Day 101 – In life there are no coinkidinks


I know that every step in my recovery — even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction — happened for a reason. The prayer I’ve learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I’ve been working my butt off to reach that goal. I’m thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help – for the humilty of admitting I can’t do it by myself – and for the ability to realize things don’t have to be perfect. Because of all of that – I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I’m grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work — but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that’s ok because I’m not in control – a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible – it’s out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I’m getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven’t seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn’t know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn’t be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I’m overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I’m reconnected, I realize now that it’s a huge emotional event. I’m excited, but I’m scared; I’m grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I’m not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I’m at my sister’s. I know I’m scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her…I said things that I shouldn’t have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It’s hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn’t processing much on my heart – though I’ve been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room…and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  “We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life — we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.”  That’s me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen…opened my heart up to the healing that was needed…and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn’t really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me – to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said “You know, CT…the best part is you don’t have to drink or drug.” And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It’s a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet…to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging…by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks…just an abundance of miracles.

Day 100 – In these rooms we will find each other…


It’s been an amazing couple of weeks.  I’m sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone “in the rooms” who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment…basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It’s a pretty powerful experience for me to see that “from the other side.” 

Connection #1: One friend is…I’ll be honest…right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of “I” and “control” and “for now.”  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I’ve been there, but he doesn’t understand it yet. But, I listened…I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations…I didn’t judge…I didn’t lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or “scared me” into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won’t make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…and make differenct choices.

Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem — life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long…this time.  I’ve been there.  I’ve tried to stop myself.  We’ve all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can’t.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can’t relapse if you’ve never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas – physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn’t prescribe how one works a program of recovery — self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging…it’s not a relapse.

Of course, it’s not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery – and that’s my program…not someone else’s.  I’m just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny – I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, “how did you know?”  I replied, “because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight – you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I’ve learned since that night in December is I can’t do this. I tried – I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It’s not because of my will power or my strength.  And it’s not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery.”

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…he’s looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices…

Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take…but told myself No, impossible…couldn’t be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope…because the man sitting next to me…the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life…was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him…$400 worth…over twice my normal amount…was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy – apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes…and smiling…and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering…I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude — all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer…he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking…it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable…could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I’m at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was…and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I’m just so thankful. We’ve all earned our right to be in these rooms.

I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I’m still a newcomer.  I’m still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It’s like I’ve said – I’m learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  There are still days where I’m blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I’m so thankful that I’m able to be there and see other people — not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction — who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won’t…some are there, some aren’t quite there…  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I’m thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me…

Day 99 – Is it live or is it Memorex?


Ok – having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line…


I had a using dream last night…the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself “come on…you’ve got over 90 days…do you really want to blow this?”  And I did – I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen – but don’t believe I’ve experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live…it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question… Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times…why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put — I’m under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I’m within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister’s in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I’ll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past – to escape, to numb.  And though I’m still clean and sober, my body is used to that “routine” – used to the “usual path” – and since the physical reality didn’t follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That’s what it does — f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today – I don’t have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs…and do it all on life’s terms.  I heard recently…”we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles.”  Sometimes it’s the little things in life that demand the most vigilance – turning them over to my Higher Power – Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge…but it doesn’t.  Just for today…

My pillow awaits…by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.