Tag: asking for help

Poetry in Motion – The Book of Awakening


Those of you who know me or follow any of my writing know that Mark Nepo is an author who has changed my world view – opening me to the possibility of healing, of authenticity, of hope.  These past few months have been dark, and some around me have tried to come with me beyond the glass, forcing their views and their help and their worry upon me.  For me, Mark’s entry on this day speaks volumes to what we can and can not do for one another…

The living terrain of relationship actually exists in the overlap of our inmost natures.[…] Every authentic relationship becomes a home where we return from our solitary communions with God.

Never was this clearer to me than when wheeling Anne, my partner of twenty years, to the operating room where she would have surgery for cancer. I went as far as I could and watched her grow smaller through the glass doors. I realized then that […] each of us must go beyond the glass doors of our experience alone.  And the work of compassion is to guide our dear ones as far as we can and to be there when they return. But no one can go beyond the glass doors for us or with us.

~ Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening – (entry for July 31, p. 253)

Transparency and my ego – a conflict of interest?


Lately, I’ve been more aware of my character defect of self-sufficiency. One of the way this manifests itself is I try to get through my tough times alone. I don’t reach out for help or support during my struggles. I’m much more inclined to share with you AFTER I’ve “made it through” and tell you what I’ve learned. But, to share where I’m at, to be transparent about what’s really going on at the time, to take off the mask and let you see my pain when I’m in the middle of it, is not one of natural reactions.

This, I’ve known for awhile. I’ve become more aware of it recently as I’ve been through some dark times. So, I’ve also been trying to share more – in the midst of my challenges.

But, I recently realized how clear of a role my ego plays in this inability to be honest – with myself and with others. In some of my regular 12-step meetings, I’ve found myself being hesitant to share what I’m going through. But this week, I ventured out to a new meeting, just to try something different. As I sat waiting for the meeting to start, I realized I didn’t know anyone in the room. As I reflected on what I might want to share about my week, as part of my increased transparency, I realized something was missing from my gut.  No fear.  No shame.  No concern of what people might think.  No “reputation” to protect.

No ego.  No conflict of interest.

I understood this in theory on one level – but it really struck me that evening as I sat there, how much my ego plays into my ability to be honest, transparent.  I worry about what people will think of me – how how I might be judged. And the sad irony is, I’m more willing to open up with total strangers, than I am with those who know me, who are close to me.  Very sad.

Part of this is human nature.  Part of this is my addictive nature.  Part of this comes from years of keeping others at a distance.  Part of this comes from years of anonymous online chatting.  I understand all of that.

Yet I know I’m robbing myself of so much. I know I can’t do this on my own. I know I need others.  I also know people don’t think about me as much as I think they do.

So hopefully, the next time I hesitate to share in one of my regular meetings, or with friends and family outside of the rooms of recovery — hopefully, I’ll move past my ego, drop the mask, and share what’s really going on at the time, even without the answer or solution.  Who knows what I might gain…  And just for today, I know that I’m losing when I don’t.

Being stuck with choices


[I started this draft on December 21, 2011.  I never finished it.  I’m positing it now because it captures where I was at the time.]

The worst place for this addict to be stuck is up in my head.  Having been sick for the past six days hasn’t helped me either.  I’ve been stuck home alone in varying degrees of pain and discomfort, restless and discontent.  Thus far, the holidays had been joyful and upbeat.  But, my inner peace has been slowly unraveling, the weight of my circumstances bearing down on my heart.  I’ve allowed myself to drift away from the spiritual connections that have kept me grounded despite the daily grind.  I’ve reverted to isolation, which only feeds my loneliness and self-pity.  And stuck in self-pity is a dangerous place for this addict to find himself.  I shouldn’t be surprised – I didn’t end up here by accident, or by some outside force that dragged me here against my will.  I ended up here by a series of choices — either actions I took, or failed to take, in response to circumstances in my life.

And, with the same relative ease that allowed me to slip into this dark place, I am able to make different choices which will bring me back to a place of acceptance, peace and joy.  I can recenter myself by letting go, and letting my Higher Power resume control.

The choice is mine.