Tag: asking for help

Open to another possibility


Growth can mean change, and change usually means growth – if I choose to embrace it.

It’s interesting to read my last post and see how things have progressed as I continue to try to live in the moment.

The day after I turned in my business plan for a new venture, I got a call for an interview for a position to which I had recently applied. A day after that, I was called back regarding a possible position from a round of interviews 9 months ago. Although I found initial peace in the calls, then humor at the timing — I began to wonder: what does this mean?  Which path is the best option at this point in my life?  Which one is most aligned with my Higher Power‘s will for my life at this point in time?  Very quickly, I was faced with new questions, new possibilities — and became a bit confused!  I thought the path was clear – I thought the series of life experiences I’ve been through had prepared me well for this new venture.  I was sure the events that led to it “being born” were clearly a series a of doors opening to lead me along a path.  So, why two more possibilities?  Why now?!

I asked some people whose opinion I trust about this.  As they pointed out, there really isn’t a decision to be made.  I’ve gotten two calls, and have been on four interviews for those two positions.  But, as of yet, there are no offers, thus no decisions.  So, for now, there is no need to worry, no need to seek discernment.  But, there is plenty of opportunity to pray and meditate — and to live in the moment.  At the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I have options – I have some choices – and for that I’m blessed and grateful.

But, I came to a new realization in this journey yesterday night during a workshop.  The one opportunity is becoming more real, as I have been through two phone interviews and an on-site half-day interview.  They are completing my background checks and are fully aware of my situation – that I’m in recovery and am currently on probation for charges which came about while seeking treatment for my addiction. So, the possibility is more real with each day that passes.  While I continue down the current path with appropriate diligence, I’ve also continued to pray, and be open to how answers might be revealed to me.  Well, I thought I was open…

What I realized last evening was as I continue to weigh out the pros and cons in my mind and “assess the situation,” I’m focusing more on “why wouldn’t I stay with my current path.” Any assessment of a “Plan B” usually ends up reverting back to, “but clearly, Plan A is the path that has been laid out to me.”

One friend told me to be open and let my Higher Power make the decision for me.  I challenged him with, “What exactly does that look like?”  The practical side of me struggles with out my HP would actually do that!  My friend encouraged me to just let the process play out, and seek help from others to discern.  He also pointed out that perhaps the second and third options weren’t presented for me – there might be a lesson for someone else along the way. Perhaps the interviewer needed to learn something.  Or, perhaps on my way to the interview, I would stop for coffee and talk with someone  – and that conversation would bear fruit for either me or them, or both.  And, that would be the sole reason the other option was allowed to play out.

Cool.  That helped me.  I could quickly get my head around this being a detour for another purpose — maybe for me, maybe for someone else — but, I was just a convenient detour.  But, the way was clear, the path was set.  Plan A was still the right path for me today!  Relief…

Then I read in my daily devotional earlier this week about the way hunters of old would catch monkeys.  They would fill a hollowed out coconut shell with some rice, and bore a hole just the size of a monkey’s wrist.  When the monkey would smell the rice, he would reach in – grab the rice out of  hunger – and rice-in-fist, would find himself “trapped” in the coconut shell.  It then became easy for the hunter to catch the monkey, because he couldn’t climb away — the monkey’s hunger and “gripping the rice for dear life” overrode his need to flee.  Thus, he was trapped.

The point of the devotional was when we hold onto to something so tightly, we are trapped — unable to see other possibilities.  The devotional encouraged me to find the rice in my life – and let go.

I realized last night that the rice in my life is Option A — starting my own business.  I am so dead-set on it, that I’m trapped — and am not open to another possibility. Even though I’m paying lip service to “being open to another path,” in my heart, I’m clinging to the option I think is best.  I’m clinging to MY WILL!

