don’t get it off my chest or diffuse it or learn to resolve the initial event with healthy action, then it festers, grows out of proportion and becomes a mountain.

So here I am again.

Realizing I’m alone – by choice – and that wall gets me to the same place every time I bang my head against it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So is it that the tool isn’t helping me…or I’m choosing not to use the tool?

Choosing not to trust my emotions – or to fear them – even though I have data (experience) that they do lead me to an authentic understanding of myself. In fact, they help me discover my true self.

So what am I waiting for?

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Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion


I came across a breathing exercise in a daily meditation I’ve been going through this year. As I breathe in deeply, it had me focus on living authentically – being my true self. In doing so, that would help me to show compassion — so as I breathe out deeply, the word to contemplate was compassion.  Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion.

As they say, how is that working for you?

I’ve done this for about a month or so. These past two weeks, I’ve found myself more judgmental of others – particularly those friends around me in recovery! I’ve been more competitive, more frustrated and at times, with a serious case of the f&*k its!

So where is the compassion?

This morning, I realized through some meditation and the morning’s devotional that I’ve focused on having compassion for others. Indeed, I think that was the original framing from the exercise. However, what I’m realizing is the exercise first applies to myself. Only in showing myself compassion — indeed, only in first seeing the compassion that I’ve been shown by my Higher Power — will I find the necessary humility and perspective to meet others with that same compassion.

I’ve heard that before — but it never really connected in the exercise. While the end goal may still be to find a way to live authentically and show compassion for others as I live out my faith in the world, it starts with finding compassion for myself. It took feeling the judgments and frustrations to dig a little deeper…and with that came a richer understanding and experience.

So I’m going to continue with the exercise for a while longer – but shift the focus on finding and showing compassion for myself.

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Open to another possibility


Growth can mean change, and change usually means growth – if I choose to embrace it.

It’s interesting to read my last post and see how things have progressed as I continue to try to live in the moment.

The day after I turned in my business plan for a new venture, I got a call for an interview for a position to which I had recently applied. A day after that, I was called back regarding a possible position from a round of interviews 9 months ago. Although I found initial peace in the calls, then humor at the timing — I began to wonder: what does this mean?  Which path is the best option at this point in my life?  Which one is most aligned with my Higher Power‘s will for my life at this point in time?  Very quickly, I was faced with new questions, new possibilities — and became a bit confused!  I thought the path was clear – I thought the series of life experiences I’ve been through had prepared me well for this new venture.  I was sure the events that led to it “being born” were clearly a series a of doors opening to lead me along a path.  So, why two more possibilities?  Why now?!

I asked some people whose opinion I trust about this.  As they pointed out, there really isn’t a decision to be made.  I’ve gotten two calls, and have been on four interviews for those two positions.  But, as of yet, there are no offers, thus no decisions.  So, for now, there is no need to worry, no need to seek discernment.  But, there is plenty of opportunity to pray and meditate — and to live in the moment.  At the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I have options – I have some choices – and for that I’m blessed and grateful.

But, I came to a new realization in this journey yesterday night during a workshop.  The one opportunity is becoming more real, as I have been through two phone interviews and an on-site half-day interview.  They are completing my background checks and are fully aware of my situation – that I’m in recovery and am currently on probation for charges which came about while seeking treatment for my addiction. So, the possibility is more real with each day that passes.  While I continue down the current path with appropriate diligence, I’ve also continued to pray, and be open to how answers might be revealed to me.  Well, I thought I was open…

What I realized last evening was as I continue to weigh out the pros and cons in my mind and “assess the situation,” I’m focusing more on “why wouldn’t I stay with my current path.” Any assessment of a “Plan B” usually ends up reverting back to, “but clearly, Plan A is the path that has been laid out to me.”

One friend told me to be open and let my Higher Power make the decision for me.  I challenged him with, “What exactly does that look like?”  The practical side of me struggles with out my HP would actually do that!  My friend encouraged me to just let the process play out, and seek help from others to discern.  He also pointed out that perhaps the second and third options weren’t presented for me – there might be a lesson for someone else along the way. Perhaps the interviewer needed to learn something.  Or, perhaps on my way to the interview, I would stop for coffee and talk with someone  – and that conversation would bear fruit for either me or them, or both.  And, that would be the sole reason the other option was allowed to play out.

Cool.  That helped me.  I could quickly get my head around this being a detour for another purpose — maybe for me, maybe for someone else — but, I was just a convenient detour.  But, the way was clear, the path was set.  Plan A was still the right path for me today!  Relief…

Then I read in my daily devotional earlier this week about the way hunters of old would catch monkeys.  They would fill a hollowed out coconut shell with some rice, and bore a hole just the size of a monkey’s wrist.  When the monkey would smell the rice, he would reach in – grab the rice out of  hunger – and rice-in-fist, would find himself “trapped” in the coconut shell.  It then became easy for the hunter to catch the monkey, because he couldn’t climb away — the monkey’s hunger and “gripping the rice for dear life” overrode his need to flee.  Thus, he was trapped.

The point of the devotional was when we hold onto to something so tightly, we are trapped — unable to see other possibilities.  The devotional encouraged me to find the rice in my life – and let go.

I realized last night that the rice in my life is Option A — starting my own business.  I am so dead-set on it, that I’m trapped — and am not open to another possibility. Even though I’m paying lip service to “being open to another path,” in my heart, I’m clinging to the option I think is best.  I’m clinging to MY WILL!

For the first time, last night I let my mind play with another possibility.  I honestly listened to the voice inside my head that talked about some very real pros to Plan B.  I realized that my ego might be playing too much into Plan A.  I like to hear people say they are proud of me.  I seek the spotlight, secretly hoping for praise and support to affirm me.  There’s a lot of me in there.  A lot of self and ego!  If I’m honest…

Also, for where I’m at right now in my recovery, Plan B may be a wiser approach.  (Yes, I got that suggestion before from my sponsor…but quickly discounted it in my mind, to be honest!)  Plan B would allow me time and energy to work on my recovery, and strengthen my foundation — something I allegedly already learned last year is critical!  I had another situation where I was jumping too quickly into something, with no “balance” — and my basic foundational understanding and use of recover tools wasn’t strong enough to carry me through.  Well, I didn’t understand enough to let go – admit I’m powerless – and let my HP’s strength carry me through!  But again, the lesson was — I had my priorities out of sequence and needed to put my recovery first.  So, have I really learned that lesson?

Going with Plan B now doesn’t mean Plan A couldn’t play out in the future.  In the past, when I thought of that option again, I quickly discounted because the timing seemed so right.  I was even told that by someone who reviewed my business plan: “your timing was just perfect.”  Although I replied, “it wasn’t my timing…” I did secretly hold onto that rice even harder!  I wasn’t open to seeing that if either approach really were my Higher Power’s will, not mine…then it would happen in the right sequence and timing.

Am I really open to another possibility?  I think not.

I’m closer today than I was a week ago.  So there is growth…some change…and with more prayer and mediation, I’m sure the openness will increase.

And so where I’m at today is: I still don’t have a decision to make. Nothing has changed there.  But, my heart feels more at peace and open to another possibility.  I’m willing to let go, and let things play out.  My hand is outstretched, not clenching the rice.  And with that, is coming a more profound freedom and calm.  If nothing else, for now, seeking His will for my life means simply being open to another possibility.  Really open – in my heart and soul.  Letting go.  Rightsizing my ego and getting out of the way.  Lots of catch phrases and buzzwords — but for me, today, I understand them on a new level.

For that I’m grateful.

 

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