Tag: accountability

Mirror: seeing myself in others


I’ve come to accept that I’m an addict – which means I have just as easily used people and relationships to “escape” from reality as I have drugs and alcohol. In fact, I’m realizing now that my “deeper” addiction — the one I’ve lived with longer — is based on using co-dependent relationships or sex as my “drug of choice.”

I’ve recently started another “90 in 90” — 90 meetings in 90 days — as part of my twelve-step recovery process. Additionally, to bring some relief and clarity on an emotional level, I’m committing to a 90 day period of abstinence from acting out sexually. More on that later, but let me share an experience I had today that showed me how shallow I have been in my past with respect to people…how I’ve used people, plain and simple.

An “online buddy” of mine text me today to see “how I was doing.” He made it clear pretty quickly what he was looking for…and to be honest, a month ago, I would have been looking for the same thing. In fact, I know I reached out to him on at least one occasion and never heard back from him…he was busy with studies. I remember thinking “how self-centered…all he thinks about are his own needs!” Of course, I just wanted him for mine…but never mind, I couldn’t see that at the time.

Today, I shared with him that I was on a 90 day abstinence plan. He asked, “how long ’til your 90 days are up?” I replied “80 days!” He pondered his dilemma then replied, “That will put me back into the middle of next semester…see you at graduation.” And that was it. End of text.

As I reflected on this, I was proud that I stuck to my plan — that I actually am starting to value myself and others beyond the purely shallow physical needs. Let me add that I’m quite early in my recovery from THIS part of my illness (lest I get too confident!)

I found myself wanting to say “But, I’m available for other stuff — talking, movies, getting to know each other as human beings!” — but I realized that was not the context for our relationship and would be asking for more than it could probably offer…and more than I really needed to be seeking at this point in my recovery!

Then, I found myself a little angry and frustrated — I think he’s actually a pretty interesting character and would like to get to know him…and I was offended that he only saw me for one thing — an object to be used solely for his needs, selfishly and physically.

And with that, the mirror appeared I saw myself clearly….

One way in which my sexual addiction manifests itself is in the objectification of men — seeing them not as whole beings (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) — but only seeing part or parts of them. I would then use them as solely physical beings to selfishly meet my physical needs, or to help me avoid pain or escape from reality. How was that any different from the way in which I had just been treated?

It wasn’t.

I see in others the character defects which I so desperately want to overcome. I see the splinter in his eye, not realizing there is a log in mine. I have some to appreciate that parable on a deeper level…it doesn’t just mean I have my own issues, some of which may be “bigger” or “worse…” For me, I now see that it means I often have the same defect…made of the same material…the same wood…the same brokenness.

So, I empathize with my friend – my fellow human being. So quick to judge or anger, I must instead take responsibility for my own needs, actions and thoughts…and admit my powerlessness over my addictions. It is only in surrendering that I will find relief…just for today.

Day 126 – Hurting people hurt…so find the source of the pain!


A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I’ve been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging…  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is…what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt…

I’ve been in a mood since yesterday and I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors — spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I’ve stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what’s going on.  That’s one of the tools I’ve learned — interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior…thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it’s works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and “act out.”  My cross addiction is people – relationships – sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it’s essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn’t make them go away.  I also know they aren’t bad feelings – they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years – decades – I’ve “used” people to hide from my feelings just like I’ve used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn’t aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don’t help what I’m going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I’m wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I’m not there yet – but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life — experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass…  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don’t have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself…and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss…the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my “familiar” patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It’s easier for me to avoid my feelings — numb them — or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I’m learning a different pattern…find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 117 – One of these days, I’m gonna get burned…


I’ve written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven’t done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what’s going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don’t bite me in the ass!  And it’s more deadly than that…before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don’t either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I’ll end up in the same place…relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I’m not more vigilant and use the tools I’ve learned, I’ll get burned.  This ain’t Boy Scout Camp — this is real shit.  People go out, and most don’t come back.  People die.  It’s that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren’t that relevant.  The point is I held onto them – even subconsciously.  I didn’t take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew… resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control – what I’m responsible for – and started taking other people’s inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don’t.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what’s going on – even the little stuff…cause it’s the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix ’em up with a little hunger or loneliness…recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded…stayed in my head…and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head – my rationalization – my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life – mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there…is patient…let me vent…then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective – the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.

It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That’s about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It’s that simple.

Now, easy does it…progress, not perfection…lay my head down and be thankful for what I’ve got.