For the first time, last night I let my mind play with another possibility.  I honestly listened to the voice inside my head that talked about some very real pros to Plan B.  I realized that my ego might be playing too much into Plan A.  I like to hear people say they are proud of me.  I seek the spotlight, secretly hoping for praise and support to affirm me.  There’s a lot of me in there.  A lot of self and ego!  If I’m honest…

Also, for where I’m at right now in my recovery, Plan B may be a wiser approach.  (Yes, I got that suggestion before from my sponsor…but quickly discounted it in my mind, to be honest!)  Plan B would allow me time and energy to work on my recovery, and strengthen my foundation — something I allegedly already learned last year is critical!  I had another situation where I was jumping too quickly into something, with no “balance” — and my basic foundational understanding and use of recover tools wasn’t strong enough to carry me through.  Well, I didn’t understand enough to let go – admit I’m powerless – and let my HP’s strength carry me through!  But again, the lesson was — I had my priorities out of sequence and needed to put my recovery first.  So, have I really learned that lesson?

Going with Plan B now doesn’t mean Plan A couldn’t play out in the future.  In the past, when I thought of that option again, I quickly discounted because the timing seemed so right.  I was even told that by someone who reviewed my business plan: “your timing was just perfect.”  Although I replied, “it wasn’t my timing…” I did secretly hold onto that rice even harder!  I wasn’t open to seeing that if either approach really were my Higher Power’s will, not mine…then it would happen in the right sequence and timing.

Am I really open to another possibility?  I think not.

I’m closer today than I was a week ago.  So there is growth…some change…and with more prayer and mediation, I’m sure the openness will increase.

And so where I’m at today is: I still don’t have a decision to make. Nothing has changed there.  But, my heart feels more at peace and open to another possibility.  I’m willing to let go, and let things play out.  My hand is outstretched, not clenching the rice.  And with that, is coming a more profound freedom and calm.  If nothing else, for now, seeking His will for my life means simply being open to another possibility.  Really open – in my heart and soul.  Letting go.  Rightsizing my ego and getting out of the way.  Lots of catch phrases and buzzwords — but for me, today, I understand them on a new level.

For that I’m grateful.

 

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Feelings are back…


“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.”

Tonight at Homegroup, this was in our reading.  I’ve written here before I believe that this has been part of my struggle in the past year — facing feelings, learning to name them, learning to live through them. I need to admit I’m powerless over my feelings – but not run from them, numb them with using people, places or things. When feeling them became too much in the past during my recovery, and I didn’t TALK about it, and ask for help, I found myself in relapse.

So today, I got in touch with those feelings.

I’m feeling sad because I’m on house arrest. I’m scared as I work on launching my new business because this is all new to me. I’m second guessing myself about my choices to pursue this angle vs. putting more energy and effort into finding a regular job – did I give up too quickly? That uncertainty is creating anxiety and fear. I’m sad because a newcomer has stopped returning texts and I’m wondering if he has gone back out. I’m angry about my last relapse – neither the high nor the guy were worth the pain and consequences I’m experiencing now. I’m angry that I put people on pedestals and they let me down. I’m angry that someone I respect and started to get close to is angry with me, ignores me and is rejecting me. I’m sad at losing that friendship. I’m not used to getting close enough to someone to CARE if I lose a friendship — so this is new for me. I’m mad that I didn’t live up to my own standards around confidentiality and gossip. I’m angry that others with more experience in the rooms did the same and implicitly gave me permission to do so when it went against my values and what’s important to me. I’m overwhelmed with deadlines and commitments – to move, to submit a business plan, to complete work for clients. It’s been a year since I’ve had to worry about that – because I’ve been focused solely on recovery, or relapse.  Living in society is frustrating.  I’m glad to be back in it, but scared and mad and sad. I’m scared of moving, afraid to ask for help, overwhelmed by what I need to complete, scared of what I don’t know I need to do because I’ve never moved myself.

And feeling all this is overwhelming.  It caught up with me today.  And I am blue.

But, I told people I’m blue.  I was honest and open.

I talked about my sadness, anger, fear, disappointment at Homegroup. I cried.  I don’t like to cry, but for now, it’s what happens when I feel — and I just need to live through it.  It feels at times like the floodgates will rush open and 30+ years of sadness, loss, anger, grief, resentment, etc. will rush forward and overwhelm me.  I want to run.

But I can’t afford to.  When I run, I use.  When I use, I die.

