Tag: accountability

It’s all relative…and it’s all very REAL!


So I started home detention today.  That’s what they actually call it.  Though, some friends chided me and said “You know, it’s called house arrest.  Stop trying to sugar coat it!” For once, I’m not minimizing or rationalizing.  They call it home detention.  Honest!

As I talk to people who aren’t “on paper” or haven’t been through the system and explain the process to them — pre-arranging time outside of the house, keeping written receipts/logs of all such activity for proof, stripping my phone service of all the bells and whistles like voicemail, call forwarding, etc. — I invariably get the reaction, “Well that’s a pain in the butt” or “that’s a lot of work.” My reaction – given the alternative of being in a cold jail cell…I’ll take it!

It’s all relative.

Plus, after all, this is my own doing – nobody else to blame. The system isn’t out to get me, to screw me, etc.  I let myself get too confident about my ability to cope with things on my own — and lapsed in my recovery.  Full stop.  My doing.  My consequences.  67 days, I’m grateful I’ve learned some valuable lessons this time.

The meeting I went to tonight and several over the past week have reminded me as well that this is not a game. This is a fatal disease.  It’s progressive, chronic…and fatal.

Most of us don’t make it.

As my first sponsor told me one time – not many of us, most of us.

This is all VERY real.

Tonight, a woman shared that her “sobriety buddy” who came into recovery about the same time as she did almost seven years ago recently relapsed and is still out using.

Last week, a trusted servant from one of our meetings went back out again using.  He took the group’s money with him.  $97.13 missing.  A year’s worth of rent to the hosting organization — unpaid.

Last week was the memorial service for a 29-year-old addict who thought she had one more in her. She didn’t make it back.

The topic tonight was “Who is an addict?”

An addict is someone who puts drugs ahead of 37 people who depend on him to open the church basement, make the coffee, take attendance, and count the donations.

An addict is someone who puts drugs first, before their family. Ten days later, her mom, dad and brother are staring at her remains in an urn on a table in a funeral home.

An addict is someone who uses drugs two days before they have a meeting with his probation officer, knowing full well that the stuff won’t clear his system…but tries to convince himself it might. In the end, he doesn’t care enough to worry and uses anyway.  67 days later, he gets help from the courts – reminding him that he is an addict.

I am not responsible for being an addict. But I am responsible for my recovery.

I make choices.

There are consequences.

Just for today, my Higher Power graced with me the gift of sobriety.  I don’t take that for granted.

Just for today.

On the lam (not really, but got your attention!)


A consequence of my last relapse is a probation violation – I failed a urine test from my last PO meeting.  As a result, the judge wants to have a chat with me.  Of course, when judges want to chat, they don’t just use GoogleCalendar or LotusNotes to setup a meeting.  They do this “issue a warrant for your arrest” thing.  Go figure 😉

Tomorrow, I head to Greenfield and turn myself in for the warrant related to my violation.  (I’m SO disappointed they didn’t post my picture on the web this time!)  My lawyer will file a motion right away for a hearing to set bail.  Given the time of day, and not knowing how busy the judge’s schedule will be, I’m anticipating that I will likely spend at least one night in jail (best case) — and realistically, it could be two or three nights before we get the hearing and I can then post bail.  I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic to be best prepared.  That’s one thing they’ve told me in recovery – watch your expectations!

All in all, I fully accept that I’m here — and my resolve to put my learnings to work is stronger than ever.

 

What have I learned?

  • Don’t pick up – no matter what
  • Complete honesty with myself and others about feelings & actions – ask for help (can’t be therapist AND patient!)
  • Daily acceptance and surrender of all my addictive tendencies
  • Easy does it
  • Stay focused on today (not next clean time milestones, etc.). I don’t have to use…just for today

 

OH, and in case I missed it, don’t pick up.  No matter what.

I am making sure I have clean underwear on tomorrow.  I still don’t think orange is my color, but thus far, have not been successful in petitioning the county jail to change the dress code.
I pray simply that I may continue to find this peace amidst it all – and more importantly, that I take the lessons to heart and learn to reach out and not try to maintain the façade that I’ve got it all under control.  One of my friends kindly pointed out to me that I shouldn’t play poker.  I have to stop pretending it’s all good, take time to sense what’s going on inside and share with others as I uncover things.
End of processing.
Now I lay me down to sleep.

What have I learned? One Day, Honesty and Surrender…again.


My morning devotional recently spoke to perfectionism…and failure. It talked about how in our failures are the greatest learning and growth — if we seek out the lessons amidst the disappointment.

I slipped up recently and ending up acting out and using. I’m avoiding labels like “lapse” or “relapse” because I choose to focus on the lessons amidst the disappointment. The question I find myself asking and answering at Day 11 is why? and what have I learned? Cautious to not over analyze nor become overconfident (at Day 11), I’ve reached the following conclusions.

Why? (Once again) I took on too much emotional work without reaching for support. Granted, I have a therapist now helping me in addition to my twelve-step recovery and my sponsor. Granted, I told everyone from my pastor, to friends, to fellow recovering addicts that I was “doing some good work — hard work — emotionally deep — but necessary.” But, then I fell back into my old patterns: I grabbed my journals, isolated and dove in head first, playing the patient and the therapist. And, though I uncovered some new insights to patterns I’ve developed over the years and honed in on losses I’ve failed to fully grieve that lurk beneath the surface of my addictive cycles…I got overwhelmed and surprise, fell back into my old pattern of escape. I used. I ran. I numbed.

Can’t do that. Need to reach out — talk to others and allow myself to be the “patient” — and need to take it easy, small bites…not make up for “lost time” and cram 30 years of healing into a weekend.

And what have I learned? What am I doing differently now – at Day 11 even – to honor my recovery?

I really feel like I’m approaching this phase one day at a time. In the past, I was always focused on getting to 30 days…60 days…with the ultimate goal of beating my longest amount of clean time. So though I mouthed the words one day at a time – I was really looking ahead too far. Doesn’t work – for me.

I’ve learned the need for honesty – for transparency. Without being cliche, it starts with me and those closest around me. I’ve become so used to telling lies, white lies, stretching the truth that even before the relapse, I was holding back — keeping up the facade. As one friend told me, “T, you seem like the sort of person who needs to look like you’ve got it all under control even when you are falling apart inside.” Oh Kim, your insights are so powerful. Thank you. I need to be willing and able to share where I’m at even when things aren’t going smoothly. Yes, I can be hopeful, joyous and optimistic – but that doesn’t mean things aren’t hard, scary and sometimes overwhelming. That’s when I need to reach out, ask for help and talk about how I’m feeling — even in the midst of it, even without the answers. Yes, T — I can be the patient…and be real, honest and transparent…and accepted.

Lastly, I’ve learned the meaning and need for surrender on another level. I say another level, because I am beginning to realize that in the same way my self-discovery is like an onion, peeling away layers with time and experience — so is my understanding of and ability to surrender.

I’ve reinvigorated my daily routine. Again, they told me keep it simple and stick to the basics. I pray in the morning — admit I’m powerless over my chemical and sexual addictions, surrendering my will and ability to my Higher Power. I ask for His help to stay clean and sober just for today — and for now, sexually abstinent (for 90 days!) I read my morning devotionals. I call others in recovery or my sponsor every day. I am doing another “90 in 90” (90 meetings in 90 days). I’m doing a 90 day plan of total abstinence from all sexual behavior. And at the end of the day, I lay my head on the pillow and thank my Higher Power for keeping my clean, sober and abstinent. Just for Today.