I know that this too will pass.  I know this is healthy. I know this is new. I know my Higher Power is bigger than my feelings and fear, and has taken care of me thus far.  He didn’t save me from drowning in the ocean only to let me die on the beach.

I know I’ll be ok.

Just for today.

And I don’t have to pick up no matter what.  I don’t have to use today.

 

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Reflections on a Year in Recovery


This week is significant in my recovery journey. I have 38 days clean, sober and abstinent today, which in and of itself is a miracle. But a year ago today, I hit my spiritual and emotional bottom – and took action to get myself in treatment. Quite literally, I chose life. Since then, I’ve been on an amazing journey of growth. My life has changed dramatically since then, but even amidst the change and the losses, I’ve been able to see my Higher Power at work in my life. I’m truly grateful for where I’m at today. It’s in the spirit of gratitude that I wanted to share my mini-lead today — to help me remember that feeling of emptiness, loneliness and despair that almost had me take my own life — but more importantly, to celebrate the recovery and growth I’ve found in these rooms with the help of my Higher Power.

I introduce myself as an addict, because at the heart of my disease is the mental obsession and compulsion to avoid pain, to numb the feelings I don’t want to feel, to escape reality, to find acceptance. In my experience, I’ve used sex, relationships, alcohol, and drugs — it really doesn’t matter what the substance is. I could just as easily substitute any of those tomorrow for something else — shopping, gambling, smoking — whatever. But, the result would be the same. None of those people, places or things can fill the emptiness in my gut or make me whole; they all get in the way of my relationship with my Higher Power and my healthy relationships with others. So I
choose to focus on the broader disease – the mental aspects of obsession and compulsion – and on the tools and gifts of recovery, rather than a particular substance or label. So please accept my sharing with that in mind.

In fact, as I’ve started to study my addiction history with the help of a therapist, I’ve learned how progressive this disease is. I used to listen to other people’s stories about how they started drinking or drugging as a teenager or in college. But, I was the goody-two-shoes over achiever in school and never touched alcohol or drugs in high school. Even in college and into my early 30’s, I drank socially and never touched any drugs. So, at 41 when I admitted myself to a local treatment center and disclosed a daily meth habit that had been going on for a couple of years, it shocked my friends and family. Only my ex- had an inkling of what was going on, and even he had no idea had bad things had gotten.

The dots I hadn’t fully admitted or connected were when others were drinking or drugging in high school or college, I was having sex or getting into sometimes unhealthy, co-dependent relationships as a means of escaping, filling the void, feeling good. Looking back, these attempts to escape wore thin in their effectiveness — so like any addict, I sought more — more sex, sex with alcohol, and eventually, at 33, picked up my first drug and spent the next 8 years of my life mixing sex, alcohol and drugs in greater amounts, with greater frequency, more intensity because in my emptiness, I no longer ultimately cared whether I lived or died.

That’s how progressive this disease is — it’s the disease of more. One is too many, and a thousand is never enough. Sex, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, relationships — it’s all about the obsession, the compulsion, the escape. But, in treatment, therapy and the rooms I’ve finally found freedom and a new way of living.

At the root of my emptiness are a couple core issues. First, growing up, I learned that what’s it important is what you do, not who you are; it’s your accomplishments that others value, not your convictions. That approach served this young gay man well. All around me, I heard that being gay was bad – not acceptable. So, rather than deal with that in my formative years, I compensated by becoming the quintessential overachiever — which of course, got all sorts of validation from my family and friends. This carried into my 19 year career. Even though I have been out now since my mid-20’s, that drive to succeed, that sense of self-worth from doing rather than being was so strong, I continued to climb the corporate ladder as hard as I could.

Another deep part of my sickness was in ability to cope with my feelings, to effectively deal with change. Some of this was tied into what was valued in my family; around the dinner table and over the phone, we would talk more about school, work, accomplishments — less about feelings and emotions. I learned that anger wasn’t healthy, and you didn’t show your feelings. I also moved around a lot growing up — I moved 4 times between the ages of 0 and 17. A lot of change, a lot of loss. But, I had learned not to show my feelings — so I stuffed the sadness, the resentment, the anger over the losses growing up and learned how to survive with the “it’s all ok – I’ve got it under control” mask. I had learned – it’s the image you portray – the mask you wear – that matters, that gets you accepted, that fills the void. So I thought.

Let me fast forward now to a year ago — when all of this came to a head. As I shared at the beginning, I sought treatment a year ago. My last two years of active addiction were pretty bad. I had tried to quit on my own and never could; I finally gave up even trying and just succumbed fully to my disease. I had fought so long to hide my addiction, but it was beginning to wear me down. So, when I reached out for help, I set things in motion so there would be no backing out – I know I needed help so badly. I called 911, was taken to the hospital and admitted myself to a local treatment center. I completed treatment and started coming to the rooms as soon as I got out. Looking back, I think my pink cloud was so strong — I was simply grateful to be alive, that everything else was a blessing. But, in that slightly naive, overachiever approach, I was unprepared for when the pink faded to black. And for me, the black wasn’t losing my job — being forced to sell my house at a significant loss — or facing charges with no prior criminal history. For me, what caught be off guard was facing my feelings.

For this addict, because I got real good at wearing masks, my self-deception — my lack of self awareness — was so strong, that eventually I relapsed. I had started to face some of my demons, and tried to do it on my own. It was too much for me. Until I learned to let go, and ask for help, I would continue to repeat my mistakes and relapsed several times. I spent a couple months working a half-hearted program. I was still making meetings, but I wasn’t sharing honestly about where I was – what I was feeling. Sometimes, I didn’t even know because I was so incapable of staying with the pain or living through the feelings. The way I’ve learned to survive in my 42 years of change, loss and rejection is to run from my feelings, numb them, maintain a facade of “I’ve got it under control.” But, I’m learning I can’t survive if I continue to run. I have to slow down, reach out for help and allow myself to feel. I can’t be the patient and therapist at the same time – I spend way too much time in my head with that approach, get overwhelmed and eventually would say “f*%& it.”

I can honestly say that the last 38 days have been different. I’m working a stronger, more focused program – to the best of my ability. I’m not pretending to know everything when I don’t — using that survival technique that served me well for so many years. I’m learning to say, “I don’t know” and ask for help, ask for suggestions. Literally, sometimes people close to me will ask me how I’m doing, and my response is “I don’t know.” Then, with their help, I figure out how I’m feeling and why. That’s how incapable I had become at being self-aware.

What I’ve been told is just focus on today — do whatever it takes not to take a drink, pick up or use someone — today. And that’s all I have to worry about. It sounds simple – and it is. But, for this addict – who suffers from “figureitout-ism” and likes to make things super complicated – it’s about getting back to the basics. Go to meetings, share where I’m at, call my sponsor, call others in recovery, work my steps, and pray.

I’ve also learned some humility – learned to be aware of my ego – my over-self confidence and arrogance that shuts people down and cuts me off from getting close. Again, years of practice – but I know I can’t survive without help, without friendships, without community. When I respond to people’s suggestions or insights with “I know” or “I understand” or “I get it” — particularly when I don’t know, don’t understand, don’t really get it — I starve myself of the very experience, knowledge, insight that I need to survive. My best thinking got me here — my trying to control, manipulate and manage people, places and things doesn’t work. Instead when I accept where I’m at, surrender my will, I am able to grow. I’ve grown more recently because I’ve stopped pretending and focused on being authentic — first to myself and then to others. And I’ve only been able to do that through prayer and with the help of others.

In closing – back in February, fresh out of treatment, if I had tried to predict where I’d be today, I would have been so wrong it’s not funny. First, I would have never imagined I’d be fired from my job after 19 years; be forced to sell my house; worked through a plea bargain; and be in a position to launch my own startup business. And second of all, in predicting the outcome, I would have then tried to control the outcome – and would have fallen so short. Instead, despite and through my relapses, I’ve learned how to let go of outcomes and focus on doing the next right thing. By doing that, my Higher Power has then blessed me with far more than I could have ever imagined. There’s no way I could have come up with the plan that unfolded. But, in letting go and letting God, He’s done for me what I was unable to do for myself. And THAT is the beauty of surrendering…that is the beauty of this thing called Recovery.

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